Ranking The Men On This Season Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Based On How Depressing They Seem

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The second greatest franchise of our time is about to debut a new season starring Andi, the heroine who stood up to bad boy/literal idiot Juan Pablo. I’m excited to see if she’ll continue to be a voice of reason on the show. Anyways, onto my actual favorite part of the show: mercilessly judging the contestants as if I’m not dying for the opportunity to be one. Here are this season’s men ranked from most to least depressing.
For posterity, check out my rankings of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor where I correctly surmised that our girl Clare was the top #1 most depressing person of all time.

Carl

He lives in Hollywood and his favorite artist is Banksy. 🙁

Mike

No one has told Mike that he didn’t show up to a casting call for 1995. Very sad.

Jason

“You know you’ve done something worthwhile if you get some letters after your name.” This is Jason talking about his greatest achievement, it’s not that he’s a doctor and so he gets to save people’s lives, it’s that he got recognition in the form of a title. Awesome priorities dude.

Also, his hair is remarkably bad.

Dylan

Dylan filled out his profile the same way my 10-year-old nephew would have: Sports Illustrated, Connect Four, and apple juice. What is he going to talk to an assistant district attorney about?

Cody

He says his favorite book is an old young-adult novel which probably means he hasn’t read anything since then.

Josh M.

Josh M. is forced to identify himself as a “former professional baseball player” while everyone else gets to say what they’re actually (currently) doing with their lives. Seems bleak.

Tasos

If Andi was going to date Tasos she would have to have a Pretty Woman moment where she gave him money to get a real haircut and fix his ear holes. Now you’re thinking about ear holes, right? Yucky.

Ron

I am putting him on the bleak side of the spectrum because he gave all one word answers which makes it seem like he has nothing to say. $5 says that he doesn’t get enough personal time with Andi on the first night but also doesn’t do anything about it.

Marquel

WHAT MATERIAL IS THAT JACKET MADE OUT OF?

Emil

His profile makes it seem like he has had a lot of problems with women in the past, frowny face. This is definitely going to come out on the show (if he sticks around long enough) and it will be Bleaksville, USA.

Nick S.

Never trust a man who wears a bedazzled dog tag as man jewelry. That’s some Jason Wahler shit.

Brett

He is a hairstylist with hockey hair (look at the tufts coming out the bottom) which is confusing. I’d give it a pass on any other guy but isn’t hair supposed to be your thing if you’re a hairstylist? Are you bad at your job? I need answers. America needs answers.

Craig

His favorite attributes are “energetic, funny, and smart” which are great picks, but all his favorite movies are kids movies, so I’m getting a man-child vibe from him.

Patrick

Calling it: this will be everyone’s mom’s favorite.

Bradley

When I saw this guys profile I said, out loud, LOOK at this fucking dude. Of fucking COURSE his name is Bradley. He is the Bradliest Bradley I have ever seen. I want to dismiss him completely but the high brow/low brow combo of being an opera singer and reading People magazine, however, forces me to say that he doesn’t seem as depressing as his pink button-up shirt and hopelessly douchey face make him appear.

Nick V

I like how he talks back to the questionnaire with that “duh.” Sassy.

Rudie

He’s an attorney! They can be a cutesy attorney couple and have little attorney babies. He seems smart and like he has his own interests, not depressing.

JJ

On the one hand, he started his own company (cool), on the other hand, he calls himself a “pantsapreneur” (???).

Josh B.

Decent job, self-improvement goals, cool taste in movies. Not depressing.

Chris

Awww a lil farmer from Iowa. Farm people can emit this weird anti-intellectual attitude or they can be the coolest and most fun people to be around (or sometimes both). We’ll see how this one plays out.

Steven

This guy has one of those genuine smiles where you can just tell someone is legitimately happy, which is the least depressing quality anyone can have. He also has a job that marries a passion with something that takes intelligence and likes to give by by teaching kids how to snowboard.

Brian

Hoosiers and The Notebook: the perfect combination of movies for a guy to like. His favorite author is John Grisham which means he’s actually a person who reads and (big plus) not pretentious! A snob might enjoy John Grisham as a beach read, but they would never admit to it or list him as a favorite author. He’s not for me (or, I’m guessing Andie who’s smart enough to be an assistant district attorney at 26) but I like him.

Marcus

This guy seems badass. He traveled around Europe after high school and played professional soccer, and now got a real job out of it (see how that’s done Josh M?). He also realizes that Third Eye Blind is possibly the most underrated band of our time.

Andrew

Andrew is a social media marketer so he’s not one of those annoying people who walk around saying “social media/smart phones/technology is the end of western civilization as we know it” with absolutely no facts whatsoever to back up their claim. That’s a plus. He also has a hobby (cars) and knows how to do cool facial hair. Not very depressing.

[Note: Another contestant, Eric Hill, tragically died after filming the show after being injured while paragliding. He seemed legitimately very cool, and I hope the show is a great tribute to him for those that knew him.]