I said over and over again, “I’m only doing this because it’s you.” I was unhappy in the decisions I had made to get to where I was, and decided this, and you, were what was going to change me. Imagining this incredible, obsessive, crazy, risk of a relationship and how we’d end up showing the world we made the right choice, even under the wrong circumstances.
I made decisions based on what I thought was going to help us, help you, help me. I already gave the other guy his chance, and he proved to not be up to the task. But you – we – were different, better.
Every time you gave me a glimmer of hope, it turned into my sun.
Every time you were blunt with your uneasiness, guilt, and uncertainty, I commended you and thought you were being realistic. Turns out the reality is much more than I could’ve imagined.
The reality is that I don’t need anyone to validate anything in my life. I don’t need to be taken care of, I don’t need to share in other’s moments of learning and trials. For the first time in 30 years, I needed myself more than anything. I need to prove to myself – that I am myself.
It is also a reality that you don’t live for yourself. You live for everyone else’s expectations and emotions. We worked because we connected so deeply on the ability you have to be true to yourself, but you don’t want to be that person. You’d rather keep making mistakes that reveal who you are and believing you’ll be forgiven. If that is what she does for you – gives you forgiveness—and that’s enough for you, then you’re with the right person. I can’t be that person when I’m on the other side, watching you be someone (I believe) you aren’t—that isn’t forgivable to me.
The greatest realization, though, is that I want someone.
I want someone who wants me, not needs me.
I want someone who I can support and love through their hard times. I want someone whose desire for me overrules logic. Someone who see the value in sitting in silence with me. Someone who wants to take care of me when I am unable to care for myself. Someone who believes so much in themselves, us, and me that there is no question what the right decision is.
In order to get that person, I need to get myself. Thank you for showing me the difference between being alone and lonely. I was lonely when I met you, and even lonelier when we were together. I am proudly learning how to be alone, strong, self-sufficient, and most of all, myself.