Tinder is Terrible. But let’s face it — you have it, I have it, even Barb from accounting has it. Tinder is really just a video game where instead of winning points, you feed your ego. You use it while waiting in line for your soy chai latte, during the dull parts of your organic chemistry class, or so you don’t have to talk to your weird neighbor in the elevator. We see an attractive face on those digital umbilical cords we call our phones, and our brain squirts out dopamine and our pupils dilate — even more so when there’s a “connection.” But if you’re the type of person that’s open to meeting these digital disembodied heads, then here are couple fixable mistakes you can avoid.
1. You never have a second chance to make a first impression.
I’m assuming women use Tinder in the same way that men do; they look at the first photo and then swipe left or right. Only after they connect will a man do any further investigation to see if this is someone they would want to split a Jamba Juice with for the rest of their life. That being said, if you’re wearing sunglasses, half of your face is covered by your cat, or your back is to the camera while you’re looking at the sunset, what you’re telling men is that you have no confidence in your looks. Unless you plan on constantly wearing sunglasses, holding up your cat, and facing the sunset, he’s going to see your face eventually — so put it out there. You never want the first emotion he feels when he sees you to be disappointment.
2. He should never have to ask, which one are you?
There are profiles that exist with 12 people in the first photo. I’m sure you look great in your champion bowling league photo, but a man has no idea which woman you are. You know who you are, but he has no idea who you are. My guess is you’d like him to investigate further in your profile to reveal the fascinating layered mystery that is you, but remember the rule above; he’s not going past your first photo.
3. Quotes are for idiots that use someone else’s words for their identity.
So you’ve matched up with him, congratulations. He has now read your profile and scrutinized your photos to determine you aren’t a SIF (Urban Dictionary it, it’s funnier if you do). This is your chance to differentiate yourself from the pack but the number one thing that women write in their profile (apparently men also) is a quote. They range from something inspiring from Ghandi to Maya Angelou to something downright cryptic like, “I wish you love, happiness, and light. #YOLO” By far and away though, it’s usually a quote from that timeless fan favorite, Marilyn Monroe. You do realize she was a notorious harlot that had 12 abortions and died of a drug overdose right? But “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” You know what, Marilyn? I’ll pass. Thank you, though.
4. Put the money in the bag and no one gets hurt.
Tinder only allows a certain number of characters in your profile, but I’m always amazed at how women manage to fit their list of demands in there. “You must be this tall to ride this ride,” “you better have a job and not live with your mom,” “if you have a shirtless gym selfie, swipe left.” The height demands always fascinate me, because you would never let men get away with saying “only girls under 100 pounds.” You’re on a dating app, do you really think you’re in a position to be making demands? Even if you secretly want these things — which is fine — by saying them, you come off like a high maintenance nag. My other favorite is “no hookups please,” as if some player is going to read that and say “aww snap, I was going to pump and dump her but she said no hookups so now I can’t.” Negativity and demands aren’t sexy. Brevity and positivity are.
5. It’s okay to say something first.
As suspected, and then confirmed after reading this article, attractive women on Tinder get nothing but constant connections ringing in their purse for every man they swipe right to. So men, any super attractive woman is going to wisely scrutinize your entire profile before making the faux-commitment. This means you need to step up your game and put your god damn shirt back on and stop talking about hiking and drinking. So if you’re an attractive woman getting 50 connections a day, the only way to be able to wade through the sea of pick up lines is to — wait for it — send him a message first. I get it, you’re “old-fashioned” (i.e. not as progressive as you like to think) and you want a man to pursue you, but this is Tinder. Maybe the fact that you’re not more assertive is why you’re on this horrible app in the first place. Katy Perry met Russell Brand by throwing a water bottle at his head and Olivia Wilde pursued Jason Sudeikis by sending him a piece of paper with her phone number on it that says “use it.” It’s okay to make a move.
So now that you’ve pimped out your profile to avoid the common mistakes that women make, you’re ready to give your index finger a serious workout. The good news is you’re no longer basic, but the bad news is this is Tinder. You didn’t actually think you were going to meet someone IRL, did you?