Day 6: Friday – We Have A Problem
Today was the first day where this site started to not be fun anymore. Normally when things stop being fun, we quit. But who said life is supposed to be fun all of the time.
I fired up another search. It’s draining for me to see all of these beautiful women and then read their profiles and realize that they’re completely terrible human beings. Often women write profiles like a list of demands. The 5’3” woman that says, “only message me if you are over 5’11.” The 30-year-old holding an assault rifle in her profile that opened with four paragraphs of demands starting with, “and since this website failed to give me a space to tell you exactly what I’m looking for, allow me to streamline this process.” Where are all these entitled and delusional women coming from? It’s perfectly fine to have requirements in a mate, but you have to think about how you come off to other people when you write things like that.
What would it be like if a man wrote that “you have to be hot, have D cups, and be really in to cooking”? Women would skewer this man, but why is it that they can get away with it? Because that’s the way the system works. Years of reinforcement from men pandering for her attention, has enabled her to think this behavior is OK. There’s no point in complaining about it though, it’s just something we have to go through as men.
Here’s the problem though, for both genders, we have little self-awareness of what we actually deserve. Everyone likes to think they’re special. Everyone likes to think they’re the exception that’s going to find love magically when you both reach for the same kale at Whole Foods. But we can’t all be the exception. By definition, most of us are average.
I have to take a break from this. I’ll log on later in the day because my current emotions will shape the tone of any message I write.
Alright, I got my Friday night pizza fix and I’m 2 glasses of wine in, let’s do this: There no other city in the world like LA with such ridiculous women on OK Cupid. I just saw a 28-year-old woman with giant fake breasts and an entire gallery of identical-faced bathroom selfies that describes her self as “really down to earth.” I also just definitely found a porn star on here as confirmed by her profile saying, “are you a fan of my old work? You’re a pervert, go way. Oh so you’re not a fan? Why wasn’t I good enough for you?” She actually wrote a lengthy and legitimately funny profile, but I don’t want my message to appear on TMZ, so I’ll pass.
I messaged a doctor in Marina Del Rey and a writer that moved here from New York. Out of all of the people I messaged this week, the doctor had the most long-term potential because she conveyed her personality the best. I logged off when my messages started to get really abstract and I started to have dialogues with myself inside messages to women. When I write to make myself laugh then no good can come from that.
That’s enough for tonight. Time to drink wine on my roof. I wonder if that doctor will message back.
Day 7: Saturday – This Is The End
During “peak traffic” hours on OK Cupid, which appear to be Friday and Saturday nights, when everyone realizes they can’t fill that hole in their life with Instagram likes or by immersing themselves in their work, you’re given the option to “boost” your profile. This means you will show up more prominently in search filters. If you’re a man, this is a waste of money. No desirable woman ever used the search or sends a message because she knows her value. She only has to log on and sifts through email at her own pace. This also means she will mercilessly eliminate you because of a typo, generic messages, or your photos being too dark. I don’t blame her, she has to do this in order to keep sane when going through 100 messages a day.
This also made me realize a huge hole in my game. If these women are getting 100 messages a day, that means I have to be overwhelmingly charming for her to even just click through to read my profile. My strategy was the same as IRL approach strategy, which is primarily talk about them, which somehow makes me a good listener. So now I have to switch to more of a 70% about them and 30% about me tactic for my messages. I have to sell them harder on me for the first impression. This whole week may have been a waste. Well, that’s what learning is.
I only messaged one girl today. I couldn’t find anyone else quality and I could already feel burnout.
The whole reason I started this journey was a book I read by Duana Welch, called Love Factually. She points out that as Americans we value people that put in hard work to succeed in life, but when it comes to love, we prefer to leave things up to chance. Although online dating is more acceptable now, we still like to think that we’re the special ones that won’t need it. Maybe you and I aren’t special. Maybe we need to put in work. Maybe we need to weather the terrible tempest that is online dating to make it to the calm seas and sunshine.
