Thought Catalog

Facebook, I Think We Should Start Seeing Other People

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When we first started dating, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

I couldn’t wait to check my phone to see if you called and when you did I would drop whatever I was doing to pay attention to you. To be honest, I liked you way more than I was comfortably admitting to friends and family. I was in over my head. Now after being together for several years I have to admit our relationship has, well, lost its luster.

I’m not sure how to tactfully say this but, Facebook you’ve kinda been letting yourself go. 

I realize and appreciate your effort to find sexy new ways to entice me (“timelines” and “cover photos”), but I just found all the new bells and whistles confusing. I didn’t realize I could put that in there and switch that around to there and then flip you around and put that there. I miss simplicity.

Lately I’m just finding myself less attracted to you. I mean it’s all Sally “listened to this on Spotify,” Jenny is “pinterested” in this, Mike just read this on “Washington post”, or Stacy just “scored a million points on Temple Run.” All this posting from outside sources has made you kind of bloated and left me yearning for the hackneyed status update days of “I hate Mondays,” “I look gross in this LOL,” or the ubiquitous weekend noun/verb exclamation of “brunch!”.

What am I saying Facebook? I miss us. I miss the old days when we used to lay in bed with each other all Saturday morning. The days when we used to stalk our exes together. The days where we would look to see who in our high school got fat. The days when we would compare photos to see which friend had the ugliest baby. What happened to that passion Facebook? What happened to that love? I realize you are trying but it feels like you might be too late. We hardly call each other anymore. The sex has become monotonous. And when we are together I never feel like you are actually here with me. I miss the old days of us. How it used to be. It’s not you it’s me.

No wait, Facebook, it’s totally you. TC mark

image – Danny Sullivan
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  •!/ZachAmes macgyver51

    I actually have liked fb much more since the mass exodus of hipsters from it.

  • Meera Shah

    i feel like everything that can be written about fb has been written, but it was still entertaining!

  • die


  • Paul S

    Is it just me (and my 500 “friends”), or are people using FB WAY less then they were just a year or two ago?  Perhaps what little novelty it had left has finally worn off. Maybe they know this, which is why they made that insane acquisition of Instagram, trying to hold onto some sort of fading relevance.

    • Grace Elizabeth

      I actually think FB aquired Instagram to keep up with Google +’s recent unfortunate purchase of “Picnik”. They’re both going to start offering the utilities to edit photos before uploading them.

  • Anonymous

    And recently that GooglePlus chick has started looking kinda nifty…

    • Anonymous

      except not.

  • Asdf

    Trying to apply anthropomorphic analogies to social networks is amusing. Especially those run by Facebook and Google. Can you imagine what it’d be like? My dubious attempt:  
    GooFace Person: Hey! 
    You: Hey. 
    GooFace Person: Hey! Yeah, I saw you in the store the other day. You were looking at shoes. 
    You: Yeah… I guess I was? 
    GooFace Person: Yeah, I remember you told me you love Shoe Brand Z. Did you know you can get some awesome matching pants and a whole ensemble at Store X? If you mention me with a super cool code, you’ll even save, like, 10%! 
    You: OK… thanks for the unsolicited advice. 
    GooFace Person: Yeah. I also saw you driving around and noticed you stop by Gas Station A all the time. Gas Station B offers more products, but there are a whole bunch of other Gas Stations in the area. 
    You: Yeah, I know. Thanks. Wait, why were you following me ar–
    GooFace Person: –yup, no problem! Oh, do you remember that photo you showed me awhile ago? 
    You: Um, yeah, the one of me and my friends at the beach? 
    GooFace Person: Yeah! Did you know that Person A also loves to shop at Gas Station A, but Person B totally loathes it. Person C loves Shoe Brand Z and Gas Station A, but hates you. 
    GooFacePerson: There are a few people who go to that beach, too. But it’s not nearly as popular as this other beach about 15 miles away from it. And, actually, all the cool people were totally hanging out there while you and your small group of friends — who pretty much hate you — were chilling on that crappy beach. 
    You: Oh. Wait. What? How do you know these people?
    GooFace Person: I’m friends with everyone! And we totally talk about you behind your back. 

  • hrfe

    One of the main problems I think with Facebook is that Twitter has made the status update pretty much obsolete. No one is writing “brunch!” on fb anymore, they’re tweeting it.

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