I’ve never attempted to kill myself, and I doubt I ever will, but I just want to die. I’m an incredibly happy guy odd enough. I truthfully am happy, but whenever I think about getting shot, or getting cancer, I get a little excited. I wish I was one of those deaths on the news, shoot I’d love to take someones place, they want to be here more than me. I’ll never actually kill myself even if its just for the sake of others who need me, but I can’t stop wishing that someone else would kill me. I’m done being here, I’m done dealing with the crap. I’m just burnt out and I don’t want to be here anymore.
Every night when I go to bed, I have a little pillow and assortment of blankets that I pretend is this girl I like. She would never like me in real life (in fact, she doesn’t), so I just play pretend. It’s inherently creepy but it’s what keeps me from being a total wreck all the time.
Last summer, when I was 16, I found out that I was pregnant. I come from an extremely conservative and Christian household, so I was too scared to tell my parents. They also didn’t know that I was dating my boyfriend of the time, because he is Hispanic. I decided to get an abortion, but didn’t have the money to fund it. My boyfriend had a job, but kept encouraging me to keep the baby. I tried and tried to gather the $300-600 necessary for it, but it was so hard. I ended up having to order RU486 (the abortion pill) from a sketchy website online with my own money, because I was so scared and desperate. I ended up getting really sick from it and had to explain everything to my mom on the way to the hospital. Since I hadn’t gone to the doctor before, I wasn’t aware of how far along I was. I was over 6 months pregnant, and had hid it from everyone in my life, other than my boyfriend. I hadn’t imagined the emotional side effects, or what would happen afterwards. I ended up giving birth to a baby much bigger than I could have even imagined, and he suffocated to death almost immediately. As if the shock of this wasn’t enough, the doctor called the police and I got investigated by a homicide detective. I hated myself to the core and still do a few months later. The thing is, that no one would expect this from me. At all. People think of me as such a “goody two shoes” and I was recently voted “class clown.” No one could imagine that I had an illegal, late-term abortion at 3 in the morning. No one could even tell that I was 6 months pregnant, because I only gained 6 or 7 pounds. No one would imagine that I’m being investigated by the homicide detectives or that I fight off thoughts of suicide daily.
I was falsely accused of raping a girl in high school. The resulting ostracizing was very scarring, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I outran the stigma when I left the state for college. If it ever catches up to me like it was in high school, I’d probably become suicidal. How many times can you endure people telling you that you’re a monster before you believe them?
When I was about 12 I went with some family to the family dollar. My mother and cousins went off to go look at generic groceries so I decided I would just spend my time hanging out in the toy aisle, in the toy aisle there would always be these bags of marbles that other kids would open and leave laying there so I decided to fling marbles across the floor and one just happened to reach one of the far off aisles. So about two minutes later I hear a loud crash and someone scream “Somebody help this man!”. Being the curious child I was, I ran over to see what the commotion was about and I find everyone gathered around this guy who had seem to have fallen from the ladder as he was getting something off the top shelf. The guy is seizing out and blood is coming from his head as he laid there and his face seemed to be turning blue. My mother whisked me and my cousins away and we left. Next time we went we talked to the front cashier and she said that they called the paramedics but by the time they got there he had died from choking. Apparently when he had the seizure he was choking on his own tongue. The cause for the fall according to the front cashier was that he had put the ladder on a marble and didn’t check it before he got on it. When I heard what the cashier said I just stood in disbelief thinking I was going to jail, I tried telling my mother many times but all she did was say that I imagined it.