Jerseys make you look like a man child. I suppose you could get a pass if you are at the actual game, but there’s a reason Justin Timberlake and Denzel Washington are never wearing Lakers jerseys when they’re on the sidelines. It’s because their publicist/stylist knows what you don’t know, that you look like an immature kid that wishes he was on the team. Let’s face it, most of us also don’t have the physique to pull off anything sleeveless either. And nothing is more thoroughly awful than you getting a personalized jersey. Just… no. There are other ways to support your home team while looking like a grown up.
All Black Outfits
I get it. You are kind of dark, super emotional, and listen to music that is primarily sobbing and/or screaming. Unless you work at a tattoo parlor, a record shop (which no longer exist), or you’re a rock star, you probably can’t pull this off. 13-year-olds who hate their parents can’t pull it off, how could you? You might not realize that you are “trying to be different,” but you’re being judged by everyone from your bank teller to the small children you pass on the street. You’re trying too hard, and everyone can see. The type of woman you’re going to attract probably dresses just like you, but this means you’re limiting your dating pool to frequenters of Morrissey concerts.
You met a girl at a bar and are passionately making out in the back booth. You rub your hands all over her body. She does the same to to you until– wait, what’s this, why are you growing a cactus on your head? You aren’t Pauly D or a character from Dragon Ball Z, and yet your hair has the texture of a helmet instead of actual follicles. This is only compounded by your goatee or, God forbid, chinstraps — so try to not look like Adrien Brody from the Gilette commercials. Your facial hair options are beard, mustache, or none. And if you are considering growing a soul patch, I think I heard Kate Upton’s ovaries shrivel up.
This may just be my thing, but I think an adult male should only wear sneakers if he is going to/coming from the gym. I realize there are cool vintage looking sneakers like Chucks, Asics, and the like, but for the most part men can’t properly pull them off withouth looking like he desperately wants to look younger. It’s like the gender opposite of a 60-year-old woman in a mini skirt. Most men just end up looking like Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network, which even Jessie himself couldn’t pull off. And also, women hate guys in sandals. I know, it took me a while to eschew my California roots and give these up but let’s face it, feet are gross and yours probably look like those of a velociraptor.
This seems to be primarily a northeast thing but guys, don’t wear jewelry. The only thing a real man should wear is a watch and perhaps a wedding band, that’s it. Don’t wear a chain or bracelet unless you want to look like a Jersey gigolo. You can’t pull them off even if you’re Italian — especially if you’re Italian. And you’re not in a rap video, so please put away your over-sized clocks and spinning medallions because those things are ridiculous. Contrary to popular hip-hop belief, classy women don’t like men that flaunt how rich they are by wearing 90 percent of their net worth on their chest.
We’re all dominated by our sense of vision and that’s why people judge you by your appearance before you even speak a word. You judge a woman in a tube top or a Juicy velour sweatsuit just like women will judge you for all five of the above — and rightfully so. So if you want to look like — and be treated like — an adult male, you should probably stop it with your daily fashion tribute to Vanilla Ice.
Look good, feel good.