4 Things You Can Do While Sitting Alone At A Bar

What ever happened to the lost art of waiting?

I’m not entirely sure there really was a definable “art,” but I am sure some of you majored in it at UC Santa Cruz. Waiting seems tolerable now that we have our only true friend and constant companion known as our iPhones. Remember how we used to hate the lines at the DMV or for that movie premiere? Well now you can simultaneously bitch about it on Facebook, try to get a reservation at Mozza, and ironically text your friend colloquial atrocities like “c u at da bar.” Some of us even go as far as to stand outside of an establishment looking at our phone faking text messages until our company arrives. In the existential sense, no one really likes to be alone, but is it really all that bad?

Here are a couple things you can do while sitting alone at the bar waiting for your roommate, blind date, or Craig’s List sofa purchaser:

Eavesdrop on all the conversations around you.

Chances are they’re pretty mundane but it’s fun to fill in the blanks and gaps in conversation. Think of it like writing funny captions on pictures you see on the internet. Most people in public will tend to censor their conversation (the exact opposite etiquette of those in a taxi) for fear of judgment, so make up your own novella to spice things up a bit. That guy is sleeping with that guy even though his girl doesn’t know she’s pregnant and there’s some sort of feud going on about a pineapple that ties the whole thing together. The better the story in your mind the more entertained you’ll be.

Make a farfetched To-Do list for the weekend.

  • Milk a unicorn
  • Base jump from Rockefeller Center
  • Ride an elephant in India
  • Sucker punch a clown while doing spoken word in the park
  • Parkour at the old folks home
  • Make YouTube videos of you singing George Michael’s “Faith” in drag
  • Zumba
  • Buy stamps

Write a rap song.

Being part Caucasian myself, I’ve never written a rap song, but I imagine it’s as easy as rhyming and talking about the women you enjoy and the alcohol you pour on them. So try it. I’ll give you a couple starting points. Whiskey, Capri pants, and “nothing rhymes with orange.” If you can do it in Haiku form then major points for you. Look, you’ve achieved some creative writing while tapping your foot at a bar! You know what, baby? You deserve those French fries with garlic aioli. Aww, yeah.

Talk to someone.

Holy sh-t, remember when we used to have face-to-face communication with each other? You know, when you were able to read things like expressions and social cues? Well, we don’t do that anymore. What is this, 2007? The key to doing this has to do with your motives. When you go into a bar conversation with anyone, you have preface it with the thoughts “We are just two humans having a simple conversation.” By doing that, you are actively easing your mind and, more importantly, your terrifying body language. Don’t over-think it. Then say something, anything, no matter how dumb it is. If they’re interested in chat they’ll bite, if not, you can quietly bow out. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Well, they can violently stab with the rusty fork they keep on the inside pocket of their cardigan, but you know what, then you can write a Haiku about it. TC mark

 

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  • http://twitter.com/FailboatSailor Justine G. (@FailboatSailor)

    You forgot to include leering at people sketchily while swirling your finger around in your drink and mouthing the lyrics to “I Wanna Be Sedated.”

    Wait, that’s not acceptable?

    Well, okay then.

    • Megan

      …Oh, it’s not? Damn.

      • Wayne Z.

        Double damn…

  • http://thiagofalcao.info/?p=765 Do Thought Catalog | thiagofalcao.info

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  • http://sapphiqueer.wordpress.com Novia Olam

    Lovely! I’ve been debating going to a bar on my own for a while now and thanks to this, I’ll have stuff to do there. :-D

  • H

    Can unicorns be milked?

    • http://www.facebook.com/eric.reiter30 Eric Reiter

      Only the female ones

      • piquo

        male ones if you’re doing it right

    • Jye

      You can milk anything with nipples….

      • H

        Hahahaha. “Could you milk me Greg?”

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/4-things-you-can-do-while-sitting-alone-at-a-bar/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

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  • LEMONZEZT

    I don’t have a cellphone, so sitting anywhere by myself makes me feel like I *seem* creepy as hell just for sitting there without playing with a cellphone.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Dano.Bowman Dano Bowman

    Best thing I’ve read on here all week.
    Great writing man, keep it up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/summer.gillen Summer Gillen

    I love going places alone. People are usually too wrapped up in thinking they are going to seem like a loser/ creep/ jerk/ slut to pay any mind to thinking I am creepy. It’s fun to start conversations or laugh at jokes not directed to you. It’s freeing.

  • MAJA

    hahahahaha :DDDD This was extremely witty! And actually useful! :D

  • http://wordstokeep.tumblr.com E.B.

    Ahahaha “Holy sh-t, remember when we used to have face-to-face communication with each other? You know, when you were able to read things like expressions and social cues? Well, we don’t do that anymore. What is this, 2007? ” Perfect.

  • Kazz

    curious as to why you thought adding “being part caucasian myself” was necessary to justify why you’ve never written a rap song, and why you thought writing one would only entail rhymes about women and alcohol…that could just as easily be a country/electro/jazz song too. maybe mind your generalizations going forward?

  • Melissa

    Hahaha loved the UC Santa Cruz reference. Yay Slugs!

  • http://chrisbackley.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/things-you-can-do-while-sitting-alone-at-the-bar/ Things You Can Do While Sitting Alone At The Bar | Chris Backley

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