How To Make Money Online


Google “how to make money online.” Look at website after website, written by people claiming to make $800+ a month by doing absolutely nothing!!! Click on a link. Click on another link. Become no more informed on how to make money online. Look at the time. Realize four hours has passed. When your girlfriend comes home from work, lie about what you were doing. Tell her you were writing a novel.


Sign up for Party Poker. Deposit the minimum amount ($18), hoping to immediately double it with their new players sign up bonus. Wonder why your starting balance doesn’t automatically double. Find out that in order to access the aforementioned sign up bonus, you need to first accrue 200 Party Poker points by playing online poker. Spend two weeks playing online poker. (“The novel is coming along really well.”) Win one game out of three. Daydream, occasionally, about becoming an online poker pro. Slowly lose all your money (total Party Poker points at closure of account: 16).


Actually consider wanking for strangers, for money. Look at cam girls, as ‘research.’ Sit in your room at 2 p.m. on a rainy Tuesday afternoon, eating toast, as you watch an Eastern European woman felate a large purple dildo. Later, watch a mature couple rub each other halfheartedly, while trying to encourage someone to ‘go private’ with them. Don’t go private with them. Consider asking your girlfriend to do a couples cam with you. Bring it up as a joke in bed one night. Don’t pursue the issue.


Read testimonials from people who claim to supplement their income by filling in online surveys. Wonder if you could really do this full time. Think, ‘Surveys is the new envelope-stuffing, maybe.’ Google “online envelope stuffing.” Google “secret way to make money that no one knows about yet.” Google “how to write a novel.” Fill in your username and half of your email address on an online survey website. Imagine actually spending 8 hours a day, five day a week filling in surveys. Close your browser.


Read about Google Adsense. Consider putting adverts on your blog. Consider starting a new blog, under a pseudonym, from the perspective of someone who has actually found out the secret to making money online, from the comfort of my own home, by doing absolutely nothing!!! and filling this fake blog with Google Adsense banners and boxes and pop-up windows. Picture yourself receiving a check from Google Inc. for $800 and taking it to your local bank in Manchester, England, and sliding it across the counter to the cashier who says something about them not accepting American checks. Google “can you cash American checks in the UK?” Google “is there ever going to be a sequel to Avatar?” Google “large itchy red patch on my arm for two weeks is it skin cancer?”


Watch videos of successful teenagers who seem to be making actual full-time incomes just from video-blogging or creating online characters/sitcoms. Wish you were younger and more attractive and energetic and optimistic. Wish, vaguely, that you lived in a large white house in California, with a swimming pool and a half-pipe and a tree swing and a little brother. Consider starting some kind of ‘weird viral comedy video thing’ where you wear a mask and talk about current affairs in a satirical way. Daydream about leading a double-life; one where you are both you and also, secretly, a full-time YouTube Partner, making a monthly income roughly equivalent to that of Lucas Cruikshank (circa 2009). Buy a plastic animal mask from a joke shop. Set up your video camera in the spare room. Talk for three minutes in an unsustainably ‘wacky’ voice. Feel, fleetingly, that nothing good or exciting will ever happen again in your life.


Just look at eBay for a long time. Type in “Richard Brautigan.” Type in “Gordon Lish”. Type in “men’s vintage shirt XXS.” Maybe buy something. Walk around your flat, looking at all the things you own and wondering how much, if anything, they cost. Type some of them in to eBay. Realize you own nothing that costs more than £100. Realize, also, that you won’t sell anything, ever, on eBay because you don’t have the requisite energy and organizational skills. TC mark


More From Thought Catalog

  • exitclov

    It's pretty easy to make quick cash on eBay if you just dedicate the time to making good-looking listings.

  • crispin best

    chris killen > scatman john

  • Giles

    Managed to sell a Boss loop-pedal on eBay for £200 (rrp £209).

  • Jess Dutschmann

    Would anyone like to buy ~15 vintage Christmas Barbies
    why do I have this burden

  • tao

    felt 'delighted' reading this

  • megan boyle

    lol…liked this a lot

  • Surrendertostrangeness


  • Michael Koh

    felt 'sad' because i'ved tried 4 of them

  • aaron nicholas


  • stephen

    hehe sweet

  • Socratesadams

    i am really into online surveys. i highly recommend online surveys as a great way to make fantastic money online. you can have a passive income of upto three hundred pounds per month just by spending up to nine hours per day filling in easy to fill in surveys.

  • Uros Jelenko

    i am in affiliate business,and some people says that this should be the fastest way to make money online.i am having lucky that i get into system and into the team where everybody support me and if i need help they emidiately help me:for more informations send me emial on

  • hamrank16

    There are several ways to make money online. These are one of the good ways to make money online. Want to make money online? Visit

  • Hall Kevin2

    Chris , you never bloody turned up at my wedding. I'm going to hunt you down in Manchester, just see if I don't… ;-)

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  • make money online

    Hi guys,

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    Guys you can make some extra cash with being active on a forum. You get real forex money, 20cents per post and 50cents per thread, check out here

  • Scott Southard

    I spend my time on ebay similarly.   Why does The Tokyo Montana Express have to be so expensive?

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  • misty

    well, am trying to find the ways to make money on here, but yet anouther website of bullshit that didn’t help anything just like that! thanks buddy>:(

    • misty

      oh, and by te way, i jst posted this message at 2:35 pm on 7/17/2012 and when i post it two seconds later, comes back at me stating that i posted it four hours ago.just stupid. there is no way to make money on the internet.. i’ve been searching while i am broke. stupid fukking machine man43

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    How To Make Money Online | Thought Catalog

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