ABC gifted us with 5 hours of The Bachelor this week. For reference, that’s 1/8th of the average working week. We catch up with some of “our favorite” characters from “Bachelor Nation” (***This is really how Chris Harrison describes it).
Ugh. First like a fly that won’t die when you hit it with a flyswattter we have to deal with Kelsey coming back to the show to talk to Chris Harrison about how “controversial” she is. Which is funny because she isn’t controversial, America seems pretty united about how much we dislike her.
Anyways Kelsey tries to claw her way back onto her high horse by saying she thought Ashely I. was “incredible” which literally no one believes (and ABC handily flashes back to scenes that aid in our continued disbelief, such as Kelsey telling her she needs to go home and play with her dolls). So funny!
We also got to reminisced about The Panic Attack Heard Around The World:
Kelsey promises us we’ll see her again at The Women Tell All where there will be a “crucifixion.”
Chris and Chris bro down and fail to really reveal anything interesting or exciting. Come on guys! Tell us what medications you found when you went through Ashley S.’s luggage.
The worst part of this whole interview is the lack of Chris Harrison probing Farmer Chris about his relationship now. That and the lack of a proposal preview in the season trailers are not making a great case for a killer season finale — which is honestly a shame because that definitely makes show watching more fun, and I actually really like all the girls who are left after this week.
Andi returns to The Bachelor to cry her eyes out and talk about breaking up with Josh. It’s legitimately hard to watch and you can’t help but feel bad from her because if you remember nothing else from her season, she was trying her ass off. Another respectable thing is that she actually talks about why it didn’t work with Josh, she doesn’t shy away from it or give a vague reason. She says that they didn’t make each other be better people, which is a poignant and sad thing to say. Very sad all around.
“The Journey” in South Dakota
As Chris Soules Bachelor journey continues, he’s in South Dakota with the girls at a cocktail party right after eliminating Kelsey and Ashley I. on the group date.
Megan pulls Chris aside to tell him she feels like her relationship feels behind the other girls’ relationships with Chris. He’s honest with her that she’s exactly right about this, and it’s been reflected to all of us viewers as she hasn’t had very much camera time all season. He says goodbye to her then rather than making her wait around for the rose ceremony.
“The Journey” continues… in Iowa
Jade gets a one-on-one date to go see Chris’ hometown and everyone is jealous. Jade is from small town Nebraska so she knows what she’s getting into. Chris takes her on a very sweet date to his high school football game and around his home.
Whitney and Chris run around Des Moines taking goofy photos for an art project. Whitney talks about how she can feel at home in Des Moines. Which is funny because Des Moines is nowhere near his home. His home is literally 3 hours worth of corn fields (and ONLY corn fields) away. Welcome to Iowa.
Kaitlyn starts the group date off on a bad foot because she was really expecting and hoping to be on a one-on-one date instead since she hasn’t had one since Jimmy Kimmel interrupted the one she did have. Everything ends up okay, she has fun playing hockey, has some intimate time with Chris, and walks away with the date rose.
I like Carly, her comments to the camera are hysterical — but, she doesn’t spend a lot of time focusing on her relationship with Chris, which is Bachelor mistake #1. She spends all her time complaining about the other girls or talking about her own lack of confidence, neither of which is helping her when it comes to Chris.
Chris ends up eliminating Brit in Iowa, though thankfully for Carly (and America) he does so after Brit.
Brit and the girls go on a road trip to Arlington to see where Chris lives. This is Brit’s reaction when she sees what Iowa is like:
I don’t mean to disrespect Iowa constantly. It’s beautiful (if you like flat land and corn fields) and small towns can be really cool if you like outdoorsy stuff and can make your own fun but the thing is that it is an acquired taste, and it’s really something that is just not going to work out for people who are wholely unfamiliar with it.
Brit is one of these people. She’s a waitress in LA, probably to her credit, Iowa is just never going to make her happy. She even says it seems “depressing.” To her discredit, she’s not honest with Chris about this. She gushes to him during two separate private times (one before and one after Carly fills Chris in on the truth) about how much she “loves” Arlington.
