This Is Me Saying Goodbye

Ieva Urenceva
Ieva Urenceva

Our story needs an ending. So here it is. This is me. Letting go. I don’t want to, but I should. I must. Holding on will not bring you back or change your mind. I’m letting you go because I love you. The oft quoted saying says that if you love something you should let it go and it if was meant to be, it will return.

It hurts to have to let go.

I was afraid to let go because the thought of losing these feelings scares me. It is scary to think that one day my heart won’t skip when I hear your name and that someday I won’t miss you with all of my heart. The way it hurts means it was real. I realized however that letting go doesn’t happen overnight. I should have remembered. I’ve had to do this once before. Letting go does not mean that I will forget or that I feel nothing whenever your name comes up. It just means that I can move forward and look back on the memories fondly.

I’ve decided to let you go.

I still wake up every morning and think of you. Now I tell myself you’re not coming back, that I’m free to daydream about someone tall, dark, and handsome. I still miss you throughout the day because I shared too much of me with you not to be reminded by the little things. I still miss you when I’m alone or when I am spending time with my married and dating friends, always the third wheel. I miss you when I lay down to sleep at night and wonder where you are. I miss you when I’m lonely and when I see pictures of the good times we had. I miss you when I’m missing the college life that so recently ended. And sometimes I just miss you for no particular reason at all.

You will never know that I liked you from the first night we met or that I fell in love with you…

Maybe it would be easier if I knew what went wrong, but we don’t talk any more. You stopped replying to my texts and I am done sending them. The silence is easier to bear when there isn’t an outgoing text you might reply too. Of course I still hope to see your name when my phone lights up or rings. I will always wonder if things would have been different if I had acknowledged my feelings for you rather than ignore them because of the tragic ending I feared might happen. If I had let you see how I felt sooner, would there be an ‘us’? If I was shorter, would you have stayed? Should I have said or done something differently? I may never know what happened. I still don’t really understand.

I would be lying if I did not admit to hoping that you will come back. I keep hoping this is just intermission, not the final scene. If you do come back, I would still like to try. We were on the verge of trying before, but we never took that leap. I still believe we could be something good and beautiful.

In time, the pain of losing you will fade and I’ll look back on you and smile because of the beautiful moments we had.

I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope you are happy. This is me saying goodbye. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Christine is a recent college graduate trying to find her place in the world.

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