Ranking The Women On This Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ Week 5: What’s Wrong With ‘Teen Mom’?

Hi Everyone! It’s week 5 in Bachelor Nation, our little baby is growing up! This week Ben pretended to care about fashion (which was weird for all of us), Jubilee acted “erratic”, and Olivia felt like she was on an episode of Teen Mom (which, to be fair, was a great joke, just unacceptable for middle America/the Bachelor audience/Ben H from Indiana.

We also learned that when The Bachelor is filming in their luxury locations, the girls share beds???

Here's Jubliee and Olivia sharing a bed.
Here’s Jubliee and Olivia sharing a bed.

Is this low-budget? Or do they want them to fight in their sleep? Does this happen everywhere? Like, when they Bachelor dude gets ready to give his final rose, do the two finalists have to share a hotel room the night before? Whack.

Here’s how the girls are doing this week, ranked from least to most likely to make it to the end:


Our Fallen Heros


Jubilee

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jubilee doesn’t seem to think about how others are going to perceive the things she does. When Ben tries to do something sweet with her on the group date, she publicly rebuffs him because he also says sweet things to other girls, so he “doesn’t mean it.” Later, he tries to hold her hand and again — in front of everyone — she rejects him. I think it’s a really good indicator of how poor the health of their relationship would be if he chose her because it isn’t always about how you feel. That’s embarrassing and frustrating for Ben. He’s not doing anything wrong here, he’s doing what you go on The Bachelor to do. In the end, it’s not that Ben didn’t like Jubilee, it’s that Jubilee’s actions alienated him to the point that it overshadowed the fragile connection Bachelor relationships are built on.

In her exit interview she bemoans that she would have loved Ben “unconditionally” but that’s just not true. Her affection for him was completely conditional on whether he was making her feel confident from moment to moment.

Why are you here Jubilee? The great thing about life is that you can choose to do things that make you happy. If you don’t want to date someone who is dating a bunch of other girls, consider not making the choice to be in a situation where that’s all that’s going to happen for months.

If you find yourself acting like Jubilee in relationships and want a good read on the subject, here’s exactly why it’s bullshit not to feel good when a guy is into you (but also into other women/into having sex with you/whatever other made up reason you’ve given yourself to feel insecure about it). Let’s end with Ben’s #sadface after Jubilee rejects him in front of all the other girls, and America:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Still competing for Ben’s heart — at least until there’s actually a rose ceremony


Emily

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

I’m so tired of this girl talking about how dumb and inept at everything she is as if that’s some sort of badge of honor. This week Emily decided to use Olivia’s Teen Mom comment as a platform to be dramatic and whine to Ben about how she doesn’t like “fake people”. She’s not even involved? Get a different hobby.

Jennifer

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jennifer only gets a group date and then spends her only alone time with Ben complaining about Olivia.

Leah

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Leah doesn’t get any time with Ben during the group date because he spent so much time dealing with Jubilee’s drama.

Lauren H

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

It’s not that I hate Lauren H, it’s just that sometimes you see someone and you’re just like “that’s not for me.” I feel like you could hold of on actually dating her and just date a robot that likes everything and constantly claps their hands together like a seal:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Then she says things no one should ever say. Like “holy shoot”.

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Also, this bitch drinks red wine out of champagne flutes:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Olivia

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

This was truly Olivia’s week to shine. She’s gotta get some kind of TV deal for this, right? She can be Chris Harrison’s assistant or something. Anyways, she informs us all that her and Ben have their own love language, which we obviously cannot even fathom.

The big controversy this week as she starts talking about shuffling her kids around between her mom and her ex while she’s filming and Olivia remarks “I feel like this is an episode of Teen Mom that I watch.” Everyone thinks this is offensive and I don’t really understand why. It did sound like an episode of Teen Mom.

To be fair, she handles it really well and tells Amanda this experience is making her realize some uncomfortable things about herself — like that she sometimes says rude things without realizing it — and that she’ll try to do better.

Becca

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Becca is a total wallflower this week — and every other week.

Jojo

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jojo does exactly the right thing, which is to comfort Ben after he makes the tough decision to let Jubilee go home. She tells him how good he is at doing difficult things and how much she admires him.

We also get this amazing jem from Jojo: “Ben already tasted my taco. And he loved it.”

Amanda

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Amanda gets a one-on-one date this week. Here’s Olivia’s face when Amanda’s name was on the date card:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

What I like about Amanda is that she’s soooooo boring — which is perfect for bland Ben. I also like that she has awesome hair and I hope she sticks around so I can keep looking at it and figure out how she styles it. Amanda is the kind of girl who everyone will always describe as “beautiful inside and out” when what they really mean is “beautiful on the outside, not multi-faceted enough to offend anyone on the inside.”

Lauren B

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Ben seems to take special time on the group date to go on a walk around the city with Lauren B. When other girls have to compete and interrupt each other for a few minutes of time, that’s a really good sign.

Caila

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Caila only had like 2 lines this week, but if she’s in it for the long haul they could just be wanting to keep her low key for a bit.


Burning questions for next week’s episode


Why is everyone crying???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

No really, ‘sup with all the tears???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Why is Lauren H making this face???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Even Jojo is crying???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

WHO IS GOING ON A TWO-ON-ONE DATE???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

What is “the biggest mistake of Ben’s life”???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

What pensive thoughts will Ben think on this cool cliff???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

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