Thought Catalog

Annoying Facebook Statuses

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Given my social networking experience, which is extensive, I see a lot of status updates on Facebook. Without belaboring the point, here are the five most annoying categories of status updates, counting down to the single most upchuck-reflex inducing bile that gets spewed, Team America style, all over my newsfeed.

5. TGIF

Example: “TGIF!!!! Wooooo!”

The Breakdown: The mood in the office is awesome on a Friday, I cannot deny this. The idea that going out on a Thursday is okay because waking up Friday morning is always a pleasure is actually pretty sound. Friday morning traffic is beautiful. If the sun is out, multiply the feeling by 4. If you can get out of work early, take a half day, or get out of the office for lunch, do it. It’s magical. But sonuvabitch people, we all know it’s Friday. It’s the day after Thursday. It comes every week, never misses. Aside from masochists that work on the weekend, we’re all glad the work week is over. No one is sitting at the office, droopy-eyed and frowny, miserable that they won’t have a day in front of a computer screen. Announcing to the world of Facebook that you are also glad the weekend is here is about as useful as Apple’s ear buds. No one needs them!

4. Any status that gets liked by the poster

Example: Grace: “6 months today! Can’t believe it’s been so long. Time to collect on some bets!!” “Grace likes this”

The Breakdown: This falls slightly outside the standard ‘status’ complaint, but seriously. If posting that you’re also excited for the weekend was useless, this is one step above being dead. As far as I know, unless you get hacked, there’s a seriously high percentage chance that you were the one that updated your status. I would be severely disappointed (though not completely surprised) if someone disliked one of their own updates. The general idea behind updating a status revolves around, in some way, using your own thoughts and your own words (unless it’s just a quote or a lyric, which, used sparingly, is acceptable); it’s kind of the whole point. If you’re posting stuff that you don’t like, you should get a 6 month ban from Facebook. But if you’re posting stuff, then have the twitching reaction to immediately click ‘like,’ go home, grab a pen, and write ‘I love to reiterate unnecessarily’ (yes every letter) down both arms.

Updates about mundane errands and everyday occurrences (also, check-ins regarding same topic)

Example: “Work all day. Walgreens at lunch!”

The Breakdown: About on par with people that ask ‘what’s up’ during work hours (hint: work), there are countless activities that most people handle on a daily or weekly basis, none of which, regardless of who you are, how famous you are, what country you are in, or who you might be doing it with, is exciting. Except sex. But besides that, I have absolutely nothing to do with the knowledge that you’re at the store buying your puppy a toy. What’s next? ‘Stepped into the bathroom for a quick zit popping!’ ‘Had to adjust my balls there for a second.’ ‘Blinked fifteen times in a minute!’ Just stop. We, as humans, as Americans, and as Chicagoans, come across very similar things on a very frequent and consistent basis. Check in to the Starbucks next to work one more time, and the next time you do, the streets will split, lava will begin to gush, and you’ll just fall into the goo, trying one last time to update ‘oop, another Volcano in the city!’ But hey, I’ll allow that one.

2. Arbitrary number countdowns

Example: “OMG 247 days til the big day. Can’t wait!”

The Breakdown: Besides the fact that nothing more than ~6 months should ever be counted, why, oh why, have you chosen this number to signify your excitement? Are you so bored at work that you’ve decided to page ahead for 9 months, counting every single square (since clearly this number is not determined by common math skills) until you realize that the world needs to know that there are 117 more days until your birthday, so we should probably start planning. 67 more days til Vegas? Great. Hope Vegas burns down while you’re trying to think of what number comes after 20, just to spite you. Wedding days, anniversaries, birthdays, prison release dates, movie release dates, doesn’t matter. There are only a handful of acceptable numbers to count down from, and I’m being generous… 6 months, 3 months, 1 month (because saying 91 days implies you counted squares, and that’s not allowed), 20 days, 10 days, 3, 2, 1. I’ll even add in 24 hours, 18 hours, 12, and 6, because occasionally something is that exciting. Anything else, cut it out. You just seem desperate. Put the calendar down and function normally without prematurely pissing yourself with anticipation.

