1. Taking off whatever you wore during a long day of work in exchange for some comfortable sweatpants and an oversized shirt. Ideally this drug would capture the liberation of unbuckling your belt and unbuttoning your pants, followed by a 1-2 hour high which would encapsulate the comfort of stepping into a pair of soft pants that feel like clouds around your bottom half.
2. Finding out that the love or like you feel towards someone is mutual, specifically when it’s in that stage where the two of you can’t stop thinking about each other and want nothing more than to spend time together. Ah, to be wanted and/or loved. 3mgs of that sensation would be a hot commodity.
3. Peeing after holding it in for an excruciatingly long time. That immediate relief felt after a heavy flow leaving your bladder is fantastic, but it’s only about 15-45 seconds. Imagine feeling that type of release for a few hours. Just constant relief sounds fantastic, but it’s probably too good to not have a downside. This would be one of those pills that has a warning in each commercial about how it may cause drowsiness, diarrhea, headache, depression, stroke, blindness, heart attack, eyes fall out of head, spontaneous combustion or death.
4. Waking up panicked under the assumption that you’re late for something, before realizing that it’s your day off. This is probably the most excited one can get while remaining drowsy and groggy simultaneously. The lower quality, cheap version of this product would feel like when you wake up but have to be up in an hour or two – pretty good, but not the same as a Saturday with zero obligations.
5. The very moment when you just put one foot forward and go for it. Any risk or action that induces an adrenaline rush or makes you feel anything at all, really. Approaching and introducing yourself to someone you find attractive, agreeing to make a big purchase and signing a contract, jumping from high in the air into water or gravity’s mercy, all that exhilaration maintained via a pill.
6. If this isn’t included in the list, folks will question my thought process so here it is: orgasms. O, they’d call the pill version. Yes, they are one of the most beloved feelings in the world, which is all fine and dandy, but I’m not certain they’d be pleasant in a lengthier portion. The shivering, quivering, shaking, trembling euphoria might become uncomfortable after a while, I mean if you want to lie still and actually breathe normally for a second. Still, I’m onboard with this pill existing just because the irony of someone getting addicted to O and performing sexual acts to acquire it is hilarious.
7. A nice, emphatic sneeze. The kind that clears out the debris in your nasal passages and comes with a hefty roar. That little tickle and tease is obnoxious, but well worth it when you AH-CHOO it away. For those not willing to spend on a valuable sneeze pill, there should be a cheaper just-scratched-my-itchy-mosquito-bite type concoction.
8. Checking your phone and seeing that you have 5+ new text messages (this also applies to new notifications on social networks). The moments before you’ve read those unopened messages are interesting because the words they contain are temporarily up to your imagination to decide. What if it’s your crush asking you to come over later? What if it’s your best friend with some legit gossip or epic shit talking? What if it’s that cool acquaintance (yet unattainable friend) inviting you to a Gatsby-esque party tonight? They’re like little unopened Christmas presents – does this box contain an iPad or socks? Unfortunately it often plays out like this:
1st text. MOM: Hey how are your?
2nd text. MOM: Your
3rd text. MOM: YOU
4th text. MOM: Texting is so hard. I meant you, not your.
5th text. Verizon: DATA ALERT: Your acct used abt 50% of its data allowance for the bill ending the 9th.
For that reason, the pill version might have a negative side effect such a miserable low felt immediately after the high ends.
9. A full body massage. Much like with real massages, it’d be important to buy the good stuff if this feeling were a drug. The best of the best would feel like 50 pairs of professional masseuse hands (500 fingers) were performing their best rubdown on your feet, legs, back, shoulders, neck, head, etc. The thought of every one of your body parts being treated by gifted hands, ALL at the same time is one that would lead to folks dropping entire paychecks on bottles full of this stuff.
10. The hype and anticipation felt after viewing a well-constructed movie trailer. When several short clips are compiled and combined with music so well that it leaves your arms covered in goosebumps, and you feeling a strong desire for more, that’s something special that would make quite a rush in pill form. Isn’t that the point of a drug and a movie trailer alike? To leave the people wanting – needing MORE. Prime example – the trailer for The Wolf of Wall Street. It features fast paced clips, each frame showing something significant whether it be action, humor, familiar celebrity faces, .5 seconds of a dancing Leonardo DiCaprio and a Kanye West song blaring in the background. It’s all so well constructed and if there were a pill to encompass whatever it leaves me feeling, I’d want in on it.
11. Getting it. It doesn’t matter what it is, but when everything comes together in your mind and you fully grasp a concept, that’s a thing of beauty. It could be a math equation or a predicament you’ve been stuck in, and for some reason things come together and the right answer finally shows itself. A similar pill exists in the movie Limitless (which had a pretty engaging trailer itself), and if there were some capsule we could swallow that would turn our brains into multiple choice test answer keys, we’d be shoveling handfuls into our mouths like Skittles.
12. Morning wake up stretches. Your batteries are 100% charged and waking up serves as an on button, while the stretching is a step in your rebooting. The cracking and popping joints while you let the grogginess ooze out of you would feel even more amazing if that level of freshness were maintained over a significant chunk of time.
13. When Wi-Fi has been out, and it finally comes back on. You were detached from the rest of the world but now you’re back connected and so, so grateful for it. That’s really the feeling a tablet like this would stimulate – just a thankful, appreciative state of mind. Perhaps it’s not just about Wi-Fi, but all of the luxuries we tend to take for granted in the monotony of the daily grind.
14. Winning. That immediate gratification and joy felt after conquering things. The best Winning pills would feel like getting your dream job or winning the lottery, while the low quality stuff would feel more like getting to the next level on Candy Crush or checking your underwear after a feared shart and seeing that they’re clean.
15. Making a room full of people laugh. It’s not easy to amuse the masses, but doing so makes a person feel a sense of self-satisfaction and confidence. You’d swallow a couple of those bad boys and before you know it you’d have the charisma of Dave Chappelle and the confidence of Dane Cook, speaking your witty thoughts assertively, knowing they’ll warrant a reaction.