Today I read a piece online that was a list of all the things a boy had ruined for a girl. The list included places, songs, and things that were now indelibly linked to him no matter how hard she tried. I was able to relate to it more than I would like to admit. Of course it got me thinking about you and what kind of a list I could make of the things that you have ruined for me. It has been nearly six months since I’ve really seen you (that night in August doesn’t count). I keep thinking that I’m over you and that I don’t care anymore, but then out of nowhere something reminds me that I still do.
As I tried to think of things that you have ruined for me, I realized that there aren’t many. Maybe it’s because of the kind of girl I am, the nice one who is “okay” with everything, but to me you actually made most things better. There are places, songs, and things that because of you have deeper meaning. I’m not saying that it doesn’t hurt to hear those songs, watch that show, or be in those places. It does, but the truly happy memories they are connected with bring a smile to my face even if it is a little bittersweet.
Some things you added to:
The Panic! At the Disco album Death of a Bachelor – I still listen to it and it’s even better because I will always remember singing along to those songs with you in the car one night. You had on a different CD, but changed it to this one because I didn’t know any of the songs on the other one.
Pitbull songs – Ironically because you hated them. I always laugh a little because I know exactly what you would say about them.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – you were the first person I have ever met who could get my references and quote the books back at me.
Music and TV shows from the 60s, 70s, and 80s – you always picked on me about my love for the classics. I love how you described me as having been born in the 90s but grew up in the 80s. With every song and episode, I guess I’m living that out.
There are many other things I could list, but these are at the top. There are only three things that you really truly ruined for me and then one that you sort of ruined for me.
Night’s out – this is the one you only kind of ruined. I have learned to be able to go out and have fun without you, but it’s not the same. I used to love going out because I got to spend time dancing with my best friends but mostly I started looking forward to them because it meant I would see you. As much as I loved the atmosphere and the dancing, it was better with you. It’s more fun to dance with someone. I miss having you to talk too and people watch with.
The Prestige – I watched this awesome film for the first time with you and your best friend. I have it now on DVD and it’s just sitting on the rack. I haven’t worked up the courage to watch it since you disappeared. If I watch it I’m afraid I might break. You see, the night we watch it sitting on the couch, shoulder’s brushing, and sipping Red’s Apple; the pieces fell into place. It was the night I stopped lying to myself about how I felt about you.
My favorite bar – I can’t go there and have a good time anymore. It was there that we danced the night away, just you and I until the bar closed down. It was the night I let you see how I really felt and I thought you felt the same.
“Rock Bottom” by Hailee Steinfeld – this is one that you have no idea about. I loved this song and would listen to it all the time while I was unconsciously falling for you. Once I felt like you and I were moving in the same direction, I felt that it was about us. With you I thought I had finally found “the right side of rock bottom”. Now that you’re gone, I can’t listen to it anymore. It feels like a lie too.
There you have it, the complete list of what you ruined and a few of the things you added too. I don’t regret falling for you even though I got a broken heart instead of a happy ending. I will always love all the things I shared with you because it was the first time I felt that with anyone. I am thankful for the depth of feeling that I now associate with things that were once mundane.
You may have ruined some things for me, but you can’t have everything. You see, I am still me and there are many things that I shared with you that are still mine.