10 Things I’d Definitely Wear If I Were A Woman
1. Yoga Pants
They aren’t restricting and barely feel like you’re wearing pants, so immediately I’m sold on ‘em. Would I actually do yoga? Nope, but I used college-ruled paper in high school so I’m used to living a lie. I’ll keep wearing my full length workout spandex that I use as imitation yoga pants, but can get away with wearing as a dude because of that trusty Nike swoosh.
2. Uggs
These boots get whispered about and made fun of a lot, but they appear to be colored clouds molded & shaped perfectly for a foot, and I’m all about comfort. The other appeal of these soft, snug looking kicks is their ability to be worn with anything, at any time of the year. I’d be worried about people snapping shots of my attire and tweeting them while mocking me to the masses, but the cavalry of rebellious ladies who refuse to live within socially enforced fashion guidelines and confidently rock their Uggs with sweatpants in the middle of the summer would be my confidence boosters.
Side note: I’m aware of Uggs for Men, but I’m also aware of ice cream for dogs. Both are tempting, but not leaps I’m willing to take.
3. Army Pants & Flip-Flops
Because Cady Heron.
4. Sundresses
ALL I KNOW IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT SUNDRESSES, THEREFOR MY WARDROBE WOULD ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO FEATURE AN ARRAY OF SUNDRESSES. I hate back sweat, getting burned by seatbelts & hot weather, and I’m not big on public swimming pools, but sundresses make every summer worth it. I’ve literally never seen a sundress that I didn’t find aesthetically pleasing. Put a dirty clothes hamper in a sundress and I’ll do a double take. Put Fred, the mannequin from I Am Legend in a sundress – I’m staring. Look, I know it may seem strange but I’m wondering if I should hit a Macy’s located far, far away from my house and try one on, just to see how it feels. Unfortunately I won’t, as I fear that could be a slippery slope.
5. Galaxy Leggings
These bring that whole are-those-space-pants-because-your-butt-is-out-of-this-world? pickup line to life. I feel like these are probably widely considered ugly attire, but I’d say to each her own as I swiped my debit card, filed it back in my Versace clutch, flipped my hair, put on my sunglasses (as to not see the haters), and happily carried my bag of stretchy, cosmic, universe pants to my closet.
6. Head Jewelry
This desire to douse my dome in dangly jewelry derives from seeing Xerxes in 300. That man was decorated in shiny things like a rapper’s mouth/Christmas tree, and the concept of accurately bling-blinging from head to toe is something I’d make certainly make come to fruition as a lady.
7. Gaucho Pants
I know it’s no longer 2006, but why are these things an endangered species? As a fan of the look, and someone who constantly heard how comfy they were, I’m wondering if gauchos are completely extinct or if somewhere in a closet hangs an old pair, with the potential of a full-blown comeback in the future. Also, shout-out to the gaucho wearing model pictured above. If her pants didn’t give away the fact that the photo was taken 7 years ago, her MySpace default photo peace sign pose erased any uncertainties.
8. High Waisted Shorts
They’re just s’cute. Unfortunately I fear that I’d have a disproportioned waist that would get made fun of. Girls would take pictures of me, not looking good in my high waisted jeans and they’d post ’em online with captions like, “OMG, this style isn’t for everyone!” My feelings would be hurt, but I’d keep my head and the waistline of my shorts held high.
9. Kentucky Derby Hats
These festive hats shield the sun from your face as if you’re wearing an umbrella, and I’d wear ‘em anywhere whether it’s at the horse track or the movie theater, obstructing some non-Kentucky Derby hat wearing loser’s view. Maybe this is my love of fedoras translating to more feminine wear, but the thought of combining one of these hats with a summer dress is just too much style for one daydream.
10. Business Attire
I automatically relate pencil skirts and all that good stuff to strong authorities. Hilary Clinton, Linda McMahon — y’know, powerful women. If the professional getup isn’t your thing, pantsuit yourself, but I’d have a section of my closet reserved for stylish blazers with incredibly intimidating shoulder pads.