1. Try not to fit the bill of the lyrics to No Scrubs by TLC.
The lyrics to the TLC classic explain the definition of a scrub (also known as a buster). No matter how far we fall, we should at least steer clear of fitting the description of this person. How do we do that?:
1. Don’t think you’re fly.
2. Don’t hang out the passenger side of your best friend’s ride trying to holler at anyone. I’m not sure if this goes for the passenger side of, say, a co-worker or acquaintance’s ride as well, but I’d like to think it’s okay to poke my head out and cat call as long as they’re technically not my best, best friend.
3. Don’t have game that’s kind of weak.
4. Don’t approach if they’re looking like class and you’re looking like trash.
5. Do have a car. Don’t walk on foot, apparently. Again, this is just speculation, but I’d like to believe that TLC would’ve been okay with vehicle-less individuals living in big cities like New York, which offer several other methods of transportation, such as subways, bus systems, cabs, etc.
6. Don’t live at home with your mama.
7. Don’t have a child and never show him/her any love.
Seems easy enough to not let ALL of those things simultaneously be your life.
2. Avoid pooping your pants again until you’re like, much, much older.
It’s excusable as a toddler, and eventually, when we’ve lost control of this ship we’ll have little to no say over the timing of bowel movements. Pooping ones pants in our prime would be equally messy & humiliating, and while it’s somewhat irrational, we should be conscious of the possibility. All it takes is the right (or wrong?) amount of Taco Bell, and karma to have your name penciled in her agenda for that day, then BOOM!… Or should it be SPLAT?
While 20-somethings should strive not to pee on themselves either, I feel like a combination of an urgent, forceful bladder full of booze and excessively long bar & club bathroom lines put those in a heavy party phase at risk. Not excusing urine, but it’s got to be more common than what comes out of door #2.
3. Don’t celebrate your 25th birthday in the same place you celebrated your 18th and don’t celebrate your 30th where you partied for your 21st.
I mean, unless there’s a super special place that you and your group of friends regularly attend like the characters on How I Met Your Mother, there’s no good reason to bring in celebrations of significantly different ages at the exact same locations. I fear change as much as anyone, but there’s something depressing about having a power hour and 30th birthday at the same venue, nine years apart.
4. Don’t get in a physical fight, especially one that ends with you being knocked out.
As in literally unconscious. We’re too old for that mess and there should always be a way to talk things through or agree to disagree and walk away. I’ve seen a disturbing number of fight videos online and all it takes it one punch to lay someone out cold. I’m talking full-blown sleep session. The last thing I want is to be lying on asphalt for 5-7 dreams, while people ooo and ahh around my lifeless body.
5. Don’t end up on Catfish.
I mean, c’mon y’all, how hard is it to Google photos or demand a Skype session? For its third season, Catfish should change its title to Oh, C’mon, Seriously People?
6. To at least kind of stop being scared of the dark.
In the 90s, a popular TV series posed the question, Are You Afraid of the Dark? Yes. Absolutely. The answer has always adamantly been YES. Although as you age, the fears do indeed change. Monsters are traded in for murderers, the boogyman exchanged for being dragged out of bed by a ghost, Paranormal Activity style. It’s rough for those who don’t particularly enjoy darkness; this is basically how my life has gone:
5-year-old me: “Other kids seem uncomfortable about this whole nighttime thing too, so I’m completely normal. I really understand that Chuckie Finster guy. Anyway, I’ll probably think the dark is neat-o real soon!”
10-year-old me: “Whatever, I’m not even a teenager yet, no need to rush into maturity.”
15-year-old-me: “I just like my nightlight because it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin themed. Skulls are badass. If anything, using this nightlight makes me more badass. Yeah…”
20-year-old-me: “Dude, I’m totally alright, this isn’t like, an overly abnormal thing, right? Yeah… Besides, I can’t even drink legally. How about this — when I’m allowed to get blackout wasted, I’ll also blackout my room.”
24-year-old-me: Please don’t judge me. One day I will conquer this fear of the dark. Brighter days are ahead… *clicks on nightlight*
7. Being able to do little things money-wise, like buy a Venti-sized drink from Starbucks without worrying that it’ll ruin finances for the next month.
Paycheck-to-paycheck. Venti Caramel Frappuccino-to-Venti Caramel Frappuccino. When will the financial binds end? If ‘No Scrubs’ came out in 2013, would “Can’t even afford some Starbucks” find its way into the lyrics? Oh, the madness – a little financial freedom is a lot of weight off the shoulders of a frequently broke person.
8. To be comfortable/confident/careless enough to wear, say and do what you want, without even considering other people’s opinions.
Everybody says they don’t care what others think, but for many of us that statement isn’t nearly as true as we’d like it to be. The dude wearing the bear shirt, torn sweatpants and sandals with socks to Applebees does not care. The woman rocking a two-sizes-too-small-tube-top with her gut hanging out at the bar does not care. Wal-Mart customers in general – they don’t care.
It’s not just limited to aesthetics either, there are other factors people stop maintaining or being cautious about. THEY DON’T CARE. Not about their foul language, the volume and content of their conversations, if people are watching them when they dance, if the person behind ‘em in line hates that they’re using coupons, your opinions of their hair – the list of non-factors goes on forever.
Maybe it’s confidence, maybe it’s old age. Perhaps you just ran out of “damns” to give. Whatever the case may be, the day you’re comfortable doing a little dance in line, celebrating the 50 cents off coupon you just used, while wearing crusty sweats and having undone hair, you’ve reached a pinnacle in life that overly self-conscious folks can only pretend to have reached via bold, unauthentic Facebook statuses.
TL;DR VERSION: Set the bar incredibly low so that you can feel good about yourself when maintaining mediocrity in life.