Ding Dong The Wicked Witch Is Dead (And Other Things That Happened On Last Night’s ‘The Bachelor’)

This week’s episodes opens with crying, as we revisit Kelsey having thrown herself onto the floor for attention. It seems what happened is that Chris cancelled the cocktail party and, suddenly unsure of where she stood, she retreated to her old standby of playing the victim. After successfully manipulating her way into more private time (and assurance) from Chris, Kelsey goes back to the girls and condescends to them with her new “inside knowledge” of why Chris cancelled the party. As we’ve already established, Kelsey is a toxic virus and must be stopped.

This is Kelsey “having a panic attack”

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

This is her expression afterwards

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

The episode continues with a backwards rose ceremony that ABC is putting at the beginning of the episode from now on for some reason (note for ABC: please stop doing this) and we said goodbye to Samantha (obviously) and Kenzie. The noteable thing about Kenzie’s elimination is that later in the episode Chris says that he wants the kind of girl who gets along with others in the group. The one remarkable thing about Kenzie is that whenever there’s a girl crying, it’s Kenzie’s shoulder she’s crying on. It’s never explicitly discussed, but she seems to be the one girl who’s well-liked by everyone.


Bye Bye, See You On ‘Bachelor Pad’


RIP Samantha:

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The Bachelor

RIP Kenzie:

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The Bachelor

Next, Chris wants to take the girls “somewhere fun” so they go to South Dakota (???)

Though the whole trip might be worth it just for this eye candy:

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The Bachelor

The one-on-one date


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Chris picks Becca for the one-on-one date and they go shooting, which — men reading this take note, is a fantastic first date idea. They have a lot of fun and then go to a campfire (another awesome date idea) and giggle at each other. This is a weird thing to say but she kind of has a “farm wife” personality in that she’s really dorky and weird but also confident in a very, very unassuming way. Anyways, Chris gives her a rose and they (finally) have their first kiss.


The Confrontation


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The Bachelor

Back at the house Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Carly confront Kelsey about how she seems to be a kind of terrible person. Kelsey cries and feigns being confused and overwhelmed, and then tries to win favor with the audience by telling the producers she is being bullied.


“Two girls, one rose — one stays, one goes”


This date brings us a moment which will live in Bachelor history:

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The Bachelor

Ashley I

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The Bachelor

It’s a true testament to Kelsey’s psychosis that even with Ashley I’s breathtaking lack of self-awareness, she’s the favorite to come out of the dreaded two-on-one date. It seems like what happens is that Chris sets this date up knowing he’s going to eliminate Kelsey but Ashley is such an insane drama queeen/crybaby that he is forced to eliminate her and her tarantula fake eyelashes as well.

Ashley does not find this “friggen hillarious.”

Kelsey

Here are some #BestOfKelsey quotes just from last night’s episode:

“I am blessed with eloquence and I am articulate and I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.”

“I am The One he is going to marry and today is the day that signifies the start of that all.”

“I feel empathy towards the other girls, especially the ones who are really worried about going home. They should be worried.”

“Do you see this face? I am not happy.”

“My story is amazing. It’s tragic and it’s inspiring. And it’s beautiful.”

Well, ding dong, the wicked witch is dead. Kelsey will have to take her amazing story somewhere else. And if she is (somehow) picked to be the Bachelorette I will literally go on strike.

As far as people complaining about ABC making Kelsey into a villain, I think Kaitlyn sums it up the best: “It’s not about your sad story, it’s about you being a shitty human being.” And when you’re a shitty human being, this is how people respond when they realize you have left them forever:


The group date


Chris loves country music so he has the girls write and perform songs for him with Big & Rich.

Whitney

Whitney found herself a “Princess Farming” outfit to wear this week:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Whitney is growing on me. She stands up for herself with Brit and Kelsey and doesn’t do anything annoying. So there’s that.

Jade

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

I feel bad for Jade because in every Bachelor season there’s one (or more) dates like this where you “win” by showing how extroverted and not-shy you are. Except that not everyone wants an extrovert who is super gregarious, but it makes good TV so we have to watch people who aren’t showy force themselves to be awkwardly showy time and time again.

In the end Jade showcases that she is a bad singer and no one cares because she’s hot.

Megan

Here’s Megan dancing on a random table in the background while Big & Rich are giving them songwriting advice. That’s about all she does this episode.

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The Bachelor

Kaitlyn

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The Bachelor

Kaitlyn has transformed from cool girl to real girl who speaks her mind and advocates for the good of the group. She is now everyone’s #1 to be the next Bachelorette.

Carly

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The Bachelor

You know it’s a bit of a wacky season when someone like Carly is the voice of reason on the show, and yet here we are.

Brit

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The Bachelor

At this point Brit and Chris are so into each other I wonder if there’s any point in showing us the rest of the season. If he doesn’t choose her in the end, something Very Big has to happen to change his mind about her (and it’s going to be The Most Dramatic Episode Of The Bachelor Ever). Which I hope ends up happening because Britt sucks.

Chris rewards all the women for opening up and getting vulnerable with him by literally running away from them with Brit in the rudest and most humiliating date faux pas I can imagine.

Brit does her usual thing of acting like an over excited little girl and squealing and clapping her hands together every time Chris speaks, and to his discredit, Chris eats it up. It’s gross:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Burning Questions For Next Week’s Episode


Who will go home at the rose ceremony in Deadwood? Just Megan? Or….

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The Bachelor

How many of the girls are going to freak out when they realize what “the country” is actually like?

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The Bachelor

Will Brit’s face get stuck like this?

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The Bachelor

Which girl will Chris’ family hate?

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The Bachelor

How will Chris respond when Jade tells him she did Playboy?

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The Bachelor

What makes Chris’ favorite girl sob uncontrollably?

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The Bachelor

Over And Over

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The Bachelor

And Over

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The Bachelor

See you next week! TC mark

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