4 Foods That Make Me Ashamed To Be An American

We are getting fatter as a society and other countries are making fun of us. 

The launch of Taco Bells’ new Dorito shell spits in the face of health and wallows in the mud of our problems. Maybe its because we feed our cows corn instead of grass, maybe its because we scientifically
energy our food with hormones and pesticides, or maybe it’s because we use filler like “pink slime.” Maybe it’s all three. While all of those reasons and a general lack of exercise play a part, the fact is we are an obese society that is burdening its own tax dollars. These four fast food monstrosities aren’t helping our case any. 

Taco Bell’s Dorito Tacos Locos

You like tacos, right? You like Doritos, right? Let’s just save you the pain and suffering of eating them separately so you can now just cram them all in your face simultaneously. We already boil our taco meat in a bag that is probably 15% meat and 85% wood shavings. How about we take that Dorito chip that has seventeen 10-syllable ingredients and combine it with said taco meat? You may be able to wash the orange powder off your fingers, but not the lingering shame from eating this.

The McGriddle

?Here’s how I imagine the board meeting went at the McDonald’s headquarters. “Eggs? Good. Sausage? Good. Syrup? Good. Now let’s put all that together in a sandwich. People like that sausage biscuit, right? How about we take same sandwich but put tiny balls of syrup in the bun so when you bite in to it syrup ejaculates in your mouth! Sound good? Send the idea up to R & D on 12.” Come on America, we can do better than this at breakfast. Aren’t these ingredients good enough separately?

KFC’s Double Down sandwich

Their defense is that it’s for the carb conscious people, but let’s be honest, there really isn’t an excuse for this abomination. KFC decided that instead of putting lettuce on a sandwich they would put cheese, instead of a tomato it would use bacon, and instead of a bun it would put two fried chicken patties. Holy shit, they must be chest bumping each other over at corporate. Without bread or vegetables there isn’t even the illusion of health in this sandwich. It’s like they just said, “Look, we know you know what we are, and we know what you are, so buy this for $3.50.” Don’t forget to bring your own mason jar full of mayo to wash this sucker down.

Deep-Fried (Insert food that clearly should not be deep-fried here)

?State fair novelty or a representation of American gluttony? I have tried the deep fried Oreo (tastes like an Oreo with batter), the deep fried Snickers (way too sweet), and the deep fried Twinkie (only OK). But, besides the ferris wheel, what’s really been making the rounds this year at State Fairs? Deep Fried Butter. What. The. F-ck. We’ve gotten to the point where we’re even removing the food part of our food. They’re like f-ck it, let’s take a stick of butter and fry it. Let’s take possibly the most unhealthy thing in your refrigerator and then deep fry it and put whip cream and cinnamon on top. When you bite in to it you can feel your dignity just dripping down the sides of your mouth. Need a napkin with that or just the gastric bypass? 

So yes, it may be time to stop making recipes from the recently blessed diabetic Paula Deen. Or at least practice moderation. Tons and tons of moderation. TC mark

image – Cofi Nuguid


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  • missy


    • Anonymous

       you don’t win friends with salad!

      • Craigory

        I hate to correct you, but it’s “you don’t make friends with salad!” if you’re quoting Homer J. 

        You don’t make friends with being a Simpsons nerd.

      • Anonymous

         i can’t post video evidence without moderator approval, but it’s “win friends” — google it.

        FTW. pun intended.

      • Anonymous

        that is, even if you google “you don’t make friends with salad”  it redirects to “you don’t win friends with salad”

      • Craigory

        I am so sorry- and so wrong!

      • Guest

        “Ron, would you like some salad?”
        “Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not.”

        -Pars and Rec

      • Craig

        Oh my god, I am so wrong- and so sorry.  Wow, what a dick I am!

        I blame grad school insanity. Sorry

      • Anonymous

        i’ve officially joined the ranks of terrible internet cmmenterz
        i’m done now

      • Craigory

        Aren’t we all terrible? Who’s to judge who’s the terrible-ist?

  • http://twitter.com/thenotoriousmnm Melissa Messer

    The Doritos Taco answered so many of my prayers.

    Ain’t no shame in my game.

    • Anonymous

      Doritos taco is incredibly delicious.  I agree with Chris on the rest, but he is very wrong on the Doritos taco.  If you are going to bash Taco Bell, do it as a whole, don’t pick their best product!

  • Lindsay

    This article sure is a lot of butthurt.

  • Nastenka

    deep fried butter? what?!?! *faints*

  • womp

    isn’t it up in ireland and scotland where deep fried snickers bars and whatever are a delicacy? that shit is loved all ’round the world.

  • cheeseplatter

    Well I personally love my daily syrup ejaculations.

