10 Extremely Unsexy “Sexy” Products You Can Buy On Etsy

1. Butt panties

Etsy, knickerocker
Etsy, knickerocker

I love butts. I don’t know if you’ve been on Tumblr lately, but the female ass is definitely having a moment right now. However these panties, no. First of all they are extremely bulky so you would never wear them under something. You would have to excuse yourself and change into them and then be like “here’s my butt.” Lingerie is awesome, but the best lingerie is sexy and feminine, leaving something to the imagination rather than a jokey item that announces your private area and that it’s time to have sex right now–becuase you aren’t going to be able to do anything else in these panties. The fit has to be completely perfect for this silhouette to work, which is an ordering online nightmare to begin with, and also means you can’t really move around in them.

2. Men’s fishnet g-string

Etsy, ImageLab4you
Etsy, ImageLab4you

I will say that I’m not a fan of male thongs. However, I know that this is sexy to people and more power to them. However, fishnet on your sweaty genital area is not chic. Fishnet is not breathable. And from the looks of this pic, it is not real fishnet, which can make up for being sweaty (in a Monet way) by having the effect of lace, showing some, but not too much. This is like Finnick Odair fishnet, which is like weirdly rugged and tight in some places and loose in others, which destroys the coy purpose of using that fabric. It’s just like, here’s my junk with some material over it! Also, points off for selling a male product without using a male model.

3. Homemade kegal ball

Etsy, LSGTouch
Etsy, LSGTouch

What is sexier than thinking about a woman sitting around her craft table in her suburban home working on her DIY sex toy line for Etsy? Basically, every conceivable thing that isn’t what I just described.

4. Chocolate Penis crocheted sex toy with Harness

Etsy, nextincarnation
Etsy, nextincarnation

This isn’t intended for penetration, so it is literally a crocheted penis doll the creator intends for you to bring to parties? Oh, ok. Also, don’t say chocolate unless you mean the edible kind. I am hungry now.

5. The creepiest dildo ever

Etsy, laTeefahDoLLs1898
Etsy, laTeefahDoLLs1898

I can just imagine announcing to my boyfriend that I got us a new sex toy. The mischievous smile on his face, running to the bedroom to see what it is. And then the look of horror when he sees this sculpted dildo made to look like a person wearing a horrifying bunny costume. I’m not sure when or how our sex life would resume after that.

6. Twee sex toy container

Etsy, MontclairMade
Etsy, MontclairMade

If you want to be cool and have sex toys but then simultaneously announce to your partner that you are, in fact, uptight and type A, this is the product for you.

7. A photo print of two Barbies getting it on

Etsy, Lovalon
Etsy, Lovalon

From the product description:

We love Barbie dolls– we love Valentine’s Day– we love the two together.

This is an original 4 x 6 inch print of Barbie dolls gone bad, gone wrong, and beyond the limits of plastic doll passion! The perfect addition to any card or flower arrangement!

So there you go, they say it’s the perfect addition to *any* card or flower arrangement. Inquire as to whether you can buy in bulk.

8. Homemade (vegan, gluten-free) lube

Etsy, TheNaturalApothecary
Etsy, TheNaturalApothecary

In this day and age there’s no reason your vagina shouldn’t be gluten-free. Gluten-free is sexy. In fact, as I am approaching orgasm I prefer my partner to whisper “vegan, gluten-free” in my ear.

9. Haute Couture Condom

Etsy, CondomCulture
Etsy, CondomCulture

Man, the world really is behind in production of “I love sex” jewelry. This beautiful, handmade blue condom pendant with attached “I love sex” mini plaque will have the suitors lining up. Wear it in the club! Force a blushing bride to wear it at her bachelorette party! Give it as a gag gift to your office secretary!

10. Soap

Etsy, SoapRevoltNaturals
Etsy, SoapRevoltNaturals

Only on Etsy is DIY soap considered a sexy product. TC mark

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