Nobody’s perfect. Even your immaculately dressed colleague with the well behaved hair, shining teeth and impeccable manicure has probably been shat on by a pigeon.
Whether you’re riding the happiness wave right now or your life is currently in the basin, let’s take a moment to share our pain–and have a laugh about it in the process.
Life has a funny habit of throwing us a curveball when we least expect. So, put your hands up for one moment and say, yes! I’ve also experienced some (if not all) of the 28 worst feelings ever. Here goes.
1. Sitting on a wet toilet seat
You always check. You’re positively anal about wiping down the seat before you sit. But for some reason, some law known only unto Murphy, the one time you plonk down your butt without thinking, it’s cold and wet… Gahhhh.
2. Sleeping through your alarm
There’s a split second just before that stabbing panic sets in and you start to hyperventilate. For one brief moment as you open your eyes from the deepest of slumbers, your day is going to be great. Then like a slap in the face, you realize it’s all going horribly wrong.
3. Leaving your cellphone at home
I know a few people who may find this harder to bear than unwittingly swapping bodily fluids with a stranger. ‘Fess up if you’d rather moisten your ass cheeks with fresh E coli than be caught out without your mobile!
4. Taking a sip of water and finding out it’s vodka
Perhaps the most vomit-inducing item on the list, especially the morning after the night before. Gross.
5. Locking yourself out
Of your house, car, office, or other of your regularly frequented places. Now you have to consider scaling over the back wall like Tom Cruise or forcing open a window with your nail-clipper.
6. Caught out of the house with no tampon
Exacerbated only by also not having access to a restroom, Kleenex, or change of pants.
7. Gaining weight on a diet
You’re feeling positively smug and virtuous after two days of gnawing on nothing more than a celery stick and downing 10 liters of water. It’s time to put your efforts to the test. You step up to the balance, look down and… F***! You gained two pounds.
8. Waving at someone in public and then realizing you don’t know who they are
Who hasn’t suddenly slid their waving hand over the back of their hair in a glaringly obvious bid to make it look like they were just fixing their bangs?
9. Getting locked in a public toilet
The shame, the panic, the five thousand and ten fears that race through your brain as the certainty that you’ll never, ever get out sets in.
10. Getting stuck in an elevator
Being locked in the John can only be topped by getting trapped in an elevator. Suspended up high, forgotten about by the rest of the world, no cellphone service, and the walls are closing in… worst feeling ever.
11. Getting stuck in traffic
In a taxi. With the meter running. And a driver with an overzealous interest in small talk.
12. Being the oldest person in the bar
Never happened to you? Don’t worry, it will. And it sucks.
13. Stepping on gum
There’s a spring in your step as you bound down the street on your way to a job interview when suddenly your foot stops accompanying you and you find yourself stuck to the pavement. Groan.
14. Stepping in dog poop
The only thing worse than stepping on gum is accidentally sliding into a pile of freshly secreted dog poop. It pays to be particularly vigilant about this in Europe, where the streets are like veritable minefields of canine faeces.
15. Being shat on by a pigeon
Even if you buy into the ridiculous theory that getting covered in bird excrement is good luck, there ain’t nothing that feels good about being the target of a flying rat, so stop kidding yourself.
16. Finding your first gray hair
This may trigger a sequence of events eventually leading to a midlife crisis or similar meltdown. Nothing prepares you for the first one. Trust me.
17. Getting to the front of the line as the cash desk closes
On par with getting stuck behind the old lady with the horn rimmed glasses and the fat wad of coupons in her purse.
18. Emphatically defending your opinion
And then finding out you were wrong. It’s not your fault. Someone should really tell the Australians that Sydney would make a better capital city.
19. Getting a bad rating from an Uber driver
Granted, you may be just a touch on the sensitive side if this is one of the worst feelings ever for you. But… What the actual hell? You were charming to that ungrateful SOB.
20. Losing your wallet
Maybe not as bad as losing your cellphone, but it’s a close call.
21. When the stylist cuts too much hair
You were so deeply engrossed in Harper’s Bazaar that you failed to notice the chainsaw massacre going on upstairs and now you look like a pixie. That will teach you to feed the gossip beast.
22. Your internet connection dies
Just as you’re about to finish the latest episode of Homeland on Netflix. Noooo!
23. Waking up on Saturday
And then realizing it’s actually Tuesday. No words.
24. Finding a hair in your food
You love this restaurant. Your plate looks amazing. You’re about to take a bite when… is that black, wiry thing what you think it is? Ewwwww.
25. Getting your underpants wedged in your ass crack
No matter how many times you discretely yank them out, they just keep on riding back up there. Serious buzz killer.
26. Sweat patches under your arms
When you’re on a date, in an interview, or at a party. The more you panic, the wider the pools of sweat. Awful. So I’m told.
27. Getting caught out talking about someone behind their back
As much as you plead with the Gods, the ground just refuses to open up and swallow you whole.
28. Getting caught having sex by your parents
Topped only by getting caught having sex by your partner’s parents. Kill me now.