Kelsey From ‘The Bachelor’ Is A Toxic Virus And Must Be Stopped. (A Ranking Of This Week’s Episode.)

The subtle tides have turned and we have awoken to find ourselves at the point in every Bachelor season where the girls really turn on each other. We discover that Britt has not showered in the WEEKS she’s been in the Bachelor house, that Kelsey is an evil bitch with a very sad backstory, and that there is a full-blown Whitney-Ashley I. feud.

This week Chris tells us he’s “excited to spend more time with the girls” and for the rest of the episode the producer’s refuse to show boring Chris and his non-existent personality again. So we focus on the eleven remaining girls who are inexplicably excited (???) to go to Santa Fe. It’s somewhat of a non-starter of an episode because no one ends up getting eliminated, but it does feel like a luxurious calm before the storm, the perfect opportunity to take stock of all the drama and predict where we think the dust will settle in episodes to come.


Where the remaining girls stand


Carly

This is Carly:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

This is the suggestive date card Chris gives Carly to go on a sex mentor date:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

This is Carly’s reaction to the pun:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Chris wants to figure out if his chemistry with Carly is “just friends” or romantic. So he does a totally normal thing and takes her to an “intimacy mentor.” We’ve all been there, amirite? Abnormal as it may be, if I was any of the other girls I would be shaking in my boots. There’s a lot about this date that would bring any couple closer together: doing something new (and kind of scary) as a couple, opening up to each other, undressing each other slowly, and lots and lots of touching. Carly ends up crying because she is “terrified” of physical intimacy which is the most unrelatable thing I think anyone could say to me, but when she says the story behind it, about feeling unworthy of love it’s actually touching. Especially when Chris whispers, “you are worthy.” My dark little heart was bursting.

You get him Carly!

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jordan

You may remember Jordan as looking like this:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

She was eliminated a few episodes ago but she “drove” to Santa Fe to beg Chris for a second chance. Now she looks like this:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Chris reveals that he let her go because she was drinking a lot and it seemed like Jordan wasn’t taking the experience seriously. So he gives her a second chance. And by second chance I mean she gets to sit in a circle of girls who are glaring at her for an hour before he re-eliminates her.

For the record, here is Kelsey’s #judgingface when Jordan makes her reappearance:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Becca

This week I realized Becca is kind of a Face Talker:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

This is pretty much all Becca did this week.

Kelsey

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Kelsey talks about being a widow the same way Ashley I. talks about being a virgin, as if it’s a currency that is going to persuade Chris to keep them around. It’s gross.

But wait — it gets grosser! When she’s finished talking to Chris she says in all sincerity, “isn’t my story amazing?”

After she tells him her AMAZING TRAGIC STORY she kisses him and tells the cameras he loves kissing her but in real life he looked like he was just doing it to be polite.

To the cameras she also says she “loves overwhelmingly” which is a good lesson about the kind of people who talk about how positive and loving they are — they, without fail, are some of the most judgmental, negative people you’ll encounter. It’s the law of “what you talk about is what you don’t have,” or something.

Kaitlyn

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Kaitlyn isn’t around much this episode. She must be recharging her Cool Girl batteries for next week.

Jade

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jade goes overboard on the rafting date and Chris plays hero and pulls her back in. Apparently she has a disorder that requires Chris to massage her feet afterwards. Same, tbh.

Samantha

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Samantha has still not spoken this season.

Britt

Britt gets a one-on-one date this week and Chris decides to “surprise” her by waking her up at 4:30am, with a camera. If you are a man reading this, please know that this is every woman’s worst nightmare and it is not a good surprise, ever. But of course Britt sleeps with a full face of makeup on so Chris wakes her up and tells the camera she looks just as beautiful as she does at any other time of the day.

Here’s Britt’s face when she tries her hardest to pretend to be excited about having five minutes to get ready for a date:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

She tries her hardest to be a caricature of a little-girl woman. She bugs her eyes out and squeals and claps her hands together with faux-excitement. It’s so, so gross.

~*~WHATEVER~*~

Britt gets to the date and it’s a beautiful hot air balloon date that unfolds like a Bachelor movie montage. It’s not even interesting to watch, it’s just so… generic. Also, they are in a tiny hot air balloon making out directly next to the balloon operator. How is that not awkward?

Ashley I.

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Hi. Can we talk about the breathtaking lack of self-awareness that is Ashley I?

When Jordan returns she goes on a tirade about how she needs to “grow up” and how she isn’t “marriage material” while also screaming about how they should “not be nice” to Jordan.

I would pay big money to be in the room while someone wheels in a giant mirror and forces Ashley to have a reality check about the growing up she needs to do and her own (fairly extreme) lack of “marriage material” qualities.

She also gets in a fight with Whitney because she is arguing that they should be “less understanding” and then throws a tantrum and runs away screaming and crying when she doesn’t get the date rose. Okay Ashley…

Whitney

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Whitney’s impressive when she stands her group with Ashley I.’s mean girl antics, even when she uses her teeny tiny baby voice to do it. She gets a rose on the group date because she “always makes Chris feel special.”

Megan

An aside: when the girls were gathered in their hotel gossiping about how Britt doesn’t shower and doesn’t want kids, they kept showing Megan without any makeup and she just looked ~*~flawless~*~ so shout-out to some natural beauty:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Kenzie

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

To Kenzie’s credit, when Ashley I. is trying to get her to shit talk about Whitney, Kenzie doesn’t go for it. She just says “it just sounds like you don’t like her.” She’s is absolutely not a contender in this season, they basically just show her as the best friend to the other girls, never having her own thing to say, just being supportive.


Burning questions for next week’s episode


Did Kelsey throw herself down the stairs for attention?

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

What did they not see coming???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

What did one of the girls tell Chris about Ashley I. to cause her 100th breakdown of the season?

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Can the two-on-one date PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be Whitney and Ashley I.?

Where do Britt and Chris run off to?

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Is Kaitlyn borrowing Britt’s lipstick?

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

All this and more, next week. TC mark

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