5 Things Men Are Doing Wrong On Dating Sites

1. Posting pictures of you with your dog/cat/baby expecting them to up the cuteness factor

This is the most transparent thing you can do. If you’re trying to lure girls in with the promise of a cute animal, it’s not going to work. If we wanted to play with dogs, we’d go down to the local animal shelter.

2. Posting wedding photos

Yeah, we know. The girl in the white dress isn’t your wife. She’s your friend/sister/cousin/neighbor’s aunt’s secretary. Maybe you’re single and maybe you’re a cheating bastard. Either way, we’re passing.

3. Being a prick.

Consider the following exchange:

Horny Prick: Guuuuurl. There’s only going to be 8 planets after I destroy your anus.

Me: Pluto hasn’t been a planet for nearly a decade. There are only 8 planets in the solar system.

Horny Prick: This is why you’re single. I don’t even know you and you annoy me.

What a tragic loss, I’m sure.

4. Sending multiple messages and being indignant at the lack of a response.

Do not follow up your “Hey sexy” with a “Hello?” and then a “Are you there?” and then a series of assorted punctuation: “????????” “……………’ “?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

Maybe we’re busy. Maybe you’re creepy. MAYBE WE’RE PLAYING HARD TO GET.

5. Starting the conversation by announcing your fetish

Unless you’re on a website designed for hookups, asking “Can you sit on my face?” before saying hello is probably going to get you nowhere.