How The Scientific Method (Almost) Got Me Laid

via Flickr – Dennis Wilkinson

Who doesn’t enjoy getting laid? You’re truly a sick person if you don’t enjoy practicing reproduction in a safe manner. Most men adorn a warm, cozy, wet foxhole where he can penetrate his Johnson at full force after a long day on the job. Also, most women I can imagine would love a man or men to put their stiffy or stiffies inside their glorious cooter at the end of the day. Whatever floats your boat.

As I am sitting in my putrid biology class dreading lecture because it is a requirement, the words “Scientific Method” pops up on the overhead projector. After writing it down in my lecture notes alongside my drawings of stick figures I felt a shift in motivation. I felt like there was a true reason why I was put in the class. It was almost as if I was enlightened! An imaginary light bulb turned on in my head. Ding! I knew I was onto something, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It then hit me that I can somehow apply this slap dick science course to help me get laid. This is the reason WHY I’m in here. Because in all honestly, who is going to talk about the functions of the mitochondria over a drink. Knowing that I had a date in a few days, I thought of a strategy on how I was going to use this method to help me get some poonanny that weekend.

Now, I am not claiming that I invented the scientific method. Nor, am I trying to reinvent the wheel. I have applied this basic scientific method to help me get what every man wants after a successful date. The scientific method is composed of four to six different steps. This is how I altered the method slightly due to my circumstances. After jotting down my game plan on my white board, it was time to saddle up and head out with confidence knowing that I was going to going to get laid.

QUESTION: Does this girl want me to take her to Boner City? After proposing this question to myself it was crystal clear that was my main objective. I wanted my question to be fulfilled by the end of the night. It takes two to tangle, so I had to make sure that I played my cards right if I wanted a chance to succeed.

OBSERVATION: As my date and I chalk it up during our romantic dinner; I begin to stare at her with my lustful orbitals. I can see that she wore a low cut shirt exploiting her mammary. It was tough to maintain eye contact during that meal, due to the fact that it looked as if two sets of eyes were staring at me. I can see the smirk on her face indicating that she was totally digging me. My pants began to budge as I pondered in what possible positions am I going to dominate her. As I precisely observe her movements, I can see that she is constantly grooming her hair and matching my bodily movements. Which were all the green lights. She subconsciously wanted me to ravish her as she begins to laugh at my corny jokes. I caught her sending me lustful stares as she continues to munch down on her burger trying to look sexy. I began to prance on the idea that she better not eat too much of that burger, due to the fact that wouldn’t be the only piece of meat she would be having that night. My observation was almost complete. I knew she wanted me to give her a nice dose of Christian that night.

HYPOTHESIS: If things keep playing out well, then I’m going to invite her to my place then that would be a big indicator that I will achieve a home run. After dinner was all finished up, we decide to take a brief walk. I proceed to act like a law abiding gentlemen by opening the doors, looking both ways before we cross the street, and trying my best to swipe her off her feet. It was a little chilly outside as we took a casual stroll around the shopping mall in Fresno. She indicated that she was cold, so being the Casanova that I am; I put my arm around her with fantastic success. Her warm petite body was brushed up against mine almost perfectly. When the moment was right under the star filled sky, I granted her a peck on the lips. After sharing a few more intimate moments with each other, I politely asked her if she wanted to head over to my place to watch a flick. Hesitant at first, for her own sake of not looking like she does this often, she agreed to come over and watch a movie. My boy was defiantly at nine o’clock at that moment.

EXPERIMENT: Upon arriving at our destination, we immediately went to my room and decide to put on a movie on my computer. After playfully flirting, things began to quickly spark up like a wildfire. As she literally jumped on me, I couldn’t help but pin her down against my bed as I began to feel my testosterone levels spike. No bullshit, just straight to the point. As I am thinking of ways how I am going to make passionate love to her, she mumbles if I had a condom. I hesitate. SCIENTIFIC ERROR! I then realize that I was self defeating at that point. After breaking guy code, I realize that I made a horrific mistake by not checking to see if I had any more rubbers. Just an empty box sat alone in my drawer with nothing to show for. She refused to have sexual relations with me, and I felt as if the weight of the world was crushing down on me. To justify why I didn’t ask to penetrate like a caveman, I thought it was better to be safe and not risk possibly having my dong burning when I drain the main vein that following morning.

ANALYSIS: During the experiment phase, I concluded that I got ahead of myself and forgot what I learned in sexual education class. There was as error which I didn’t consider prior to working the method. That one piece to the puzzle made all the difference. No glove, no love. It was an error that could have been easily prevented.

CONCLUSION: After fooling around for a bit more, she claimed that she had to head back to her place because she had class the following morning. As she drove away, I sparked up a square and thought about how close I was to completing my mission. After feeling like a miserable piece of shit for not having a helmet for my solider, I did however settle for an old fashion high school handy. Overall, analyzing the situation as a whole, I’ve had worst nights. We can’t all be winners now can we? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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