The Break Up

Opening Thoughts

It wasn’t easy to cut off communication completely. It was, actually, rather difficult. But in order to end this relationship entirely, it seemed the only way. But why the end the relationship, you ask? That is a fair question; you deserve an honest answer. I myself would want the same after a two-year relationship. After much needed time and space, I have attempted to explain the depth of the relationship through this visual presentation. Confusion has forced me to use logic, a tool normally absent from our verbal discussions.

Cross-Culture Conflicts

Relationships that transcend cultures are always difficult. You are a young Japanese woman and I am a young American man. Here are some general conflicts between these two cultures.

Japan’s differences

  • Lack of patience for American laziness
  • Lack of respect for ‘American intelligence’
  • Lack of tolerance for American hygiene
  • Lack of appreciation for American ‘goodness.’

America’s differences

  • Unwillingness to understand other cultures
  • Unwillingness to sacrifice individuality
  • Inability to understand strong accents
  • Lack of global perspective

I have always felt that our love would overpower any cultural differences that might have arisen in our relationship. They seem such trivial obstacles in the pursuit of loving and respecting another human being. Perhaps the love itself was under question. For so much time I thought I had found the ultimate teammate. Now I realize I had found the ultimate competitor.

Relationship Progression

More important than traumatic events that have shaped our relationship are the patterns of progression. I have separated these patterns into 3 categories; Love, Compatibility, and the most important of all, Sex. You will notice a similar rate of decline in all three categories. Overall, these graphs suggest an unpromising future.

GRAPHS OF PROGRESSION (BEGINNING TO END)

Love Graph

Compatibility Graph

Sex Graph

Your personality type: Pros and Cons

Pros

  • Beautiful
  • Smart
  • Wonderful Family
  • Great cook
  • Soft skin
  • Great Hairstylist
  • Good fashion sense
  • Cultured

Cons

  • Emotionally unstable
  • Excessive shopper
  • Frequently controlling
  • Frequently stubborn
  • Frequently arrogant
  • Lacking self-love
  • Insecure of weight (even though abnormally skinny)
  • Frequent liar

Tips for the Future

You are beautiful. Don’t let your good looks be the root of your insecurity. Try to depend on yourself more than others. Most importantly, love yourself. When you don’t, it makes it much harder to love another person. I am confident you will find someone who is a better fit for you than me. Before that can happen, however, you must first solve some issues for yourself.

Closing Statement

I always stand behind my decisions. I made the decision to begin this relationship and to continue as long as possible. To our misfortune, it was no longer possible to continue. I have no regrets. I have experienced a profound education that most young men do not have the pleasure of learning. You were capable of making me who I am today. You were also capable of destroying every ounce of life within me. Only you could do that; for this I commend you.

After much needed time and space, I feel we can resume contact with each other. I am optimistic that we can remain friends as well.

Farewell and best of luck,

Chris Sands TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • Anonymous

    Only two of the pros of her personality type are actually aspects of a person’s personality (three if you count fashion sense).

    • Chrisdsands

      Good Point.  Perhaps “characteristics” would be a better category to use.  Thanks for reading.  

  • TNI

    Wow, this American Male sounds like a horrible boyfriend with a serious paternalistic fetish. All his ex’s Pros are superficial, but oh, number two is “Smart”… The graphs say nothing, except that she probably lost her love and desire for you. American “hygiene”? Like not bathing? American “goodness?” Like apple pie? Please.  What about YOUR personality type, fool? Oh, sorry, I’m gleaning who you are from this drivel.

    • Chrisdsands

      Thank you for your input, TNI. Everyone has the right to their opinion.  Truth is, you are incapable of understanding who I am from this piece.  I am not saying you are right or wrong, but it seems you are approaching my piece in the wrong way.  It is not about me.  Nor is it about my Ex.  It is about the nature of relationships and how we can find humor from their immense difficulties.   

       Thanks for reading.

  • Anonymous

    break-up: the powerpoint presentation

  • SEW

    So, since you didn’t provide us with any sort of self-analysis is it safe to assume you’re a lazy, ignorant, selfish, unhygienic asshole? That’s about all I got from this. That and I think you’re confused by what constitutes ‘personality.’

    • Chrisdsands

      I am sorry you feel that way.  It seems as if you were offended, personally.  You shouldn’t be.  This piece should merely be insightful to the struggle of relationships while also bringing light to the subject.  It should have made you laugh instead of making you upset, Sew.  

      Thank you for reading.  

  • Disappointed reader

    How did this crap make it to thoughtcatalog?

    • Chrisdsands

      Great question.  This crap made thoughtcatalog quite simply.  I showed my friend (a daily TH reader) The Breakup and he recommended me to thoughtcatalog.  I submitted this piece that very evening.  My response the next day was “this was totally creative and funny, we want to publish it. thanks for sending it over.”

