Some Very Specific Crushes I Have On Celebrities

Joe Rogan’s Instagram

The guy I have a crush on but also know his pathological laziness means I would never feel like he realjonily loved me enough and I’d always be unhappy in a relationship with him so I’m going to be best friends with him instead: John Mayer.

The guy I would actually marry because it feels like we would be good partners for each other: Joe Rogan.

The guy I want to have an affair with in a kind of moneyless sugar daddy kind of way: Tom Collichio.

The guy I want to be my ex-boyfriend who thinks about how he lost me and his self-hatred intensifies: Ryan Adams.

The guy I want scientists to study and figure out the science behind making at least one person in every room have a laugh that is as good as his laugh: Seth Rogen.

The guy I want to marry my best friend so that I can be around him in some capacity and also then both our last names will be Rogan/Rogen: Also Seth Rogen.

The adult person I want to have a sexual relationship with but honestly don’t know if that’s legal because it seems like they don’t have the capacity to give consent because they might literally be too stupid: Britney Spears. (Not being mean, just….).

The person I want to whisper in my ear every night that I’m a good person and I’m doing my best and, occasionally, that I “crushed it”: TJ Lavin.

The guy who I am frankly just desperate to tell me he thinks I am smart and deep while also not even being that attracted to and realizing he is at least 40% full of shit in general: Russell Brand.

The guy I just want to hold me sometimes when I’m sad: Chris Tamburello (this is a deep cut).

The guy I want to have an affair with that is basically just cosplay of his movie 28 Hotel Rooms but also somehow with a happier ending: Chris Messina.

The guy I am furious is not genetically my brother and tied to me via DNA and a sense of familial obligation: Keanu Reeves.

A deceased person I would have liked to have a very tumultuous affair with and then, many decades later, reveal to my grandchildren that I was the inspiration behind some of their art: Anne Sexton.

Someone I wish I could tell my parents that I was dating so I could feel like they approve of me: Anderson Cooper.

Someone I wish I could get drunk with for about twelve hours and then hook up with: Shep Rose (I apologize 2 all women for this one).

A guy I am desperate to date solely so that we could become writing partners: Kevin Williamson.

A guy I actually can’t even fantasize about being in a relationship with because it makes me too upset: Mark Cuban.

A guy I want to support financially while he raises my children and sometimes cooks for me: Chris Pratt. TC mark

I asked women to be honest about their Instagram photos

“The essays in this book are short and sweet, and incredible. Love love loved this.” — Alex

“I’m so in love with this book! It’s so moving and some of the stories bring me to tears not because it’s sad, but because it’s relatable and shows that we’re not alone.” — Kendra

This is the reality of Instagram...

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