We’re entering into a new Golden Age of television. No longer is a television show a pointless, aimless waste of time. Some of the best writing, most compelling drama, and riveting cinematography are all now seen in weekly 30 or 60 minute series. Top movie stars have proven that they want to be a part of this new Golden Age as well, with Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey being the latest Oscar-nominated actors to sign on for series work.
What happened on this, or I can’t believe that happened, or Holy Shit! at that are popping up on Facebook, along with the obligatory “No spoilers, please.” What I find incredibly interesting is that I have no clue what any of these people are talking about. I don’t own a television and thusly, I don’t watch television. I cannot tell you the last time I watched what was “hip” or “cool.” As Abraham Simpson once said, “I used to be with it. And then they changed what it is. And now what I’m with isn’t it.”
With all that said, here are 7 of the biggest shows of the last decade that I have never seen and have no clue what they’re about. People talk about them and I nod blankly. They ask if I saw the latest episode and I meekly offer, “Uhhhh I have never seen it. But uhhhh I hear it’s great.”
1. Breaking Bad
Something about cancer and meth. And Malcolm’s dad. And apparently if there’s a problem we can call Saul. I hear it’s good. I wouldn’t know.
I know about Lena Dunham because she’s not the stereotypical leading lady. And that seems like a gimmick that will become a crutch over time. I have no clue what this show is about, other than non-leading-lady-like girls having sex. I’m all for that being on television; I just have no desire to watch it.
3. The Sopranos
I watched the opening theme when reading a Rolling Stone article online about the greatest opening theme songs on television. Does that count? The mob. Whacking. Surprises. Suspense. Why wouldn’t I like that?
I watched the Paul Rudd comedy “This Is 40” and the final episode of “Lost” is a plot point. So, I have seen what looks like a guy lounging on the beach with a dog. I watched a lot of commercials for the show when it was on the air. Looks suspenseful. Do they ever get rescued? From that moment I saw, I’m guessing that they don’t? Who knows. Oh yeah, everybody except me.
5. Walking Dead
After the unexpected success of “Shaun of the Dead,” zombies have been all the rage for the last decade. I know that there’s a governor. And, according to Facebook after an episode, he came back. From where or what? I guess we thought he was dead. A lot of people are dying on that show. And people are so surprised on social media. I’m not really into the zombie genre, so I don’t feel like I’m missing anything here.
6. Mad Men
I keep hearing the word “dapper” being used. Chain smoking and advertisements. The suits. The women and their dresses. And they’re taking over in the male-dominated society or something. Every time I watch women in a period piece, especially during a sex scene, all I can think about is how they probably don’t shave their vagina. Just seems weird to me.
7. The Wire
This has long been lauded as one of the smartest and most suspenseful television shows of all time. I think it’s set in Baltimore. I honestly have no clue what this show is about. Police officers? Detectives? Are they wearing wires? Con men? Is there a dirty cop and a cop infiltrating the mob trying to figure out who’s the rat? Or was that “The Departed”?