In the interest of…scientific experimentation…I hit the popular dating app Tinder to see how many frogs you have to kiss before you find your prince. In the midst of the generic “Hey there gorgeous” and “What u up 2” lines—which, while uninspired, may do the trick—I received the following pick-ups which will never work. Gentlemen, take note.
1. “If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple.” Also, “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber.”
These are the main ingredients in a “cheeser” salad.
2. “Sweet baby Jesus you’re stunning! Tell your parents good job.”
They already know.
3. “Is your daddy a thief? Cause it looks like he stole all the stars in the sky to put in your eyes.”
Yup. AND IT BURNS. MY EYES ARE ON FIRE.
4. “Is your father a meat burglar? Because it looks like someone stole two fine hams and stuffed them down the back of your dress.”
Apparently, criminal fathers are a recurring theme on Tinder.
5. “Darlin’, you look finer than a new set of snow tires.”
Thanks, I work out.
6. “Can I follow you home? My parents always told me to follow my dreams.”
And yet you haven’t become the first rock star cowboy in space? Shocking.
7. “Nice pants. Do you have room for me in there?”
In my skintight skinny jeans? Yeah, I have plenty of room. And I’m not impressed.
8. “I’d rather play with your tits than play 18 holes of golf, what do you think about that?”
I think if you keep this up, I’d rather hit some balls.
9. “Do you food-color your hamburgers? Cuz I’m dyeing to meat you.”
Nope, I’ve actually just turned vegan.
10. “What’s your species, Cutueus Extremus?”
Actually, “cutueus” is my genus.