And the number 1 most annoying update on Facebook: ‘Best Boyfriend Ever!!!!!’

Example: Got a dozen roses delivered to my office today. BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!!!”

The Breakdown: Wow, what a gesture. I’m seriously blown away. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, so the idea of sending flowers to your baby at work is legit, especially for no reason (which probably means he did something wrong and is buttering you up first). But seriously, choose your words wisely, I’ve chosen mine. I have no problem with announcing to the world that you are happy with your relationship and you appreciate the nice, sometimes over-the-top acts of romance, compassion, or sympathy that your significant other has come through with, but I have a slight-little-tiny tidbit of news for you: There’s an alarmingly high probability he’s not the best ever. He might be awesome, but he’s not the best ever. He might have carried you up the stairs after riding in on a white horse, but he’s not the best ever. He might have booked a surprise trip to Hawaii because he saw you were stressed, but he’s not the best ever. The shocking thing is: most of these are about such trivial and craptastic moments that it shouldn’t even warrant a ‘eh, he’s a decent boyfriend.’ “Came home and the house was clean, best boyfriend ever!” Really? He’s probably slightly more trained than a dog, and figured there would be a time that this would come back to him in the future. Sorry to burst the bubble. Let’s just all agree that many people in relationships are very pleased with their current mate, ignore the fact that there’s a really good chance you won’t be together forever, indicating, in fact, he wasn’t the best boyfriend ever, and just peacefully and appropriately leave these over exaggerated bragging sessions in your head, where they belong, and stop polluting my newsfeed.

Thanks, I needed that.

Honorable Mentions: Overly personal business; Anything political; Running distances and times (usually not impressive either.) TC mark

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    • Rans

      this article has been done too many times. try again please!

      • Fuckinchillllll

        maybe so, but i liked his sarcasm. it was funny.

    • http://fwp.me Calvin Camus

      you forgot the #3

      top 5 worst statuses:
      5. bitching about your children
      4. bitching about politics
      3. bitching about rain/weather
      2. daughtry lyrics
      1. sanctimonious “Martin Luther King” quotations

      the best statuses are the late night drunk fuck-the-world updates that the poor bastard unceremoniously deletes in the morning

      yeahhh i totally know you didn't get laid last night, mother sucka

      • ryan chang

        are daughtry lyrics prevalent in your facebook reality? sucks, man. you might be alone on that one.

        • http://fwp.me Calvin Camus

          eh you can substitute Daugherty with any mainstream generic butt rock lyrics, i just use every opportunity to hate on him

    • Luna

      woefully unoriginal. mean-spirited. Who cares? Just ignore these statuses and move on with your life. Most Annoying Thought Catalog Articles: this.

      • http://twitter.com/srslydrew Andrew F.

        woefully unoriginal. mean-spirited. Who cares? Just ignore these articles and move on with your life. Most Annoying Thought Catalog Comment: this.

        we can do this all day.

        • Mcppants

          woefully unoriginal. mean-spirited. Who cares? Just ignore these comment replies and move on with your life. Most Annoying Thought Catalog Comment Reply: this… no wait! that. ohh wait a min..

    • inflammatorywrit

      Disagree. Worst status update ever:
      you want to know how awesome God is when He is in control? You get a 1.5 (equivalent to around a 95 maybe) on your presentation and the teacher goes more than easy on you than he did on the rest of the class! God is soooo good.

      This is an actual status from a Facebook “friend” of mine who seriously believes God controls her grades.

      • inflammatorywrit

        Just kidding. It's actually this one:
        just found out that 1 in 5 relationships starts on an online dating site. America we need to start putting our faith in the original matchmaker (JESUS) and stop putting our faith in a bunch of 1's and 0's!