      Thanks for the question.  

  • http://teresaelectro.blogspot.com/ teresaelectro

    At the very least, I commend your honesty and conciseness. On the other hand, couldn’t this all be hashed out in a final conversation. Or perhaps you’re simply writing down what was said…

    My real issue is when guys do the slow fade to disappearing. That’s not cool. At least some sort verbalization (virtually) or otherwise should occur. Otherwise, why’d you bother getting to know the girl in the first place.

    This situation has just happened to me and my heart is a bit raw. But I really feel that all is fair if you give sort of explanation why you’re cutting off contact. Fair deal.

    If you sent said letter months later, well that’s just asshole-y and pretentious.

    • Chrisdsands

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  Relationships are usually ended through a final conversation, yes.  Mine in particular could have certainly been done so.  It’s effectiveness would have been questionable however.  Previous attempts turned into irrational battles where I would typically surrender. Due to many factors that I will not get into, the relationship had no hope.  Any efforts for cooperation or mutual understanding were futile.  Love turned into hate on both sides.  This cannot be blamed on one partner or the other.  It is simply how things evolved.  The relationship was seemingly finished before the creation of this piece.  My Ex however requested an explanation.  The Breakup was created to fulfill her request, explaining logically and fairly.  She had no response.

      I agree, for both guys and girls, that disappearing is not cool.  Often times people think that they will hurt the other person less if they just disappear.  Well, that notion is absurd.  It has happened to me and those have been the most painful.  It shows a a level of acknowledgement and care to the lowest degree.  

      The Breakup was sent soon after a things were getting messy.  It was the official closure of a broken down relationship.  My Ex and I have since communicated.  We are currently on friendly terms.  

      Once again, thank you for your input.  It was honest and sincere.  Feel free to email me with any other questions or concerns.  

      Chris

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.n.knutson Sarah N. Knutson

    So many of your points totally reflected my 2-yr relationship w/ a proud Bolivian, Catholic guy. While the details are a smidge different, the basic premise remains, and I completely understand exactly what you’re talking about. Well done for voicing my thoughts.

    • Chrisdsands

      Thank you, Sarah.  I am thrilled you could connect to the piece on such an understanding level.  I appreciate the input.  

  • Ang

    This was neither illuminating or informative.

    • Chrisdsands

      Thank you for your input.  More than informing or illuminating, this piece should simply be funny.  Although some readers find it to be all three, it is all dependent on the preference of the reader.  

  • Lily

    please tell me you didn’t actually give this to the girl..

    • http://twitter.com/joshliburdi Josh Liburdi

      read his bio.

  • RAH

    The graphs really make this piece. 

    • Chrisdsands

      Thank you.  That is a frequent comment :)

  • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

    This is amazing. I am stealing this format for my next break-up. I think I’ll present it in a binder. Genius. Thank you. 

    • Chrisdsands

      I am glad you liked it, Duke.  Thank you for reading.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    As a scientist, I’m cringing at your graphs.  Your axes are missing units.   Also, your units seem rather arbitrary for the y-axis; I mean, your “1” for sex is probably most people’s “10”… in that anything that doesn’t result in an STD is better than nothing.

    • Chrisdsands

      I am not sure what to say to this, Gregory.  Your comment bears no connection to the piece.  It seems contrived in the hope of finding a topic for patronization.  The graphs serve their purpose.  If they didn’t, I would not have them there.  

      Thank you for reading.  Shame on you for the comment.   

  • jpjp

    i dated a japanese girl for a year. why is this so accurate?

    • Chrisdsands

      That will remain a mystery.  Thank you for reading. 

  • Charles Reinhardt

    This presentation is composed of a bracing mixture of relatable and psychopathic features. Full marks.

    • Chrisdsands

      I will take that as a compliment, Charles.  Thank you for Reading.  

  • Aelya

    Dude you can’t just give us this prettily wrapped breakup without letting us know what’s inside. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS AND WHAT YOUR EX IS REALLY LIKE.

    • Chrisdsands

      Thank you, Aelya, for your interest in the subject.  Unfortunately The Breakup does not contain much of that information.  If this information is important to you, please email me and I will do my best to satisfy your curiosity.  

      Thank you for reading.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

    Where is your assessment of your own personality* pros and cons in all of this?

    People don’t re/act in a relationship vacuum. It’s bad cutesypseudo-“logic” to skip over 50% of the participants in your relationship.

    I wanted to like your graphs, but the whole thing will come off as bitter, creepy, and condescending until you decide to own some sort of responsibility for your incompatibility.

