Goofus and Gallant: Career Politicians

Goofus makes political promises to potential voters knowing full-well he will never follow up on said issues, because Goofus recognizes the most important fact in politics: a vote is a vote.

Gallant makes political promises to potential voters because he believes the voice of the people must be heard, which sets Gallant up for abject failure. Gallant promises too much and is forced to mollify dissatisfaction within his base by stating that “a certain level of gamesmanship must be played in Washington” and that “now is not the ideal political climate to tackle these issues.”

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Goofus receives a 750-page document justifying the invasion of a random Middle Eastern country he has never heard of, or visited. Goofus tosses the bill in the garbage, holds a press conference, and declares that, “after careful consideration, voting YES is the only option for the continued success of American democracy.”

Gallant receives a 750-page document justifying the invasion of a random Middle Eastern country he is vaguely aware of, but has never visited. Gallant hands the political tome to an unpaid intern and says, “Just give me the gist, kid.” The next morning, Gallant declares that, “after careful consideration, voting YES is the only option for the continued success of American democracy.”

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Goofus accepts bribes from lobbyists to endorse morally objectionable legislation that destroys the environment and creates new tax loopholes for gigantic corporations.

Gallant refuses bribes from lobbyists to endorse morally objectionable legislation that destroys the environment and creates new tax loopholes for gigantic corporations, but accepts an equal amount of campaign donation funds from the CEO’s of these very same corporations. Gallant sees nothing ethically objectionable about this double standard.

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Goofus claims the unemployed are lazy, Socialist, freeloaders who leech off hard-working American taxpayers, all while earning a bloated six-figure yearly income.

Gallant claims to empathize with the unemployed, asserting that he fully comprehends the struggle of the common man, all while earning a bloated six-figure yearly income.

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Goofus hates Gallant and everything for which he stands, so Goofus doubles down on flawed political principles and fights solely to prevent Gallant from getting his way. Goofus filibusters, openly slanders, and publicly scolds Gallant for being an “overly intellectual flip-flopper” as a means of making Gallant look like an asshole.

Gallant gazes at his reflection in the mirror and occasionally sees Goofus staring back, which terrifies Gallant. So Gallant doubles down on flawed political principles as a means of distancing himself from the opposing opinion and fights solely to prevent Goofus from getting his way. Gallant lambastes, condescends, and outright mocks Goofus for being an uneducated, ignorant, close-minded buffoon as a means of making Goofus look like an asshole.

_____

Goofus is ousted from political office after The New York Times publishes a detailed exposé of his brazen sexual indiscretions with young female staffers, interns, and reporters. Goofus blames a secret cocaine addiction for for his reprehensible behavior and vows to return to politics a better man after a brief stint in rehab.

Gallant publicly showcases the strength of his family values by supporting the personal endeavors of his wife and children. Gallant backs pro-family legislation and attends church every Sunday; that is, until Gallant is arrested at a truck stop for giving a hand job to an underage male prostitute. Gallant apologizes, resigns, and vows to return to politics a better man after a brief stint in rehab.

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Goofus refuses to admit that in the war between “Politics” and “The Good Of The People,” the people lost.

Gallant refuses to admit that in the war between “Politics” and “The Good Of The People,” the people lost. TC mark

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  • http://twitter.com/geology_rocks Haley F

    OH SNAP.

  • subwaysandwich

    True Story

  • Anonymous

    Hit the nail right on the head. Poor head.

  • Cole Armstrong

    When I read 1 through 4 I was picturing Barack Obama as Gallant. When I got to 5 I couldn’t do that anymore because Barack Obama has never doubled down on anything since taking office. #7 applies to Obama too. I just hope #6 doesn’t.

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