After Kaitlyn gets the group date rose, Brit freaks out and shows her true colors (bitchy and high-maintenance). She takes it so far that Chris has to stop and ask, “are you threatening me?” and questions whether she even wants to be there. Her future is the cliffhanger between Sunday and Monday’s episodes.
At the rose ceremony Britt comes to her senses and tries to dial it back, but Chris eliminates her. And women everywhere celebrate.
Chris seems to think his one-on-one date with Becca is a breath of fresh air after having to deal with Brit. Nothing particularly interesting happens, but maybe that’s a selling point if you’re looking for a wife who wants to live in Iowa?
I think Becca is a good fit for Chris, my only reservation is that he’s 32 and though she seems mature, she’s never been in love, never had a real boyfriend, never had an intimate relationship — it’s hard to feel like the two are in the same place in life.
The Hometown Visits
Chris is the first man that Becca ever brings to meet her parents (see my point above). Her hometown date is pretty boring, she has a great, undramatic family and everything goes well. The most interesting part wasn’t even on the show — Becca’s brother is an NFL player.
There are a lot of blown-up non-issues in Whitney’s hometown visit:
- Whitney takes Chris to her works and pretends she wants a sperm sample from Chris, no one is fooled (or laughing at the “joke”) — it’s just like oh ok, so nothing interesting happens on this visit.
- Whitney’s sister refuses to outright give her blessing to Chris without knowing him and Whitney pretends this is a big deal. Chris doesn’t care. No one cares.
- People act as if Whitney can’t relocate to Chris’ hometown. There are hospitals everywhere. In rural areas, you have to drive a long time to get to one, but that’s built into the lifestyle. It’s not not like Andi trying to take her law career to Arlington, Whitney has to give up her specialty but in reality would easily fit in in Arlington.
- Whitney shares an expensive bottle of wine she bought for her husband with Chris (go, The Secret!) and tearfully tells him she’s falling in love.
For some reason Kaitlyn meets Chris in an alley. She’s turned on (???) by him rapping (???) so she wants to rap in the studio with him (???). Meeting her family is fun and flawless and the whole hometown visit is great… except that it becomes almost awkwardly apparent that Kaitlyn is pretty far behind the other girls in terms of how far her relationship with Chris has progressed.
Good thing Jade messes up this week…
Jade’s hometown visit is completely fucking bizarre.
To begin with I support Jade’s Playboy career, I think it’s cool. But it’s also the kind of decision that’s going to cross you off the list of certain kinds of potential husbands — totally fine, just reality. But Jade doesn’t see it this way. She both thinks its not enough of a big deal to not bring up to Chris before he’s meeting her parents, but that it’s such a big deal that it takes Chris 20 minutes of awkward silence to coax the words out of her.
The second bizarre thing is that her (very, very Nebraska) family is super weird about her Playboy past. It seems like her brother is maybe (definitely) infatuated with her as he keeps talking around the issue and referring to her as a “wild mustang.” Oh. Okay?
In the end, Chris thinks it’s as weird as everyone else does that the shy, innocent, conservative girl he thought he knew apparently has a whole personality she hasn’t shown him. I think this upset him because he thought he’d pick her and bring her to Arlington and she’d “free spirit” herself and up and leave him as soon as it wasn’t excited. Jade does not get a rose.
As a parting gift, he’s Chris awkwardly reacting to her photos:
Burning questions for next weeks episode
Who the fuck is going to win this thing now that Brit Brit is gone?
What culturally insensitive things will ABC make Chris and the girls do in Bali?
Is anyone else hoping Carly (and her impressions) are the next Bachelorette?
Is Whitney’s “honesty” about how hard she’s worked for the career she now wants to give up for a guy she’s only known a few weeks going to be a turn-off for Chris?
Will Becca go to the fantasy suite with Chris?
Why haven’t they shown a preview of Chris proposing by now?
See you next week!