5 Unforgivable Fashion Mistakes That Men Make

I first realized I was too old to be shopping at an Abercrombie when I walked in those two giant doors and audibly said to myself, “Why is it so loud in here?” Over-sized rugby polos, frayed cargo shorts — it’s horrible. If you wear a suit, uniform, or business casual to work it, seems ridiculous for your weekend attire to make you look you’re an extra for a Color Me Badd video. Imagine your boss running in to you at Target on a Sunday afternoon and you looking like Nelly, complete with unnecessary facial Band-Aids. Like it or not, he’s not going to take you as seriously when you’re giving that presentation Monday morning. Your clothes play a big part of how other humans perceive you, so here are a couple things to avoid for your closet.

Jerseys

Jerseys make you look like a man child. I suppose you could get a pass if you are at the actual game, but there’s a reason Justin Timberlake and Denzel Washington are never wearing Lakers jerseys when they’re on the sidelines. It’s because their publicist/stylist knows what you don’t know, that you look like an immature kid that wishes he was on the team. Let’s face it, most of us also don’t have the physique to pull off anything sleeveless either. And nothing is more thoroughly awful than you getting a personalized jersey. Just… no. There are other ways to support your home team while looking like a grown up.

All Black Outfits

I get it. You are kind of dark, super emotional, and listen to music that is primarily sobbing and/or screaming. Unless you work at a tattoo parlor, a record shop (which no longer exist), or you’re a rock star, you probably can’t pull this off. 13-year-olds who hate their parents can’t pull it off, how could you? You might not realize that you are “trying to be different,” but you’re being judged by everyone from your bank teller to the small children you pass on the street. You’re trying too hard, and everyone can see. The type of woman you’re going to attract probably dresses just like you, but this means you’re limiting your dating pool to frequenters of Morrissey concerts.

Overly-groomed hair

You met a girl at a bar and are passionately making out in the back booth. You rub your hands all over her body. She does the same to to you until– wait, what’s this, why are you growing a cactus on your head? You aren’t Pauly D or a character from Dragon Ball Z, and yet your hair has the texture of a helmet instead of actual follicles. This is only compounded by your goatee or, God forbid, chinstraps — so try to not look like Adrien Brody from the Gilette commercials. Your facial hair options are beard, mustache, or none. And if you are considering growing a soul patch, I think I heard Kate Upton’s ovaries shrivel up.

Sneakers

This may just be my thing, but I think an adult male should only wear sneakers if he is going to/coming from the gym. I realize there are cool vintage looking sneakers like Chucks, Asics, and the like, but for the most part men can’t properly pull them off withouth looking like he desperately wants to look younger. It’s like the gender opposite of a 60-year-old woman in a mini skirt. Most men just end up looking like Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network, which even Jessie himself couldn’t pull off. And also, women hate guys in sandals. I know, it took me a while to eschew my California roots and give these up but let’s face it, feet are gross and yours probably look like those of a velociraptor.

Jewelry

This seems to be primarily a northeast thing but guys, don’t wear jewelry. The only thing a real man should wear is a watch and perhaps a wedding band, that’s it. Don’t wear a chain or bracelet unless you want to look like a Jersey gigolo. You can’t pull them off even if you’re Italian — especially if you’re Italian. And you’re not in a rap video, so please put away your over-sized clocks and spinning medallions because those things are ridiculous. Contrary to popular hip-hop belief, classy women don’t like men that flaunt how rich they are by wearing 90 percent of their net worth on their chest.

We’re all dominated by our sense of vision and that’s why people judge you by your appearance before you even speak a word. You judge a woman in a tube top or a Juicy velour sweatsuit just like women will judge you for all five of the above — and rightfully so. So if you want to look like — and be treated like — an adult male, you should probably stop it with your daily fashion tribute to Vanilla Ice.

Look good, feel good. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

More From Thought Catalog

Chris is a published photographer, writer, and LA County Paramedic. While anything can be his muse he primarily ... Read more articles from Chris on Thought Catalog.
  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1690980049 Uchenna Anyiam

    This is really, really stupid.

  • Andrew Rowland

    Cue the hateful comments.

    Pretty good advice if you ask me.

  • Sam

    Thank christ …. let’s take this campaign to the streets, we’ll photocopy flyers and throw them to the wind with wild abandon to rain down on the perpetrators of every sartorial abomination on this list. 

