I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard that time heals everything; sorry, but it doesn’t. Or what about how everything happens for a reason and you know God has a plan; sorry, but I don’t give a shit and that doesn’t make me feel any better. Or how about how it’s sad but only the good die young; honestly who even came up with this and how is that supposed to make me feel better at all? I have heard time after time that it will get easier and that I will begin to feel better.
With the loss of a loved one, people who you haven’t heard from in years will gather and tell you how sorry they are. They will think of any type of condolence they have and they will be sad for a time because the death of others, especially someone young, reminds us of our own mortality. You will have people that you barely know hug you for an uncomfortable and awkward amount of time (no, but really, when does it become acceptable to push someone off of you?)
There are so many things that you are told when you lose someone you love. People will ask and ask and ask if you’re okay. Sorry, but I thought it was obvious that I’m not. Constantly being asked if I need anything isn’t all that helpful either.
Not to be rude but unless you know how to resurrect the dead, then no there’s not much you can do for me right now.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the outpouring of love and support that I got. I appreciate the things that people did for me and said to me in order to try to help. So no, I’m not ungrateful but there are so many things that no one told me that I wish someone had warned me about.
Like how about that some days I will feel on top of the world and be so thankful and grateful that I get to experience literally anything because I have realized how easily like can be taken away from me. But the very next day I will feel guilty for experiencing things that my loved one will never get to do again and how the hell is that fair when they deserve to experience life so much more than me. Or how even though I have learned to move on and continue on in my life there will be days where I break down and cry and hate everything. But that this absolutely does not mean I’m not still making progressing in my healing journey. Or how some days it literally feels like my brain is playing a big joke on me and that this never happened and I think just for a second that I could call them and hear their voice again one more time. Or that I will slowly, but surely, forget their smile and the sound of their laugh and when I wake up one day and realize that it will be like losing them all over again.
So, yeah, maybe I did need to hear small condolences and I did need long, awkward hugs but I also wish that someone had told me the painful truths as well. I wish that someone had warned me that all the bad parts of beginning to heal aren’t abnormal and I’m not some overly sad freak with shitty thoughts. I wish someone had let me know that I am normal and this is normal and even though some days it doesn’t feel like it I’m going to make it through this, even if it’s just one day or one hour or one minute at a time.