Thought Catalog

Some Very Specific Crushes I Have On Celebrities

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Joe Rogan’s Instagram

The guy I have a crush on but also know his pathological laziness means I would never feel like he realjonily loved me enough and I’d always be unhappy in a relationship with him so I’m going to be best friends with him instead: John Mayer.

The guy I would actually marry because it feels like we would be good partners for each other: Joe Rogan.

The guy I want to have an affair with in a kind of moneyless sugar daddy kind of way: Tom Collichio.

The guy I want to be my ex-boyfriend who thinks about how he lost me and his self-hatred intensifies: Ryan Adams.

The guy I want scientists to study and figure out the science behind making at least one person in every room have a laugh that is as good as his laugh: Seth Rogen.

The guy I want to marry my best friend so that I can be around him in some capacity and also then both our last names will be Rogan/Rogen: Also Seth Rogen.

The adult person I want to have a sexual relationship with but honestly don’t know if that’s legal because it seems like they don’t have the capacity to give consent because they might literally be too stupid: Britney Spears. (Not being mean, just….).

The person I want to whisper in my ear every night that I’m a good person and I’m doing my best and, occasionally, that I “crushed it”: TJ Lavin.

The guy who I am frankly just desperate to tell me he thinks I am smart and deep while also not even being that attracted to and realizing he is at least 40% full of shit in general: Russell Brand.

The guy I just want to hold me sometimes when I’m sad: Chris Tamburello (this is a deep cut).

The guy I want to have an affair with that is basically just cosplay of his movie 28 Hotel Rooms but also somehow with a happier ending: Chris Messina.

The guy I am furious is not genetically my brother and tied to me via DNA and a sense of familial obligation: Keanu Reeves.

A deceased person I would have liked to have a very tumultuous affair with and then, many decades later, reveal to my grandchildren that I was the inspiration behind some of their art: Anne Sexton.

Someone I wish I could tell my parents that I was dating so I could feel like they approve of me: Anderson Cooper.

Someone I wish I could get drunk with for about twelve hours and then hook up with: Shep Rose (I apologize 2 all women for this one).

A guy I am desperate to date solely so that we could become writing partners: Kevin Williamson.

A guy I actually can’t even fantasize about being in a relationship with because it makes me too upset: Mark Cuban.

A guy I want to support financially while he raises my children and sometimes cooks for me: Chris Pratt. TC mark

I asked women to tell the story behind one of their Instagram photos 📸

“This is me on the roof of my building forcing myself to laugh. Every time I make my best friend take photos of me I remember that I’ve been single for 5 years and don’t have anyone to be in the photo with me. I’m just alone. My hair looks good though.”

This is the reality of Instagram...
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Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

“These essays are slowly changing my life, as the title promises. As my friends’ birthday come along, they will all be receiving a copy of this wonderful book.” – Janie

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