  • Elisa

    Coming from a woman, I really don’t agree with the sneakers part. Vans and chucks are nice! white tennis shoes at work… not so much

    • Tnpb7d

      Agree. I don’t like regular exercise sneakers (Nike, Addias, etc) on my guy unless at the gym, but casual sneakers are just fine! There aren’t that many shoe options for guys when wearing shorts/jeans and I’d much rather he wear them than those stupid boat shoes. 

      • Ginn Ha

        I love men in boat shoes. It looks timelessly great.

  • Mike

    Haha, im sorry the author feels this way about the male apperance…you should be more cinfortable with yourself than this! Any Real adult male know he can wear whatever he wants because he has self confidence. But im surs this article could apply to teen boys with no sense of self worth and need help from thier mothers to get dressed.

  • http://twitter.com/godwearsfendi Opik

    I love sneakers…

  • http://robvincent.net Rob T Firefly

    This seems to have been written by the type of person whose loud offense at my personal choices always cheers me up.

  • Tim

    Any article with the phrase ‘real men’ used unironically is inherently flawed.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1690980049 Uchenna Anyiam

      Truth 

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeremy.elder Jeremy Elder

    This article is awful.

  • Maryjane

    “Real men should wear…” Anndd I stopped reading. Please, can you define for us what a “real man” is? 

  • Awful

    Sometimes I think Thought Catalog tests us with articles like these, just to see if we’re actually paying attention. 

  • Michael

    TC becomes VICE’s shit web-articles. 

  • Rlperea

    I’m with you on the jerseys. The rest is all too subjective. 
    Also, pretty strong words from someone who is wearing a scarf, I assume, unironically in his bio pic. 

  • Tina

    The grammar in this article is pretty awful…

  • jack

    i would like to know what the hell you wear because you just shitted on my whole closet

  • guest

    jeans and flip flops…vom.com

  • Nina

    Definitely agree that jewelry, black outfits and over-groomed hair are totally in poor taste. And if it’s not game day, leave the Jersey in the drawer. But, sneakers can be worn stylishly and catered to any age group. so can flip flops.

  • Vernonrubiano

    I almost want to see what the author wears. He must be a real man.

  • Txgulfguy

    hmm,, this must be a regional thing,, Jersey’s I get, all black — I kinda get — black boots/jeans/button shirt/black blazer is ok here in TX — sneaks r a standard, and sandals/flips w/ jeans/shorts is another standard — groomed hair — goatee works — sole patch is a bit last year — tasteful silver bracelet or even leather cuffs as well —  Texas is another country w/ it’s own style I guess,,, 

  • jm

    good advice.

  • Robertbenesh

    You’re wearing a kiffeyah in your profile photo. STFU

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      I’m fucking dying laughing

    • Nika

      keffiyehs always make me wary.  Depending on your reason for wearing it, I either love you (woo, let’s have a rousing talk about Israel-Palestine) or I hate you (it is not a fashion accessory for white people).

  • Aj

    Umm, I’m sorry what the hell is a real man? Last time I checked south I was still in the club and I definitely wear bracelets and necklaces. This just makes me want to go to the David Yurman counter…

  • Pfoj

    What about soccer jerseys? Things look just like shirts, but let everyone know how cool and European I am.

  • Gregory Lofthouse

    This article is awful and you, writer, are grossly uninformed. Wearing all black is entirely socially acceptable; had to taken the time to glance at one quote unquote red carpet event where people are fashionably inclined you would know this. Furthermore, the ability to pull it off is a mark of adulthood; this is why it does not work with 13 year old kids who only really exist in 90’s movies anyway. Regarding sneakers: have you worn NIKE frees? This revolutionary sneaker has redefined what is socially acceptable for the discerning male to wear on his feet. They rule, they look great, and everybody agrees. Jewelry is fine if it is gold or leather, was a gift from a girlfriend, and is worn by one with a bit of chest hair and a decent tan. Hemp of any kind is unacceptable. 

  • Nishant

    If you’d written this article, in similar tone and judgmental style (unironical as most of the other commenters point out), about women and how they should dress, you’d be labeled a horrible sexist trying to send feminism back half a century.

    Just saying.

    • Nishant

      No one puts sneakers in a corner.

blog comments powered by Disqus