I understand what it feels like to be completely annihilated by love; I have seen how selfishness, jealousy and insecurity can turn my closest friends into my biggest enemies. I still remember crumbling to the floor after discovering that I’d lost the man I loved, and my home- at the hands of my best friend, over a simple misunderstanding. I haven’t really recovered much since. I do not trust a soul.
This is where my problem lies: I’ve nearly glorified that day, reflecting on it as if it were a dream, due to my disbelief and shock. Have you ever had a traumatically emotional event happen, only internalize it in the most unnatural way? It’s more than forgiving these assholes – I’m talking about punishing yourself daily, and allowing their actions to dictate your behavior and self-worth.
Here are THREE toxic attributes that I’ve recognized within myself, and perhaps I’m not alone:
1. Depression and anxiety.
This is a given, however it’s changed from my typical I-hate-my-twenties-somebody-save-me woes that I normally groan about. It’s manifested socially, which I am so not used to. An extrovert, Aries, ENFP- however you want to classify me, avoiding social events has never been my means to cope. Quite the opposite, actually. However, I knew something was off in my brain when I began going home and just… staying in my room. That isn’t normal. I literally lost all desire to make new acquaintances or even worse- meet new men. What’s the point? Seriously, this has been my mantra, and I’m scared to death of it.
2. Repeating the same mistakes.
How many exes can I call in one night after heavy drinking? A lot, apparently. This goes with toxic friends who I cut out for some pretty legit reasoning. I find that I am subconsciously living in the past, and glorifying it- people included. I allow the roots of my pain back into my life, willingly, and cry myself to sleep when they disappoint me. Is it guilt that consumes me? Do I feel that I am inherently bad, therefore I need to win their praises and approval to overcome what has happened? This is where I am toxic to myself, as I continuously set myself up for failure.
3. Not allowing myself to feel, or heal.
I am in the midst of this process. I have abused my prescription meds to stay afloat, and have relied heavily on wine to cope during the quiet winter nights. When I take a break, I sleep for two days straight, and cut out my family and friends. The silence of being alone is all I can bear. I run from my feelings, and keep myself busy with work and obligations, rather than sitting and allowing myself to simply be. I am afraid of what will follow, and even worse- I am petrified that I may not make it back in one piece. I cannot grieve my losses emotionally, because I simply do not trust myself to feel them. I am constantly chasing the daylight while the cloud of darkness grows stronger and stronger above my head. Eventually, this cloud will absorb me, and I need to be prepared for it. This is where I am now, and I am wondering if anyone else feels the same way?
I’m so incredibly tired of blaming these hurtful people for my unhappiness and allowing them any sort of relevance. I have finally realized that it’s not always the toxic people in our lives that ruin us, it’s ourselves. I’m finally ready to move on and hold myself accountable- are you?