Being a gentleman in the 21st century, I will come forward and admit that I have found myself on various dating apps trying to satisfy my current need. Whether I am looking for a short term fling, searching for a loving relationship, finding an escort (JOKE!), or even digging for friendship, I have came across some of the most interesting women on Earth. More often than not, I have found myself in some drastically awkward and uncomfortable situations. Like perhaps finding out that I was not my dating partners only one, discovering myself as the rebound, or having to ditch my dating partner because her true colors were revealed. In once incident, I even came to believe that my dating partner wasn’t fit enough to be a productive member in our society and turned out to be an overly possessive borderline psycho who escaped security at the local hospitals 51/50. The stories to end differently, but in some cases turned out to be a déjà vu type situation. These aren’t the only types of women that I have encountered via online dating mentioned below, but these are the ones that left their mark on me. Some of these stories may seem farfetched and unrealistic, but I assure the reader that they are in fact true encounters. Grab your popcorn, refill your choice of beverage, and enjoy!
1. The Player
The player is the woman that made the hairs on the back of my neck rise erectly as I began to glance through her dating profile. I found myself reading her profile multiple times, glancing through her photoshopped pictures, and fantasizing about how I could paint a crystal clear mental image of myself by her side. If you believe in sayings, the one that fits perfectly with this scenario is “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is”. I became skeptical the longer that I stayed lurking on her dating profile. I always end up initiating the harmless, flirty, first message that escalated into something greater. During the courtship phase of dating, I always find myself making the repetitive mistake of always trying to become an official couple too early which freaks out the women I am trying to impress. I attempt to label whatever me and my new partner have going on which makes me look like a possessive fool. She had such an easy, go with the flow type mentality that I would usually get shut down with a “let’s take it easy”, response when attempting to talk to this type of girl. More times than not, it is later revealed through various ways that she didn’t want to make the small commitment due to her already dating multiple guys at once and not wanting to lose what she has built up. That simply, isn’t my cup of tea.
2. The Married One
Almost like she stemmed off of the player in many ways, the married one put me through some awkward, life threatening situations that would make some people crack. All seemed to be going great at first with an awesome first date, communicating efficiently, and just hitting it off smoothly. But somehow her stories always seem to be outlandish and I trusted my guy level feeling that something wasn’t right. Her fairy tale stories began to fall apart by using some FBI interrogation techniques and catching her in her web of lies. The times that she missed my calls at 7:30 PM due to falling asleep early, the times that she “forgot” to text me throughout the day, and the times that she would go missing in action for a few days then magically appear like a rabbit in a magicians hat didn’t add up in my books. For some reason, perhaps I was lusting over this woman; I couldn’t call an end to the dealio. One night, it took a furious husband calling my cellular device at 2:27 AM, threatening me to stay away from his wife to conclude that my suspicion was right on point. I honestly developed sorrow for the guy that married that woman. When I work my ninth step in the step work, I may need to contact the poor fellow and make my direct amends. I’m not completely sure how that worked out for them, but I wish them the best.
3. The Divorced One
I once had a manager who was an older gentleman who always claimed to have stood outside the courtrooms and prey on recently divorced women so he could have his fun with them. After asking him the method behind his madness, he claimed that “freshly divorced twat”, are always hot and horny and anticipating for action. I’ll safely make a statement and conclude that I only took half his advice and went out a few times with a freshly divorced woman. Although the love making was stellar, seeing a future with her was rather foggy and we agreed to part ways.
4. The Recently Single One
The recently single one always seemed to be the most vulnerable out of the bunch by blasting her Taylor Swift break up songs in her car while heading to the gym because she had just gotten out of a long term relationship with her high school sweetheart. Being Captain Save-A-Hoe, I always felt like I was swooping down from the sky with my cape, an S on my chest, and only my draws on and also attempting to save a miserable damsel in distress. Dating this type of woman may develop some difficultly down the road due to the fact that she has some type of baggage lurking around in her life from her previous relationship(s). Whether it is a crazy ex-boyfriend convincing her that they should work something out, her manic depression episodes from the break up, or not wanting to give you a solid chance, problems seem to surface. These types of women are always fun to date at first, but I tend to catch them occasionally starting their sentences with “My ex and I use to,” and after awhile, I caught myself beginning to zone out by default once I would hear those chalking board scratching words. After what felt like a scene from Charlie Brown, I realized I didn’t comprehend a damn word they said about her and her ex and would respond with, “I’m sorry”. I would assume that I would be nothing greater then a rebound with this type of woman, which is alright depending on my current need at the moment.
