I have herpes.
I know that doesn’t sound like anything particularly horrible after these devastating tales of incest, rape and other sad/terrible/morally ambiguous situations, but I feel like it has ruined my life. I feel trapped, like I will never find someone who could actually like me enough to see past it.
No one knows. No one would even suspect. I’m quiet and nerdy, keep to myself, keep my nose clean, etc. But I am naive when it comes to guys. Or I was. A boyfriend in college didn’t tell me and gave it to me… and then cut off contact when I “realized”. I had only lost my virginity a year before that.
I know it seems like nothing in comparison. I knows some would even find it funny. But you have no idea what it’s done to me. It’s destroyed me. I’ve considered suicide, its only been this past year where I don’t want to walk to a nearby bridge and jump. I feel just… wasted.
Even if you’re shy, you still at least have a chance with your crush or someone you like. With this, all my chances have dropped to zero. If you like someone, think about it… would you still like them, want to date them, if they had herpes?
I have terrible credit. I have debts from 10 years ago that I never paid off. My wife doesn’t know.
My brother committed suicide in 1994, shortly thereafter I intercepted a letter to my parents from his girlfriend. She was pregnant and wanted them to know and asked if they wanted to be in the babies life. I burned the letter and have never told them. She never contacted them again and I did so many drugs that I buried that secret deep in my subconscious.
I’m white and my wife is half black. I fantasize that she’s my slave when we have sex. She thinks I’m the least racist person she’s ever known.