You only realize you run when it’s too late. The crazy thing about this feeling is how quickly it drops from your heart to your stomach; what’s crazier is how you don’t even flinch. The emotional and physical effects of this loss could easily cripple an innocent, unaffected young woman. But not you.
You accept the loss as another personal defeat that you deserved, because you are unworthy. You stifle the stinging tears that desperately try to escape, and expertly swallow cries that are suffocating your lungs and throat. Sometimes, this annoying feeling can be too intense to ignore while you work. Knowing this, you hide in an isolated bathroom for a brief release. You still haven’t decided what makes you cry harder: another failed relationship, or the pain and emptiness your reflection displays in the mirror.
It all could’ve been prevented, and you know this. Are you running because you think you deserve better? Are you settling? Are these amazing feelings a sign that you’re moving too fast? You ask yourself these questions, and choose to answer “yes”. You now have a reason to run; you now have the right to disappear.
Let’s rewind to the moment you realized you were afraid to lose this person. Let’s honestly talk about when you subconsciously decided to leave this person first, because your entire life has been full of fleeting love. Was it when he called when he said he would? Was it when he held you the entire night, and you never felt so at peace? Maybe it was the way you thought about him endlessly, only to have his thoughts reciprocated? So much goodness, so much promise, so much happiness… to lose.
How stupid you can be. How silly and delirious you are to believe that such a wonderful man could ever love someone as damaged and complex as you. He’s going to find out that you’re flawed. He will realize that you have nothing to offer him long term. You, are nothing.
The easiest escape is often the most extreme: isolation. Confined in your apartment, you feel safe boxed in as you watch your phone illuminate from his texts and calls. You cease all contact. Eventually, the calls diminish, and you are left to vindicate yourself because he gives up. Good for you, you think, as you escaped another man just waiting to leave you. How easy this is.
In an effort to repair yourself, you create unachievable goals to work toward. You convince yourself that you aren’t ready for love, since you still have so much to accomplish. Pursue these goals constantly. Push yourself harder, and never stop running. It’s the only way you’ll deter anyone from seeing who you truly are.
At the end of the day, it’s hard to decide what’s worse: facing your thoughts and decisions alone, or reminding yourself that this running emptiness is your fate.
Tomorrow, you think. Tomorrow I may just start walking instead of running.