    *whatever, we all get what you mean without going thru the whole 16PF or whatever. but agree with comment below implying fashion sense should be counted as a factor

    • http://twitter.com/FeHaciente Fernanda Cortes

      thank you! when I started reading the comments I thought “Am I the only one who didn’t actually like this?” And I also think you should include your own pros and cons because isn’t only her fault why you both ended the relationship. what about youe own issues? just saying

      • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

        Right? And it’s super condescending to go about giving her “tips” for the future.

        Because yea, I don’t think his ability to make graphs with no units means he is so self-actualized that he has zero issues and that she was the only source of problems in the relationship.

        Seriously though I did want to like it. Love graphs. Bummer.

      • Chrisdsands

        Both of your comments are well warranted, Mopey and Fernanda.  I do appreciate them.  To answer your question of why I didn’t include my own pro/con assessment, there are 3 main reasons.  First reason is that I was in fact, bitter at the time.  I had taken some hard blows and I admittedly used this document for subtle strikes back.  The second reason is that the document would simply not maintain its humor had I put in my own assessment.  It would have compromised the art of humor and that was not a compromise I was willing to make.  Thirdly, if you have ever gone through a breakup before you can understand that it is a difficult time.  This document was used not only as a way to put closure on a relationship, but also as a form of cathartic relief.  Making a list of what makes me an asshole would have not been conducive to this exercise.  Besides, my Ex already knew well of my personality flaws.  To put simply,  it would have jeopardized the continuity and humor of the piece.  

        I hope this helps to answer your question.  Thank you for reading.  

      • Hmmm

        Nah, adding some of your own fuckups could have been funny in the self-deprecating High Fidelity relationship-postmortem sort of way.

      • Hmmm

        Nah, adding some of your own fuckups could have been funny in the self-deprecating High Fidelity relationship-postmortem sort of way.

  • Ariel

    “BeautifulSmartWonderful FamilyGreat cookSoft skinGreat HairstylistGood fashion senseCultured”

    Ummmm, most of these aren’t adjectives to describe personality. Maybe this is where your relationship went wrong.

  • http://twitter.com/ingenuegle Egle Makaraite

    Who says people don’t use logic in break-ups/relationships/verbal discussions?
    Also, +1 for the graphs. Very nice.

    • Hmmm

      But it doesn’t sound like he used much “logic” in their breakup/relationship discussions. Because this letter isn’t a discussion. And sending it to her instead of talking doesn’t count. Plus its pass-ag as fuck.

  • milkandonesugar

    maybe you broke up because you are a dickhead

    • Chrisdsands

      Interesting observation.  I am sorry the document brought you such anger.  

      Nonetheless, thanks for reading.  

  • JON

    Articles like should also be written at the beginning of relationships. 

  • Lizziea327

    HAHA. Polite and to the point. I would be honored to receive such a well-thought out post-relationship letter.

    • TNI

      Wow. So you would want your partner to summarize your “personality type” as a list of aesthetic qualities and skills that have nothing to do with actual aspects of how you relate emotionally in a relationship. Sounds like quite the honor.

      • Chrisdsands

        Thank you for that, Lizzie.  I would be honored as well :)

      • Chrisdsands

        Thank you for that, Lizzie.  I would be honored as well :)

    • Chrisdsands

      Thank you for that, Lizzie.  I would be honored as well :)

  • Ian

    Hes got that yellow fever.

  • that guy

    This sounds like a relationship I just got out of. Only difference is I didn’t end it. She fell in love with another guy.

    • Chrisdsands

      I am sorry to hear that.  Relationships are very hard to judge.  I hope this document gave you gave some light to your situation.  

      Thank you for sharing.  

  • Best Guest

    Seems like the author would break up with someone for some bullshit reason like not shopping at Urban Outfitters. LOL

    • Chrisdsands

      When the reader becomes so focused on the author instead of the writing itself, they become vain and bitter readers.  You have no right to say such an immature and pointless comment.  

      Thank you for reading.  Shame on you for the comment.  

      • Oneiric

        Generally, when a reader becomes so focused on the author instead of the writing, it’s because the writing wasn’t compelling enough…

      • Chrisdsands

        I am only speaking for myself here.  But if I begin to read something that is not compelling, I stop reading.  

      • Chrisdsands

        I am only speaking for myself here.  But if I begin to read something that is not compelling, I stop reading.  

    • Chrisdsands

      When readers becomes so focused on the author instead of the writing itself, they become vain and bitter readers.  You have no right to say such an immature and pointless comment.  Thank you for reading.  Shame on you for the comment.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    1. Honey if yah girl wanted a man that expressed himself in graphs and charts, she woulda dated an Asian. Lolllljk.

    2. Too much talk about what her issues were and not enough about your damn problems. This has nothing to do with the quality of the writing (which was average, if you care) but more to do with me trying to shed light on why you two didn’t work out.

    3. Last two sections are totally creepy to read as a stranger to you and your life. Seems more suited to a private conversation between you and her. Ugh.

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