        • SisterRay

          Haha I was not aware Jesus was ever a matchmaker. Good to know I guess?

      • Asforteri

        I used to work with a dude who told me, 5 minutes into a 2-hour “carpool” ride to another office, that he believed god directly gave him his recent work promotion and that it had nothing to do with the prior person holding the position quitting. Unfriend that person.

    • J in DC

      Well, TGIF cause I only have 73 more minutes to run to CVS and buy that cream.

      Good article.

      • Melanie

        to buy the best cream ever?

        • bappada boopy

          HAHA!! i laughed out loud.

    • faustIVevr

      Sick and tired of being sick and tired…

    • http://twitter.com/joshliburdi Josh Liburdi

      every facebook status is the most annoying facebook status.

      • ..well

        yes..the human race is all rather annoying and pithy, dont you agree

    • Lance

      Can't forget the even worse third person statuses!

    • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

      The ones where you have to ask a follow up question to actually find out whats going on. Attention whores, and I have guy friends who do it for christs sake!

      • Reallyyyydude

        lol at you using “[attention] whores” and following it up with something like “GUYS, TOO!!1!” – cute misogyny/slut shaming.

    • http://loveandradio.org Nick vdK

      Don't forget people announcing their miscarriages. Yes, this actually happened.

    • Miljan

      The person who wrote this obviously has social problems, attention issues, and feelings of negligence.

      Stop being so angry…

      • Reallyyyydude

        or they're just tired of people on facebook being dumb. in which case, they could delete their account instead of creating a tired article and posting it to thought catalog.

    • http://twitter.com/Sscottie Scott Lewis

      any status where they go ” certain food nomnonnomnomnom :)”

    • Maryelishh

      How about just deleting them on your friend's list. Too much time wasted on writing this article. I mean, what are you supposed to put on your Facebook status then? I'm not guilty with any of these things but it's insane.

      • http://twitter.com/AshleyCanVogue Ashley W.

        It's really not that difficult to come up with a non-annoying Facebook status.

    • Pfft

      i like it when drunk girls updates are all about them being wasted, and then they get pregnant and they're all about them being pregnant and then they pop one out and their facebook photo is suddenly a photo of their child and never them, and then they never mention anything ever again apart from boring shit about their baby pooping and whatnot, every fucking day.
      bitches be crazy.

      • Yeah, well

        You're just not ready for the bitches, it seems.

    • JEAmaty

      Being able to like your own status is the true beauty of the like button.

    • http://twitter.com/paulhansonclark Paul Clark

      I like liking my own Facebook statuses & comments.

    • mm

      one thing i hate is people being SUPER negative on facebook statuses

      like I understand the “this day sucked!” post but this one guy is really annoying with “i wish i could fucking punch everyone i ever knew, i would feel so much better” or “i don't have friends..” or “Fuck everyone, leave me alone” 

      i just don't understand it…maybe he is one of the internet assholes?

    • http://twitter.com/LazyGirlReads LazyGirl

      Wow this is LOL funny. Def reposting!

    • Thalia

      liking your own statuses is the equivalent of hi-fiving yourself in public. you just don’t do it.

    • Jon

      How about people with new babies; that’s much worse than the TGIF posts. Every day it’s a new status update, or a new picture with a caption about their baby. We get it, you’re excited, now shut up. I don’t care that your kid just had his first poop. Drives me crazy.

    • Jiro

      U have hide status option or worst unfriend, why bother??

    • http://www.facebook.com/oladapo.onagoruwa Oladapo Onagoruwa

      lol I agree with a lot of this. I usually just hate when people quote on a status about something that everyone’s seen 1000 times before like “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” and etc. I also hate when they quote something and act as if they created the quote themselves. That’s lame as hell, come up with your own quotes or at least post a quote that 90% of your friends list hasn’t already scene 1000 times. Nice/funny thread.  

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