  • haha

    Oh man, all the fatties be commenting

  • ridsies

    I think you’re missing the hamburger crusted pizza from Pizza-Hut. Shit is gross. 

  • http://twitter.com/shineesherlock Josh (조쉬)

    Confused by the title of this article.  Shouldn’t it be “proud”? 

  • Bananas

    The only thing you should be ashamed of is that you’re writing about things most people would not consider food, and your article (list) is incredibly boring.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jesperdahl Jesper Dahl

    So… What do you recommend as a post-breakup snack if not two weeks of double-down sandwiches? I’m confused… or fat…

  • Anonymous

    4 foods that make me disappointed that I’m European.

    • Anda

      Where are you from in Europe? I’m from England and we have none of these monstrosities. Thank God. I was actually mildly repulsed reading about this foods and dread to think how much of you RDA they take up. I think the comments left give a very good indication of Americas general attitude to health and why they have such a bad obesity problem that is still rapidly growing. though it has to be said we have the same problem this side of the pond, even though a doughnut isn’t cheaper than a bottle of water here…

      • Tomrobbins

        Agreed. We have more than enough awful food of our own over here, without needing tips from the country that declared pizza a vegetable.

      • Anonymous

        Uh…I meant disappointed that we don’t have them in Europe, no that we do.

  • Anne

    America is hardly the only country with disgusting monstrosities for food.  Japan’s McDonalds has a burger with 5 patties, 3 eggs and 6 pieces of bacon.

  • vA

    Whiny douchebag-elitists like you make me ashamed to be an American. The McGriddle is delicious and cheap. What’s wrong with that? 

    • Guest

      The McGriddle is delicious and cheap, but the ethics of its manufacturing are questionable. Do you want to eat the eggs of a chicken that has never seen daylight and the beef of a cow that has less than 20 sq feet to live in? 

      • vA

        Fuckin’ yes I do. I’ll worry about animal rights when I no longer have to worry about the rights and living conditions of other human beings. How about we fix that first, Cœur de Lion? 

      • Guest

        Because 1) Hey, we’re pretty smart as a species and definitely powerful; we can do two things at once! What a concept. 2) Fixing these conditions CAN help human rights. It could create jobs, increase awareness, and create better health and living for our country as a whole, not to mention the rest of the world. The food we eat is, for the most part, disgusting. Not in taste necessarily, or even in health all the time, but almost always in production. So no, I wouldn’t want to eat the eggs of a chicken that has never seen daylight.  

      • vA

        1) Exactly! We can do two things at once! And we have about 1,000,000 things on our to-do list if we’re going to help the impoverished/war-ravaged/starving/enslaved/otherwise disadvantaged people of the world! 
        2) I may legitimately be in the dark here, but how exactly does that create jobs vs. any other form of farming? I just don’t see the potential for a massive positive difference in job creation. And what are we increasing the awareness of? (Maybe it’s just +5 Awareness, +5 Dual-wield worldwide? Enchanted Scimitars, here I come!) Will it lead to better health and living? Probably. There’s a smaller chance of foodborne illness. I can get on board with that. It’s naïve to think it’s way up on the priority list though. When it comes down to it, it’s all about the allocation of time and resources. Animal rights are a first-world concern. Certain issues need to be addressed ASAP (Human rights and living conditions, environmental and climate concerns, etc.), other issues can be put on the back burner. Animal rights is a back-burner issue. Given the choice to allot resources to animals or humans, I’ll give humans 100% of the attention, every time, until the issue is resolved. It’s as simple as that. Side note: People always point out the suffering animals go through in the production of the meat/eggs we consume. Everybody forgets the migrant workers, laboring for next-to-fucking-nothing to grow your vegetables! How about we try to improve their quality of living? Food for thought (Pun very intended).Fun little tidbit: A great way to help the world would be for everyone to give up their pets! A dog annually produces more greenhouse gases than a car. Pets (especially strays) devastate wildlife and spread disease/pollution. True story. When the animal rights movement gives up its pets, I’ll give up my McGriddle.

        Mmmmmm….. syrup nuggets!

