When The Only Toxic Person In Your Life Is You

Twenty 20 bubblegumwhore
Twenty 20 bubblegumwhore

I understand what it feels like to be completely annihilated by love; I have seen how selfishness, jealousy and insecurity can turn my closest friends into my biggest enemies.  I still remember crumbling to the floor after discovering that I’d lost the man I loved, and my home- at the hands of my best friend, over a simple misunderstanding. I haven’t really recovered much since.  I do not trust a soul.

This is where my problem lies: I’ve nearly glorified that day, reflecting on it as if it were a dream, due to my disbelief and shock.  Have you ever had a traumatically emotional event happen, only internalize it in the most unnatural way? It’s more than forgiving these assholes – I’m talking about punishing yourself daily, and allowing their actions to dictate your behavior and self-worth.

This is my problem, you see. There are no more toxic people in my life, because my very presence emanates toxicity and isolation.

Here are THREE toxic attributes that I’ve recognized within myself, and perhaps I’m not alone:

1. Depression and anxiety.

This is a given, however it’s changed from my typical I-hate-my-twenties-somebody-save-me woes that I normally groan about. It’s manifested socially, which I am so not used to. An extrovert, Aries, ENFP- however you want to classify me, avoiding social events has never been my means to cope. Quite the opposite, actually. However, I knew something was off in my brain when I began going home and just… staying in my room. That isn’t normal. I literally lost all desire to make new acquaintances or even worse- meet new men. What’s the point? Seriously, this has been my mantra, and I’m scared to death of it.

2. Repeating the same mistakes.

How many exes can I call in one night after heavy drinking? A lot, apparently. This goes with toxic friends who I cut out for some pretty legit reasoning. I find that I am subconsciously living in the past, and glorifying it- people included. I allow the roots of my pain back into my life, willingly, and cry myself to sleep when they disappoint me. Is it guilt that consumes me? Do I feel that I am inherently bad, therefore I need to win their praises and approval to overcome what has happened? This is where I am toxic to myself, as I continuously set myself up for failure.

3. Not allowing myself to feel, or heal. 

I am in the midst of this process. I have abused my prescription meds to stay afloat, and have relied heavily on wine to cope during the quiet winter nights. When I take a break, I sleep for two days straight, and cut out my family and friends. The silence of being alone is all I can bear. I run from my feelings, and keep myself busy with work and obligations, rather than sitting and allowing myself to simply be. I am afraid of what will follow, and even worse- I am petrified that I may not make it back in one piece. I cannot grieve my losses emotionally, because I simply do not trust myself to feel them. I am constantly chasing the daylight while the cloud of darkness grows stronger and stronger above my head. Eventually, this cloud will absorb me, and I need to be prepared for it. This is where I am now, and I am wondering if anyone else feels the same way?

I’m so incredibly tired of blaming these hurtful people for my unhappiness and allowing them any sort of relevance. I have finally realized that it’s not always the toxic people in our lives that ruin us, it’s ourselves. I’m finally ready to move on and hold myself accountable- are you? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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