Why I Chose To Stay

Felix Russell-Saw

It’s okay.

A lie I have to tell him cause I don’t want to fight. I don’t want any discussion cause I’m tired. Tired of not having an opinion, of not being consulted. Even if I was, it wouldn’t matter cause I was never in control. I was just being asked for the sake of it. All I can do is go with the flow and watch while the current takes me to wherever. I am like a leaf being blown by the wind. I was lost. There are days when I just dont want to wake up cause I don’t want to face the reality that we are nowhere near where we ought to be. The fact that we are in the lowest point of our lives and this isn’t what we dreamed of. Then add a sudden realization of knowing that we are way further than we thought we are isn’t the mix I’d want to indulge to.

I understand.

That’s all I can do. It’s like my voice was taken from me and now I am shushed by the decisions that I never made cause it was already made for me. All I needed to do was trust and hope for the best, or the worst. I don’t really get it but I have to say that I do, not to lie to you but to make it easier for you. I have so much going on in my head but I chose to be silent. You told me one time that you feel like you can no longer talk to me like you used to which hurts everytime it crosses my mind yet I can’t help thinking that may be it was true. Have I really changed ? May be because I would let the emotions work its way than be rational and do what’s right and with that I am sorry. I can be selfish at times. I would often forget that you’re human too and you feel weak too. That sometimes you need to be understood and that you also need guidance cause sometimes you just don’t know which way to go.

I’m fine.

Well, I’m not but I have to. I want to be strong for us, I’m trying to. I know things are hard for you too, no, it’s harder for you and you are doing your damn best to keep things working for us. Despite all the tragedies, misfortunes and all the fuck ups, you are trying. And I am too, but it’s getting harder to pretend everyday. I keep telling myself that the sun will soon shine but that’s really difficult when all you see are thick layers of clouds. Finding hope isn’t a piece of cake. The reality is just way too bitter that sweetness just doesn’t exist. Honestly, at times I’d tell myself that it would be best if we part ways. What if being separated gives more space to be productive ? What if we can make both our lives better without each other ? What if it’s a lot easier ? What if we’re just trying too hard ? What if this isn’t our time ? All the never ending “what if”s. What haunts me is the idea of risking everything you got and you try your damn luck and turns out winning was never an option.

But despite everything, I will be here.

A promise that I wish to keep. I gave my word that I will stay by you whatever life gives us and my love, I will keep that. I sometimes forget that if it’s difficult for me then it’s more for you. Cause you are held responsible because that’s the standard that the society has established. I know there are times that I’m weak and grow weary and just lose all the faith I have, but I will be here. I will hold your hand and stand beside you. We will fight, that’s for sure. We won’t meet halfway and won’t even compromise. We will be hopeless and lost and have nothing else to do but to let the wind drive our sails on God knows where. But never ever forget that wherever everything leads us, I will never give up on what we have. I told you I won’t be like the others who left when the tides were high and that I will do. Every time I feel like giving up, some things just stops me at my tracks. It’s knowing that if I let us go I will never be able to see how your beautiful brown eyes dilate every time you look at me and how it seems that I’m the only one you see; That I won’t get to fall over and over your sweet and welcoming smile; That I won’t hear your voice anymore when you tell me the silliest jokes and your random thoughts; That I can no longer hold your warm hands that are ever so ready to hold my hands and my nose when I’m cold; That it’ll be the last time I’d hug you and be in the safest place in the world; Or that I will never get to feel your lips again when you kiss me to get my attention on times when I just completely ignore you and if you just feel like kissing me.

You. Are. Worth. It. TC mark

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