1. Watch some reality TV and get a massive confidence boost.
There’s a catch22 here because watching the traditionally shameful cast members of reality TV makes you feel like you’re not so bad at life, but then the fact that you’ve indulged in six straight hours of MTV negates any confidence you just gained. Try to forget the latter part and focus on the fact that at least you aren’t a part of True Life: I’m A Textaholic in any way, shape, or emoticon. Also, try to disregard the fact that the cast of Jersey Shore is currently loaded, and the various Real World/Road Rules Challenges look like a damn good time, only focus on the many negative aspects of reality television. Y’now, Teen Mom, the stupid people on Catfish, etc.
2. Google “famous people who succeeded later in life.”
Oh, John Hamm’s career didn’t really have significant success until his early thirties? *Closes laptop, rolls over in bed, and pulls sheets over head so can not see the haters… Or the clock, which reads 2:25 PM*
3. Go people watching at Walmart.
First you’ll feel frightened, then you’ll feel disgusted, then you’ll actually step inside of the Walmart and experience those emotions multiplied tenfold. Go on – take a good look. The $5 DVD bin will catch your eye, but the scantily clad, trashy woman who carelessly bumps you with her shopping cart will steal your heart. Wait, no, that’s not you’re heart, it’s an iPad she’s stealing. One of the few benefits of the Walmart experience is their well priced body maintenance products, which you’ll likely be interested in having after exiting the notoriously filthy joint. Your self-esteem will sky rocket – one because of the aesthetically disturbing customers, and two, because you practically stole Friends With Benefits for a measly five bucks.
4. Wear some fancy, sexy, expensive, unique underwear.
Don’t tell or show ‘em to the world, they’re like your cloak-and-dagger, racy confidence booster. Only you can know that they’re being worn because then it’ll translate to good posture and the swagger of a confident, self-satisfied person.
5. Perform this Google Image search.
6. And THIS Google Image search.
7. Go check the Facebook profiles of the people who went to high school with who tried to become famous.
Look, 99.9% of your local rappers are probably entertainingly bad. Low budget music videos and the lyrical wordplay ability of an underachieving 4th grader will have you convinced that Lil’ _______ missed his/her calling as a comedian.
I know this all sounds awful, but sometimes being a hater makes you feel warm inside, and that’s just the awnest (awful + honest) truth. Seeing that snobby, popular high school girl fail miserably as a singer is strangely satisfying. Finding out that the stuck up guy who tried to become an actor is now working at California Pizza Kitchen makes you feel a ton of things… Mainly hungry though, and I don’t mean that in a super-duper-hardcore-dead-serious-about-chasing-my-dreams-and-conquering-the-world kind of way. I mean in a five-cheese-and-fresh-tomato type fashion.