First of all, this is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have altered the outcome of where you are today. There is really only one thing you could have done that would have made this easier and less painful, and it’s that you could have walked away sooner. But you didn’t, and it’s completely understandable why you didn’t.
In the beginning you were sold a version of a person that was not real, and because of this you held on and hoped things would go back to the way they were in the beginning. They had probably made you feel as though the ground you walked upon was sacred, showering you with constant affection and attention like no one ever had before. They made you promises that they would never break you the way you have already been broken in your past. They were enthused to meet and spend time with your family. They probably were quick to open up to you about their past, and even show you some of their scar tissue. They made it easy for you to trust them. They made it even easier for you to fall fast and fall hard. Most things that seem too good to be true usually are. Their intention was never to love you, but to take advantage of you. This does not speak to the person you are. You are a good person, and your goodness was simply preyed upon.
Right now, you’re probably feeling empty, alone, and disposable. It’s more than a struggle for you to just get through the motions of your day with your mind being the mess it is. Mentally, they beat you down to feeling as though you have nothing of value to offer the world. You don’t feel like yourself. You’re not acting like yourself. You’re seeking and accepting validation anywhere you can, because this makes you feel as though you aren’t all of the horrible things they have convinced you to believe you are. This is the hardest mindset to break, and the first thing you must accomplish in the process of allowing your wounds to mend.
One of the hardest things you are going to have to accept is that the person that they were before the name-calling, the ignoring, the blame, or any other emotionally abusive behavior began is not who they are and they will never live up to that expectation. They manipulated you into believing in this façade personality, because you would have never fallen for the true person they are internally. People guilty of emotional abuse need the constant validation and acceptance like you feel you need right now. This is because deep down they are suppressing their own demons. They lack the ability to accept responsibility and accountability for the things they have done or are unhappy with. Instead they blame their unhappiness and insecurities on the people around them as they have done to you.
Everything that went south in your relationship was “your fault”, you “weren’t trying hard enough”, you “chose other people ”, you “weren’t appreciative”…the list of all the things they blamed you for goes on and on.
Right now you’re probably constantly counting all of these things that they blamed you for, and wishing you had been different. Stop. They probably blamed you for these things when the other priorities in your life (i.e. work, school, friends, etc.) needed your attention, right? Clearly, this is not an attribute of a healthy relationship. Supportive partners will encourage you to grow and will not make you feel guilty for focusing on your growth. Emotional abusers are so good at what they do that they manipulated you into actually believing that by nurturing yourself you were being selfish and negligent towards them.
You weren’t being negligent or selfish. You were being human. You did the right thing. You needed to focus on yourself and your future too, which is something emotional abusers cannot accept. They need to constantly feel as though they are the only aspect of your life that you are devoted to, and when they see they aren’t they feel threatened and will put the guilt on you so that the attention falls back on them.
Whether or not the relationship ended on your terms or theirs you are most likely wishing to hear from them again. You’re constantly checking your phone with the hopes you have received the, “I miss you. I’m an idiot. You were the best thing to happen to me and I took you for granted” message. You aren’t going to receive this message from them, and if you do PLEASE know that it is NOT sincere and they are probably just not receiving validation from anywhere else in that moment and feeling sorry for their self.
After your relationship ended they most likely immediately sought out someone new, and this is probably making you sink even lower. This speaks nothing to the worth of you or the worth of their new partner. It just means they were successful at victimizing someone new, and will do the same to their new partner as they have done to you. They are incapable of feeling remorse for what they have done to you or anyone else.
This is a hard pill to swallow, but they aren’t missing you. They aren’t realizing the good they had. They were in love with the attention you gave them, and not you.
Stop wasting your time and energy thinking of them when they aren’t thinking of you. Stop stalking their social media accounts for a hint that they miss you and stop filling yours with depressing posts. They aren’t paying attention, and if they are it’s only serving their ego even more to see that you’re still hung up. Instead grab life by the horns and focus on moving on. Be happy that you’re no longer stuck in a relationship where you’re conditioned to feel as though you are not enough. You are so incredibly more than enough.
This is the time for you to take what you have been through and turn it into something positive. Embrace the hurt you’re feeling and allow it to serve you as motivation in becoming the best version of yourself. Most importantly do it for you and only you. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, including your ex abuser. Keep in mind that they will NEVER acquire the capacity to appreciate you for your goodness and potential. They will never be happy.
But your story doesn’t have to end like theirs will. You already know your abilities as a partner, and your radiance will eventually attract the person who will serve you right. Until then continue to grow and discover more about yourself.
Your past does not define your future.