I Want To Love You, But I’m Scared Of Hurting You

woman in blue denim jacket leaning on man's shoulder near body of water
Milan Popovic / Unsplash

I want to tell you that I’ll be everything you deserve, that I’ll be the guy to sweep you off your feet and give you the life that you deserve.

I want to do the little things for you to show you how much you mean to me; I want to surprise you with your favorite flowers on a Tuesday, just because. I want to go over the top to make sure you never doubt how important you are to me.

But I don’t know if I can.

I don’t know if I can be the man you deserve. I don’t know if I can sweep you off your feet or make sure you never forget how much you mean to me.

The truth is, I don’t know if I know how to.

I’ve spent the last year trying to remember how I can even be happy after feeling so lost and alone, and I still struggle with it.

But here you are, this amazing girl who is everything I could ever want or need. You’re smart and passionate and loving and I’m terrified to hurt you.

I’m scared of coming into your life and bringing my past, the past that for so long has haunted me, and taking away your happiness and love for the world. I remember doing the little things for the ones I care the most about, I remember the passion and the fire that burns so bright to bring love to everyone around you.

I remember being happy, and I’d never want to be the reason you lose that.

The truth is, when I think about you I see someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I see a best friend, I see a wife, I see a mom, I see someone who will stand by my side through heaven and hell without even blinking. I see someone who will go to battle with me against the very demons that have kept me from being happy again. And that makes me care even more for you. But I don’t think you’d know what you’re getting yourself into, I don’t think you truly understand the damage and demons that follow me around.

I see you and your happy family filled with so much love and affection, and I’m scared all I will do is hurt you.

I’m scared that you’ll go to battle with me against my demons. I’m scared that you’ll help me carry my baggage. I’m scared that you’ll never leave me feeling like I’m in the alone.

And I’m absolutely petrified that because of all of that, because of how much you love, I will only end up hurting you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Telling my story. Trying to bring awareness to mental health.

Keep up with Chris on Instagram, Twitter and chrisdegenaars.com

More From Thought Catalog