I Love Nick Viall, But He Needs To Get His Shit Together

Welcome to this week’s Bachelor recap! We need to talk about Nick Viall!!!!

Our boy is a messy bitch.

Dude is 36 and a 4-time Bachelor contestant and he just cannot get his shit together. He has a handpicked selection of 25 beautiful, (mostly) employed, relatively pleasant (if not somewhat crazy, because, reality TV) women and so far he hasn’t had real chemistry with even ONE of them.

Part of this has to do with Nick’s lack of self-awareness. He spent a lot of his life feeling (rightfully) like a nerd. He suddenly got famous and a hot cross-fit bod and someone told him how to do his hair. It’s overwhelming. I think he said yes to The Bachelor because it was aspirational to him to be fought over, but spent exactly zero time thinking about how the kind of girls who go on the show are not the kind he specifically is going to connect with.

I’m going to do the recap in the typical way, talking about how the girls did this week even though it’s not really fair to present the episode as if it’s still a competition. It’s more like everyone hanging out for a few weeks and at the end Nick takes one of them aside and asks if she wants to be his part time fwb “or something”.


eliminated


Taylor

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

This week Taylor got eliminated AGAIN! She broke the cardinal Bachelor rule which is not to let your relationship become all about some other girl. Bye!

Josephine

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Josephine seems pretty weird in a way they didn’t edit to be interesting to watch. Maybe I will subscribe to her Snapchat as a consolation prize.

Jamie

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jamie should be the new bartender on Paradise.

Alexis

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Can I pls just once have a guy dump me by saying “you already know you’re incredible.” Even though she went home, I still felt like Alexis won this episode.

Also, it somehow goes unnoticed but Alexis is low key the most beautiful girl on this season:

Call me Alexis! Lets get weird together.

Jasmine

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jasmine played herself out of this game. I liked her and wanted to see more of her, but there’s just no coming back from being that neurotic. The one thing that never helps a relationship where you feel like you’re more in it than the other person is announcing that observation to the other person.

Tho, I am a huge fan of this line “I’ve been to St. Thomas. I don’t need you to bring me here.”

Also previous trailers for this season kind of made it seem like Jasmine was going to develop into villain #2 after Corinne, her being kicked off without that ever having happened makes that editing seem vaguely racist.

Whitney

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

We all saw Whitney’s exit coming. They didn’t give her any screen time or plot — even though she’s v hot and seems cool. But I also think a good rule of thumb is that the kind of person who doesn’t get a lot of screen time on a reality show is probably also the kind of person you’d want to know in real life.

Danielle L

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Danielle L is one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen on television so I’ve been surprised all season that Nick hasn’t shown a gigantic preference for her — and especially surprised he two-on-one-d her last night. I actually know it’s true that beautiful people still have problems, but it still reads as cognitive dissonance for my brain. I mean, look:

I know, objectively, that being beautiful isn’t an end all, be all but damn. In a show all about attraction, Danielle L still can’t make it through. I realize this is mostly about the kind of guy Nick is and how he should have never gone on the show to begin with, but it seems insane that he can’t feel an attraction for her.

As she limo cries her way out of the show Danielle L says “maybe I’m just not perfect” which is truly sad because she basically is??? So, there’s a bottomless pit of people below her who are even less perfect and somehow still can’t be enough for someone. Life is so fun!!!! I’m such a fan.


still in the running


Corinne

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Maybe Corinne will be the new Vienna? I keep assuming she’s going to go home and being wrong.

I’m surprised Nick likes her so much, tbh. But also, I fricken LOVE her. I hope she’s getting a spinoff about like, what kind of snacks she likes to eat and other things I should idolize her for besides drinking champagne in bed on her rest days.

Also, I want a guy who looks at me the way Corinne looks at her maid:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Kristina

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

For some reason Kristina surprised me this episode. I had assumed she was filler before but her date with Nick was very sweet and genuine. I’m a fan now.

Raven

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

I started out liking Raven but she grows on me more every week (though, like Corinne I also think she is not right for Nick). Did anyone else notice she seemed super psyched when they house realized Corinne got to stay?

Danielle M

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Danielle M is definitely a frontrunner. She’s the kind of combo of sweet and “serious” that could convince Nick she’s a good pick, even though she’s not right for him. (Hidden theme of this season: women who are not right for Nick).

Vanessa

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

All the Thought Catalog girls are totally convinced Nick is going to end up with Vanessa. I think he’s going to get to the end and think “well Vanessa is very serious” and confuse that with making the right choice. Vanessa is actually awful and even though I think Nick is a little bit not-a-catch, he can do way better than to settle for the kind of boring, conventional relationship/life she wants.

Rachel

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Rachel accomplishes being neurotic without being a Debbie Downer. She’s honest and vulnerable, in a positive way that brings Nick closer. For the 500th time, she’s too good for Nick, so pls let her be the next Bachelorette.


Burning questions for next week’s episode


How many times will Nick cry???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

No really????

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Will this episode just be 120 minutes of people crying???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Will Corinne sex Nick out of his existential despair???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Unrelated burning question: how can we work ‘can I walk you out?’ into our collective vernacular as the most neutral/expedient means of ending a difficult conversation???

See you next week! TC mark

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