1. Prying relentlessly to understand your guarded lover and straining to open a tightly sealed pistachio.

You see the potential. All it took was you catching a glimpse – a sliver of what’s on the inside, and suddenly you’re willing to go to great lengths to break that tough exterior for the treat that lies within. Who hurt you? Please, just open up and give me a chance. Let me love and appreciate you the way you deserve. Am I saying these sweet things to a living person or a delicious nut? You can’t tell, and that’s the vague beauty of love. I could sing Take Care by Drake & Rihanna, and you’d have no idea if those lyrics applied to the fortified, guarded heart of my companion or the delicious seed resting comfortable inside of that tightly shut shell.

(This isn’t limited to pistachios; sunflower seeds, jars of Nutella, pickles or jelly, bags of cereal and many other delectables make us work to get to amazing stuff on the inside.)

2. Trying to be with someone you love who’s toxic and trying to eat dairy products or foods that your stomach doesn’t agree with.

You know how it’s going to end. You know he/she’s a scumbag. You know you’re lactose intolerant. Your instincts or your doctor tell you that the decision you’re making is bad news, yet you shush them and choose to live in the moment. Your choices for short term pleasure over what’s best in the long run lead you to do things like respond to 3am texts from an emotionally venomous ex, or succumb to the pressures of Baskin-Robbins’ menu. Afterward you’re keeled over in pain, and whether it’s your heart or your stomach that aches, you tell yourself “Never again.” Suuure. If never means until the next time you’re summoned while under the influence of horny or hunger, then ‘never’ it is.

3. Choosing to date bad guys/gals who hurt us, over nice people who would probably treat us well, and eating fried, greasy stuff that destroys our health instead of fruits, veggies and foods capable of improving our condition.

Simply put, your crush that takes forever to text you back or blows you off habitually is your favorite fast food joint at 2am, and the admirer who always wants to hang out with you is a bowl of sliced apples – nice, but not as exciting as burgers, fries and cholesterol highs. In most cases, as we get older, we realizes that not only do apples become increasingly appealing, but if we continue messing with burgers, we’re going to die young and alone.

4. Cheating on significant other and cheating on a diet.

You (should) feel like crap, and that self-disgust may be your ailing conscience or your belly full of fried, fat grub. There is a significant difference here, and it’s that one of those involves screwing over another person, while the other is detrimental to you, and you alone. Still, you lusted for a person while being involved in a committed relationship with, or you devoured foods that didn’t fit within the boundaries of your diet, and after slipping up and violating the sanctity of those things feelings of disappointment ensue.

5. A person you like the idea of being with better than actually being with in real life, and the mouthwatering thought of pancakes that’s better than the actual consumption of pancakes.

Our imaginations and appetites sometimes put people and food on pedestals, often much higher than they belong. We create these inaccurate visions of how much potential a person has to be a great partner, or how tasty a particular meal might be, thus making the reality of it a disappointment. When IHOP does those unlimited pancake deals, I get psyched and daydream of a fresh, warm, fluffy, buttery, syrup doused stack of flapjacks for hours and then it happens. I’m at the table, the plate is right in front of me, I carefully cut a slice and… Meh. Like, they’re good and stuff, but not nearly as glorious as my dreams had me imagining. Same thing happens with people. When you put someone in a higher “league” or make them out to be some esoteric being, you’ll often be disenchanted by their eating, sleeping, pooping, bleeding, one-leg-at-a-time-pant-putting-on ordinariness. 

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