I can’t give my all right now. As much as I’d like to pretend I’ve assembled the pieces of myself into who I was before, I just can’t.
I’ve made progress, sure, but the walls I tore down before have built back up again. Love is funny that way-it can open you up to unimaginable worlds of bliss, and, just as easily, to worlds of devastation. Right now, I’m in the middle. Everything is in disarray and there’s so much confusion wherever I turn, but I’m starting to look forward, rather than behind me all the time.
I’m the typical Virgo control freak, and when something ends I force myself to see the logic in why it went wrong and why it wouldn’t have worked long-term anyways. But with you, it was never logical. I forgot my head and all rationality for once, because my heart finally stood up for itself and forced me to let my guard down.
Keeping busy all day every day definitely distracted me the majority of the time, until I came home to the confines of my room and was left alone with my thoughts, which somehow always came back to you. The harder I tried to rationalize, the more my heart fought back and made certain I wouldn’t forget.
They do say you can run, but you can’t hide, and this couldn’t be more true when it comes to heartbreak.
Time has been my worst enemy, and best friend simultaneously. In the moment, all time seems to do is dredge on, with what feels like little progress being made. But looking back, I see how much has changed. The memories fade a little more every day, and I’m finally facing reality-we weren’t meant to be. Sometimes soulmates aren’t forever, they’re just there to make an appearance and show you how magical life can really be. I can choose to hold on to what we had, but the more I do, the more I miss out on the now-the serendipitous moments awaiting me.
I had a great love. Rather than being resentful and hating how we ended up, I’m grateful I met you at all. Under the craziest of circumstances, no less. A lot of people will never find what we had, and maybe I’ll never find that again.
But for the first time in awhile, I have hope that I will.