Thought Catalog

Five Songs You Shouldn’t Listen To In The Bath

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1. Air – ‘Sexy Boy’

While air is obviously important in any water-based environment, this classic from the French electro-chill-vendors will not sit comfortably alongside your rubber duck. If you live alone, you might get away with it. But these mellow euphonies, breaking over you like scented bath-foam, will always feel like a self-induced ego trip of the most shameful sort. And god help you if your roommate / significant other / generic family member should overhear this piping out from under the bathroom door. Serious aspersions can be cast over your entire lifestyle based on the nature of what you listen to when naked. The same problem can occur with Ida Maria’s stomping ‘I Like You So Much Better When You’re Naked’. At the very least make sure there are no mirrors within direct view of the tub. Everyone should love themselves, but not with so much steam and exposed skin involved.

2. Meat Loaf – ‘I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)’

A piece of more general advice: the combination of power ballads and bathtime is a dangerous one. As you will no doubt know from your days as an child repeating Archimedes’s experiments with water-levels, excessive splashing and spilling can cause trouble. This is particularly the case if you live in a property with an upper-story bathroom and weak ceiling plaster. I speak from experience, so trust me. The urge to air-guitar is stronger than you are, as is the force of gravity. Siginificant volumes of water will travel upwards and therefore downwards, and you will regret your hair metal / rock opera playlist when half your bath slaps the floor. Not to mention that the surreal little noise-riff at the beginning of the song becomes infinitely more menacing when faced with the distant possibility of inhaling the remaining half. So keep Mr Loaf for karaoke when you’ve had one too many Jack and Cokes, or else invest in a damn absorbent rug.

3. Bobby Darin – ‘Splish Splash’

Because it’s not ironic, it’s not clever. Songs such as these were written in full awareness that in sixty or so years’ time they would be straining from a jukebox in a themed diner or soundtracking nauseating videos of small babies giggling while their YouTube-happy parent bathes them in a sink. Yes, we all indulge in the occasional cute clip of a cat trampolining into a cardboard box, but seriously lady, put the camcorder down and teach your child to read or something. And you. In the tub. I’m willing to bet that you also have ‘Rock Lobster’ by the B-52s queued up to play, and you thought you were the new Oscar Wilde when you thought of something so gauche and witty. Well you disgust me.

4. Metric – ‘Monster Hospital’

I love Metric. Many people do, and justly so. But be aware that if you listen to them while reclining on the chipped enamel of your bath under a dim, fly-spotted bulb, you will feel like the protagonist of a twenty-minute short about heroin addiction, badly edited by a film student from Montreal. Either that or like you dozed off and woke in a music video from the tail-end of grunge, possibly with a vocal by Courtney Love. Neither of these feelings is conducive to relaxed bathing atmosphere, and chances are that by the time you’ve held your breath under the water for thirty seconds or more, the only thing you’ll be able to think about is the futility of all human endeavour. And how maybe if you melted down the copper taps you could sell them for crack money. Isn’t bathtime fun?

5. Any classical music of any kind

You’re young. You’re moderately successful. Okay, so you’re not raking in the cash since you decided to go to grad school instead of taking that financial sector internship your dad’s friend told you about, but hey. You’re living for your art. You don’t want to focus on your career if it means being creatively stilted and soulless. Good for you. I’m sure you’ve had a hard day, and now you’re going to relax with a nice hot bath and your Best of Baroque compilation.

No. Stop there. You now think you’re sophisticated and mature. In fact, listening to Pachelbel’s ‘Canon in D’ in the tub makes you pretentious and let’s face it, a douche. We all know full well that yesterday you were drinking PBR in the shower and crying on the subway. One classical compilation CD you bought in a sale and only listened to once during midterms will not help you. If I catch you listening to this again I am going to throw your jasmine and elderflower incense and your iPod dock into the bath with you and save the world a lot of exasperation.

Besides, everything sounds like Moby when your head is underwater. TC mark

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    • http://glorydrugstalkloud.blogspot.com/ Laurens Verdonkschot

      6. Without You by Badfinger/Mariah Carey via the bathtub scene in ‘The Rules of Attraction directed by Roger Avary

    • http://glorydrugstalkloud.blogspot.com/ Laurens Verdonkschot

      6. Without You by Badfinger/Mariah Carey via the bathtub scene in ‘The Rules of Attraction directed by Roger Avary

    • http://glorydrugstalkloud.blogspot.com/ Laurens Verdonkschot

      6. Without You by Badfinger/Mariah Carey via the bathtub scene in ‘The Rules of Attraction directed by Roger Avary

    • http://glorydrugstalkloud.blogspot.com/ Laurens Verdonkschot

      6. Without You by Badfinger/Mariah Carey via the bathtub scene in ‘The Rules of Attraction directed by Roger Avary

    • Paul

      i don’t get it

      • Anonymous

        but i like it

    • Qanir

      Bright eyes – padriac my prince.