5. The Clingy One
The clingy one was also another fun dating experience I enjoyed the first couple of rounds of dating. She described herself as a “hopeless romance”, and I sure as shit found out why the hard way why she couldn’t find a decent guy. After skimming through her online dating profile, I pounced like a tiger on the opportunity to take her out. All went well at first, until I found myself somehow spending every waking moment next to her side. I believe that spending quality time with the person you’re dating is crucial for the relationship, but there is a fine line that must not be crossed. Spending more than twelve hours a day, for weeks is crossing the line in my books. After waking up to a few good morning messages and a few messages asking “What are WE going to do today”, I had to draw the line and bail on the situation. I give her some credit though, as she never showed up empty handed. She sure knew how to treat a man in the sense that she always brought me a large white mocha blended from Dutch Brothers Coffee (the best coffee shop ever), when she would show up. She was a fine dime and it probably would have worked out, if she wasn’t smothering me and this man needed some space in order to maintain his sanity.
6. The Psycho
The psycho one. Sigh. I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw her on a crime documentary due to being found guilty of murdering her partner because she “thought” he was cheating. I have encountered this type of woman very limited times by luck, and after looking at the similarities besides their qualities I’ve noticed that they happened to be either a Cancer or a Scorpio. All went well on the first couple of innocent dates, so future plans naturally proceeded. After awhile I began to sense a paranoia emerging from within this type of ongoing dater. Her paranoid questions about my whereabouts, asking about the girl who liked my social media status, and other whacky stalkerish questions began to consume me. It would be an unpleasant day if I was out with her and I casually asked the waitress serving us how her day was going. All hell would break loose, and her possessive nature would kick in by asking if I thought the waitress was prettier than her. Immature arguments would escalate out of control like wildfire, and her early signs of being overly possessive indicated to bail out at all deliberate speed. In one incident after staying the night at her apartment after a nice date night out, I woke up to a cold stare and vicious vibe in the air. Before I had the opportunity to ask if she was alright, she asked why I didn’t tell her I was going out with a female friend to study earlier that week. I was baffled how she found out and didn’t get the change to explain my actions. Her response was to change my pass code on my phone to something other than my birth year, as it was too easy to crack.
7. The One Night Stand
I’m not sure as this qualifies as a one night stand, but I do assure that all communication was lost after the initial hook up. I thought I was a true casa nova with this one, as I felt like she was begging, and dripping wet to meet me in person. I quickly scored her number with minimal effort and she agreed to meet up as soon as possible. I thought I should at least attempt to take her out to a descent dinner but she begged to differ by offering to “hang out” in her apartment for some cocktails. Needless to say, there weren’t any “tails” that night, just a long hard night. Once I woke up in her bed, the worse part of the situation was saying goodbye. We ended up giving each other a half ass goodbye kiss, and we told each other that we will text later that day. The texting never occurred; and I suppose we both got what we truly intended. I should say that perhaps it was a win, win situation.
8. The Cougar One
I found myself hitting it off with this one rather quickly like I have with the other women. She was quite a sweet heart, but I couldn’t digest the reality that she was fifteen years older than me. I calculated the standard deviation, ran the numbers, did the math, and concluded that she could be my mother age wise if she had gotten pregnant at a young age. That thought in itself grossed me out and I felt the vomit in the back of my throat rising, so I had to call it quits. Perhaps if I had developed a different mindset, or would have been open-minded like how I was taught in the fellowship, we could have worked something out.
9. The Friendly One
With my intentions of finding a descent woman to build a relationship with, the friendly one has occurred more than once. After going out on multiple dates, we both concluded that we just weren’t cut out for each other. No feelings were hurt for both parties involved, but an ongoing friendship naturally occurred. When they usually text me, or I text them, there isn’t any awkwardness involved. I can casually grab a cup of coffee with any of them before class, and we both know that we are just simply friends. This is an awesome situation for both parties.
10. The Honest One
I came across this woman on a very popular dating site. I swiped right, she swiped right, and BAM! It was a perfect match. After browsing through her very short and simple profile, and glancing through her photoshopped photos, I immediately made the assumption that it was a fictitious profile. After sending a few messages back in forth, I realized that it wasn’t a robot or a scammer and I acquired her digits. It took only a few weeks for me to be certain that she was just a loving young lady that was looking for an honest man to casually date. The amount of bonding that occurred between us was stronger than a hydrogen bond, and we developed quite the relationship out of it. The honest one was hard to come by. I couldn’t have asked to be blessed any better. When we were both on a date, there wasn’t ever a dull moment. She was a great woman that any man would be lucky to have dated her. I will go ahead and go into detail and just throw out that it wasn’t just sex, we would make hot sweaty love, with the slow jams and cool whip, and not many people can say that. There is a difference. This is the type of woman that I could proudly bring home and show off to my family when the time permits. She was stunning, and I made myself heart vulnerable by expressing how I truly felt about her. Like a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, I showed her how much I truly loved her.