1. Your date (or lack thereof) is always a point of discussion among your family. Either you’re consistently dateless or your long string of much older/tattooed/otherwise inappropriate partners never fails to raise eyebrows.
2. You have a potty mouth. It’s one thing to talk about fucking and sucking over brunch with your bitches, and quite another to ask your friend where he came while you’re holding her nephew (true story). Even when you leave your world for your family’s it’s hard to suddenly develop a filter overnight.
3. Shots are your preferred alcohol delivery system.
4. You’re a male who doesn’t like football or a female who doesn’t jump into the “can I hold it?” line when someone shows up with an infant.
5. People refer to the year you weren’t able to attend the family gathering as “the tame year.”
6. The formerly fun loving people in your family who are now respectable adults (read: your “fun” aunt/uncle) address you with a smirk every time you say hello.
7. Your section of your parent’s Christmas letter is the shortest and includes at least one error about your life. It usually reads along the lines of “Chrissy is still living in the city and is an excellent babysitter for her nephews when they visit.” You realize I wrote a book this year, right parents? Meanwhile, your married siblings have lengthy paragraphs devoted to whatever it is that they do out there in the suburbs.
8. At some point a relative has disciplined a child by saying they don’t want them to “turn out” like you. Your name alone is a cautionary tale.
9. You receive a questionable amount of “suggestions” as gifts: an cigarette so you can quit smoking, a gym membership so you can channel your “colorful personality” into kickboxing and, the crème de la crème of passive aggressive mom gifts: an online dating membership.
10. No one asks you to bring a dish to share, they know you don’t cook–and even if you did waking up in time to drive to the party AND remembering to schlep something in Tupperware isn’t your forte.
11. At Thanksgiving dinner, you usually go a few rounds before your mom deems your “what I’m thankful for” item appropriate.
12. There’s a betting pool on what you’ll come up with this year as your annual excuse to skip midnight mass.
13. You never show up at a family gathering empty handed (unless you happen to know the host will already have a fully stocked bar they aren’t stingy about breaking into).