When things get a little complicated, the easiest answer is to run. When someone starts to get to close, and my guard gets up a little too high, the go to answer is to distance myself as far away as possible. The second someone starts to give me mixed signals, it’s easier to walk away than to take the chance of getting hurt or let down.
It’s been an easy excuse. I’ve been hurt before, badly. I’ve been broken beyond belief to the point that I put my guard up high enough to make myself believe that maybe I really never should love again. I made myself believe that I was not worthy of a healthy relationship and therefore I should just avoid them at all costs. I convinced myself that this is something that I didn’t need, and maybe even something that I didn’t want.
It’s been easier this way. It’s been easy to keep my guard up and let me be the one to let people down and push them away before they get too close. It’s been easier to be the heartbreaker than to ever think about going through the pain of getting hurt again. It’s been easy to play the game, in the way that so many people had played it with me before.
But just because this is easy, that doesn’t mean this is what I want.
Maybe I don’t want it to be easy. Maybe I don’t want to play it safe and keep my guard up. Maybe this is just a cover up to protect what I am really trying to hide.
I want your love to make me want to stay. I want your love to make me stop running. I want your love to make me forget about all of my insecurities and walls and be able to bring them all down for you. I want you to be what changes my mind. I want you to remind me how much there is to love, about love.
I want you to give me reason to stay. I want you to fight for me and take the time to get to know me. I want you to uncover every complicated layer that makes up who I am. I want you to learn what makes me laugh, what makes me cry and most importantly what makes me smile.
I want you to take the time. For once, I want someone to make the effort to break down my walls and fight for me to stay. It’s easy to leave when things get hard, but what I need is someone who is willing to stick it out for the long haul and help me get through this, to make me want to do this. I want you to be patient, to be kind and to show me why I am ready to do this.
I want your love to make me want to stay.
I want your love to make me stop running.