      Oh, to be my tortured 14 year old self again.

    • http://www.facebook.com/katie.n.reed Katie Reed

      Lolcano.

    • Caffadd

      And the point of this article is….?

    • LINKED

      It just spews judgment all over the place.

    • bobby darin

      hahaha loved this. “Well you disgust me.”
      good work keep doing it

    • scott

      Thank God you wrote this.

      I almost made a fool of myself by listening to music I enjoy while completely alone.

      • ANG

        hahahahaa

      • um

        i wonder which one you listen to that he mentioned which offended you. i’m guessing … air.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      Wait, Pachelbel’s ‘Canon in D’? What are we, middle school kids graduating? 

    • Kell

      Hey hey, Chris, I listen to nothing but classical in the bath. But I also drink cheap beer and cry on the light rail (not having a subway here) so you got me.

    • Maxwell Smart

       I like to listen to Neutral Milk Hotel in the bath.

    • Caffadd

      This just spews judgment all over the place. 

      • um

        you said that already. get a life.

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

      What about listening to Billie Holiday in the tub?  It might be a little pretentious but I do so enjoy it!  By the way, this cracked me up. 

    • Meredith

      Splish splash I do what want eeemslie. :))

    • dj livingsocial

      i thought this article was going to be great when i skimmed over the song titles until i realized it wasn’t “five songs you should listen to in the bath.” this could’ve been a great way to suggest how to have fun alone, not give me more ways to be self-conscious about things that only effect me. 

    • Guest

      I would just like to point out that Pachelbel’s “Canon in D” is not a song and therefore should not be included in your list of five songs that you should not listen to in the bath.

    • Anonymous

      listening to pachelbel’s canon doesn’t make you pretentious so much as it makes you incredibly stupid….

      • http://wasagoodday.blogspot.com/ ringdesbiebelungen

        listening to john zorn, on the other hand…

    • Guest

      Why is everyone being so bitter about this article? Harmless fun, y’all. Harmless, well-written fun. 

    • http://twitter.com/godworm Nicholas Cox

      This comment will expose me as a “pretentious douche,” but fuck it, you were going to find out eventually so you might as well find out now.

      Owning a “classical compilation” CD—and, God help you, listening to the Pachelbel Canon in the bath—does NOT make you pretentious and a douche; it makes you a provincial hayseed grasping at “sophistication,” which for you equals social capital and nothing more. You probably put on Vivaldi’s “The Four Seasons” when you invite guests over for Crane Lake chardonnay and brie from Costco. You probably have your living room decorated with a set of Barnes and Noble leatherbound classics. You probably say “utilize” instead of “use” because you think it makes you sound intelligent. Oops, I went there.

      Real “sophistication” is rooted in interior self-development and comes with the knowledge that caring about appearing sophisticated is, at least in theory, inherently stupid. In practice the temptation to care about how you appear to others is hard to resist, but the truly sophisticated are likely to feel disgusted with themselves, and ought to, as they enjoy the cheap thrill of impressing people at a party with their knowledge of French literary theory, or abstract art, or whatever. Taking pleasure in the feeling of intellectual superiority is toxic—you’re better off staying home with a book.

      • CE

        it’s a joke. it’s ALL a joke.

        and no, I do none of those things. what I do is *utilise* my sense of humour and not take everything on the internet with such defensive seriousness.

        oops, I went there.

        • mamabear

          You can’t joke about classical music Chris, its just not done.  Next think you know you’ll be impressing people about french lit theory and not even feel bad for it.

    • giiist

      HAHA, I believe we all know who the douche is if the best you can come up with is Pachebel’s “Canon in D.”

    • Guest

      I would just like to point out that Pachelbel’s “Canon in D” is not a song and therefore should not be included in your list of five songs that you should not listen to in the bath.

      • guest

        pretentious and let’s face it, a douche

      • valtameri

        Who are you, my musical history professor?

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