I Never Actually Met You, But I Know That I Loved You

When we first met, I did not expect anything. We talked through messages despite knowing we’re a hundred miles away. You made yourself sound like you were this typical nice guy even though deep down, I knew you were the opposite of that; and I still choose continue to leave messages to you. There was this part of me that had hope that you would change because maybe I had this savior complex inside me. I told my friends about you and they told me to forget and stay away because you were letting me fade away. But being my naive self, I ignored what they told me and choose believe you.

Then you slowly changed. There came a point in our conversation where you started to show your true colors. You were telling me to do these things that you knew I would never do. At first, I thought it was over. I thought you’d be done asking me. I thought that what you asked was a one-time thing.

You didn’t stop. You tried bringing it up and I kept denying it. I thought you’d leave after that because I didn’t satisfy you, but surprisingly you stayed because you said I was the nicest girl you’ve met in a while — and for a moment there I believed you. For a moment there, I fell for you. Not once in my life have a guy said that to me and I guess it’s also a reason why it’s hard to let you go.

One day, I found out that you were with someone else this whole time. You lied to me. I was furious for various reasons but mainly, I was mad at you for lying to me. I was mad that you had the guts to do that to your girlfriend. I was mad that you told me those words that meant so much to me even though I knew they were just lies. But most of all, I was mad at myself for falling for that.

For some point, I ignored the fact that you were with someone else. And I hate myself for wishing that you would break up with her for me. I was so selfish to think of that. I tried to play it cool even if I was really hurt. We had so much in common and I just couldn’t believe I met someone like you. I continued to fall for you despite your flaws and it saddens me because I know that you’ll never feel the same way.

I hate Mondays but this particular Monday meant so much to me. It was on this Monday when you sent me a message that will forever haunt me in a good way. You were telling me how you really like me and didn’t want the other girls. I know your exact words by heart. I’ve memorized them and it’s printed in my heart. I was very overwhelmed by what you said because you were the first guy who has said that to me.

Honestly, the worst part of this whole fucked up situation is that there is this huge possibility that I am the only one who cares. It’s a one-sided love. It always has been. I think about you all day, thinking about what you might be doing or how you’re day went. There was always this part of me that had always hoped that you were thinking about me too and I hate it. I know you probably don’t give a shit about me the way I do for you. I bet you don’t even remember my name, you just pretend to.

I know it’s silly and very naive of me to fall for someone I have never met, for someone who is in love with someone else. I know that I should just back off and forget about you. I am just saving myself for when the day comes when you forget about me too. Because I know I will never be your first choice and maybe, I never was.