The rollercoaster of loving and losing someone that is toxic for you is draining. It sucks the life out of you, shakes you to your core and leaves you there completely bare, gasping for air. It leaves you with nothing. It leaves you lost, confused and wondering what you could have done wrong to deserve this. It leaves you angry that you could have ever been so weak to put up with these things for as long as you did.
It isn’t an easy road. Actually, it takes a lot longer than healing from a normal breakup. That’s one of the hardest things to accept. How is it that the person who didn’t even treat you well is the same person that you can’t move past and get out of your mind?
It’s frustrating. There are days you will barely be able to pull yourself out of bed. Right when you start to feel like you are healing again it hits you. It rips the blanket off and leaves you shaking, trying to get ahold of your thoughts and your sanity. It leaves you cold and numb, trying to figure out how you got here and if there is any way to get back to the person you used to be.
The fact is, you will never be the person you were again.
You’ve been through one hell of a ride and it has changed you. It broke you down and forced you to feel pain. You were forced to struggle and have to figure out how to live again.
The relationship was toxic. Not only was the person you dated but also, you. You continued to let someone burn you time and time again. With every time they hurt you, you took them back. You gave them another chance. It’s like you enjoyed the pain.
But you didn’t. You were just addicted. Like all toxic things, people too, are addicting. We get high off of the thrill. We thrive off of the chase. With every bit that they pull away, it drags us in even closer. It gets to the point you don’t even know how to live without it.
So once it ends you’re empty. You are left with a missing piece, a void you need to fill. So for a while, you fill it with other toxic habits. You may even find yourself drawn to more toxic people. But it’s all part of the process. It’s all part of the healing.
All you’ve known is toxicity for so long. Your life has revolved around fighting and breaking up and starting the cycle all over again. You don’t even know what a real and stable relationship consists of. You have no idea where to find it.
But time goes on and you realize it. You realize that what you and this person had was wrong. You realize that no matter how much love and happiness lived there, a healthy relationship doesn’t consist of screaming, fighting and walking out the door. A healthy relationship doesn’t involve inconsistency, maybes and sleepless nights left with unanswered questions.
A healthy relationship involves happiness. It involves compromise and productive conversations and talking things out before things blow out of proportion. Being in a healthy relationship means being in love and feeling it back in return. It doesn’t leave you wondering where things stand. It doesn’t leave you wondering when they are going to walk out the door again.
A healthy relationship is mutual. It deserves. It’s the only thing you’ll ever settle for again.