That’s why on Day 6 when this experiment stopped being fun, I pushed myself to do it anyway. If you think of love like a something that needs active maintenance instead of falsely believing it’s something that just happens to you, then it makes sense it will be rewarded to those that put in the work. And remember, no one loves every single part of their job, but that’s why it’s called work.
So here’s my unpopular advice for women: in order to prevent yourself from being jaded, why not search for men and send a message to those you want to speak to. It’s the only way to actively weed out the douche bags. I realize you’re “old-fashioned” and don’t’ want to do that, but your traditional ways haven’t served you in the past because you’re just as single as everyone else on here.
I looked at my read receipts and the doctor read my message but didn’t respond. Bummer. I’ll give her a few days and then email her again. When it comes to women that I think are worth it, I always try twice. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she read my message on her iPhone at a traffic light and was interested, but forgot to reply when she got home. Or maybe she just plain isn’t interested in me. Either way it doesn’t hurt me to be sure, and with a girl like her, I just want to be sure. You’re a shitty man if you’re not OK with being rejected. So always try twice with those that are worth it. The third time is just creepy. I’ll send her a message next week.
CONCLUSION – Now What?
Here are my week’s results by the numbers:
MESSGES SENT: 28
MESSAGES ACTUALLY READ: 15
MESSAGES I GOT A RESPONSE FROM: 2
MESSAGES I ORGANICALY RECIEVED: 4 (1 porn bot)
Maybe I haven’t had much luck because I’m terrible at sending messages. Maybe I look funny.
Maybe because I didn’t write down my yearly salary women dismiss me. Maybe I’m too short. Maybe women don’t like paramedic turned writers. The point is, there is no point in me going down this toxic wormhole because I’m never going to know the answer so why heap negativity on my self. All I can do is continue to improve myself, based on the real world feedback that I’m given.
Everyone is looking for something better. Everyone falsely believes they’re too busy. Everyone only wants to date only if it’s convenient to his or her own schedule. From talking to my New York friends, it’s the same out there if not worse. It’s tough to lament about dating without coming off as whining, especially if you’re a man because we’re not vocal and we’re expected to just shut up and take it. But once you’ve dated enough in LA, maybe you realize maybe this place is terrible. Maybe living in a smaller city, I’d have lower rent and a quality mate with the time and energy to commit to a relationship. Sure if I move, the sushi won’t be as fresh and maybe I won’t be near the ocean, but isn’t that worth the trade off? In the meantime, I chose to be here, so I have to adhere to my city’s personality.
I can’t get jaded though, I need to just let the terrible people pass and acknowledge that a few bad apples doesn’t mean the whole tree is spoiled. I can’t let my blind date so bad that it made the LA Times color my picture of women as a whole, and I hope they would do the same for men. Make no mistake though, dating is emotionally, mentally, and financially (if you’re a man) exhausting. I used to think emotional resources regenerated over time, but now I’m starting to think they’re finite. Every time I take off my armor and let someone in and it doesn’t work out, it gets harder. Maybe that’s why so many people play Etta James’ “At Last” at their weddings. We all live in the same world and have suffered its slings and arrows.
Time to text Kim, a second and final chance time, to see if she wants to go out again. Judging by her ambition-driven two jobs and the 1.5 hour window she gave me to see her Wednesday evening, she doesn’t have time for a proper relationship. Still, she’s one of the most engaging women I’ve gone out with in quite some time and I’m going to put in the effort.
The book Love Factually uses scientific evidence to confirm your worst nightmare that we deep down know is true, but none of us want to believe: women want to date men that are tall and rich and men want to date women that are young and hot. If you’re not those things, it’s time to compromise. You’re wrong to passively sit on the sidelines and believe what your mom tells you that “love will come to you when you’re not looking.” How’s that working out for you? Love is an event, and you’re only going to get out of it what you put in to it. So put in some work.
Welcome to the world of modern dating. Enter your login and password here.
Oh shit. Kim just text me back.