Screw Nick Viall — I Hope Raven Ends Up With These Cool Puppies

This week in Bachelor Nation we are ‘treated’ to a ‘three hour Bachelor event which is actually just one hour of Rachel/Vanessa’s fantasy suite dates and an extremely anti-climactic rose ceremony where we all know that Rachel goes home along with two hours of women fighting and Chris Harrison’s shit-eating grin.

Here’s how the women did this week:

Rachel

The Bachelor

Rachel finally goes home this week, which is weird because of all weeks after week 1, Nick seemed most enamored with her. Their chemistry is easy. They like each other and can have light hearted fun, but they are both intelligent and can talk about real stuff, too. My only explanation is that Rachel is also, by far, the best of the three women left — and that’s intimidating. Rachel wouldn’t go for a guy unless he was great, and Nick is terrified of her discovering that he isn’t worth her time.

Vanessa and Raven are easier, neither is a dope but both exist on a different plane than Nick. They seem simpler, you know exactly what you would get with them. There’s no surprises or pushback in the future (outside of the normal work of a relationship). At the end of the day Nick likes strong women, and Rachel is the strongest — and also someone he has complete chemistry with — so we have to ask the question: what does Nick really want?

The Bachelor

Raven

The Bachelor

Raven’s scenes this week are like from a sci-fi movie. It’s all about how she, an alleged 25-year-old woman, has never had an orgasm before and “Nick really knows what he’s doing” as she gleefully runs around town the morning after their fantasy suite date. It’s a scene from a romantic comedy so bad you turn it off after the first 20 minutes.

More than anything else this season, last night’s episode reminded me that Raven is so young. In four years, does she really want to be married to a 40-year-old man? Is she ready to be married to a 40-year-old man??? Life is going to get real a lot quicker than it would if she found someone her own age.

The Bachelor

Vanessa

The Bachelor

Nick and Vanessa’s date is very weird. I mean, he’s clearly going to choose her at the end, right? But it seems like… they… don’t… even… like… each other??? But they both seem very sure that they want to be together. It’s so confusing!

They laugh while doing their scenes like they are two coworkers who happen to enjoy each other’s company, but when they sit and talk about what a future together would be like — there’s no joy. It really feels like they bring out the worst in each other! They are dry and argumentative and pushing each other’s buttons without the real playfulness that should accompany these things!

The Bachelor

Burning questions for next week’s episode


Where do I get these puppies ????

The Bachelor

Seriously, can we end the show with Raven being happily ever after with these puppies???

The Bachelor

Why don’t they let Vanessa have any puppies???

The Bachelor

Is this Nick’s face when he doesn’t get to hold the puppies either???

The Bachelor

See you next week! TC mark

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