I still have mornings that I wake up feeling so weak and hopeless like I have no strength to try and take on another day.
Sometimes it is only every few months, and sometimes it is every day, some days are worse than others, and some days I can’t understand why I ever would want to end my life because it’s so good.
I do still suffer from depression, where I feel as if no matter what I do or what I say it is wrong. As if no matter what I decide to do next is already a failure.
I do still struggle to see the good in situations or to remember to smile, not because I don’t want to, but because I forget how-how to live without a noose around my neck.
But, I am happy.
But I am still a human being, and still, have love and hope. My depression doesn’t make me broken; it makes me human. It makes me vulnerable.
I’ve had people tell me that they wish the could speak up about their emotions, about their anxiety or depression, but fear judgment and fear being treated differently.
I never really thought about it honestly. I have been judged by my peers my entire life, so I figured I might as well tell my story if they will judge it anyway.
I never really thought about how people would treat me if I told everyone I had depression. I never thought how someone might act because they knew I tried to take my life, but I thought how someone might act because they knew they weren’t alone in feeling that.
It’s sad, sad that people are forced to feel even more alone because they can’t speak about what they are going through because of the fear of judgment.
I’m thankful for my family, for my friends, and for my coworkers who see me as a person and not as some fragile glass. I don’t talk about my mental health illnesses because I want to be treated differently; I do it because I want everyone who has them to be treated equally, to be treated like a person — not a ticking time bomb.
I still suffer from depression. I still have days where I think how much easier it would be to end it all now. But I am happy, I am hopeful, and I am going to get through this.
My name is Christopher Degenaars, and I will be okay. And so will you.