      • actually

        i believe most people interested in animal rights, and who have spent a good amount of time thinking about why, would agree that humans keeping pets is ultimately a bad thing. the greenhouse gas reason you mention makes it seem silly, but think ethically. when we keep an animal as a “pet” we remove it from its natural environment, and then proceed to control every facet of its life until it dies. often we are the ones who decide when it will die. before that we decide what it will eat, how much it will eat, where it can poop, whether or not it gets to keep its testicles — the basest things. we take the animal and we make it a thing that is ours, to act in a way we deem appropriate. we make him/her a piece of property. it is wildly irresponsible to take any animal that can survive on its own in the wild, and to make it a “pet” (meaning rabbits reptiles etc). we are responsible for caring for already-born domesticated pets, such as dogs and cats, for if we don’t, in this society, they will suffer badly on the streets. dogs and cats (and cows, and chickens, and several kinds of goats, etc) are the fault of our ancestors — we have over a long long length of time changed these species to better suit human companionship, and now they cannot function effectively in the wild. but if there were no pets at all, that would be a better thing than to forever continue breeding dogs and cats.

        my apologies to the author of the above article, as this was highly digressional, but i felt spurred to say

      • vA

        Thanks, I guess? I’m not sure what your point is. If you see the fundamental hypocrisy of being a pet owner and an animal rights activist, we’re on the same page.
        Side note: I think you completely underestimate the importance of pets’ contributions to greenhouse gases. It’s not “silly”, it’s a legitimate concern. And climate change no es bueno.

      • brenna

        Obesity and diabetes is an enormous problem in this country, and is affecting healthcare, which is also a huge problem in this country. The foods people eat are significant to these problems. Even if you dont care about animals, something like half of all children in the U.S. born after 2000 will develop childhood diabetes. That could be positively affected by awareness that foods like the above can actually, yes, lead to death (diabetes can actually kill you.) So I guess you can go help the rest of the world, but there is a real epidemic in this country, whether its a #firstworldproblem or not.

      • vA

        Trivia: Cantaloupes killed 30 people in 2011. 2nd most deadly foodborne illness outbreak in recorded US history (And 1 of 2 cantaloupe-related outbreaks that year). Nobody will ever tell you to think twice about eating cantaloupe. You know what other foods can kill you? Basically all of them! White flour is pretty much terrible for you. Evolutionarily speaking, humans don’t naturally process wheat. Why not jump on Wonder Bread? A huge portion of Americans don’t understand nutrition or they’re using outdated info from the 70’s and 80’s. Education is the answer, not finger-pointing and yelling “THIS FOOD IS BAD!” That only punishes the restaurants that are GIVING CONSUMERS WHAT THEY WANT. What we’re doing these days is like asking someone to punch you in the face, then complaining when you get a black eye. We ask for what we get. The solution is to change consumer demand. Educate. Side note: The statistic is 1/3 children born after 2000 will develop type II diabetes at some point in their life, if memory serves me correctly. A frightening statistic.

    • Scott

      seriously. if hashtags meant anything on this site, i would deem this a severe case of #firstworldguilt

      • vA

        Animal rights is the ultimate first-world issue. It’s the Sex and the City of activism. 

      • bee

        It is?  Wow.. And here I thought that Buddhism began far before cable TV.  I knew I shoulda paid more attention in history.

      • vA

        The joke here was that the both make disconnected Americans feel good for hoping on the bandwagon… I don’t think anyone would make the case Sex and the City invented Animal rights…. Guess you should have paid more attention in Reading. 

      • vA

        they** hopping**. I should have paid more attention in Typing class.

  • Bre

    reading this article makes me hungry. I sooo want a Dorito taco right now. Now even ashamed to admit it. Go ahead, judge me.



  • Anonymous

    “You may be able to wash the orange powder off your fingers, but not the lingering shame from eating this.”  Wash? I’mma lick every last ounce of dorito dust off of my fingers and LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

  • Hannah Levin

    these foods make me hate america

  • Stanley

    you forgot the KFC Famous Bowl.

    this list is inevitably pointless though, people dont care if what they isnt technically even food and could potentially kill them, as long as its DELICIOUSSSSS!

    i say live and let live. what they eat dont make me shit.

    • vA

      Living will kill you. Try it sometime.

  • Sophia

    I agree with this article. What ever happened to the days when food actually resembled things from the earth? 

    • Kirk Longuski

      If you still think natural is beautiful or healthy, you haven’t seen enough of it

    • Scott

      Agreed, but I fed up with the “unpronounceable = unhealthy” Michael Pollan bullishit. Just because you can’t pronounce it doesn’t mean it’s poison; it just means you didn’t happen to study chemistry in school.

      • brenna

        But why should I have to study chemistry to know what im eating?!

  • Heather

    Did anybody else have the “food stylist” baking some cream cheese concoction as the ad for this article. Crackin’ me up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/discobiscuits93 Kayla Ann Stockman

    I work at McDonald’s, and I do agree that the McGriddle is absolutely digusting. The actual Griddles, while bad for you, taste delicious on their own, but the sandwiches are horrible. Some months ago there was talk of phasing them out but I don’t know what happened to that. A lot of the food at McDonald’s isn’t as bad for you as it used to be, but McGriddles will always be horrible healthwise.

  • Anonymous

     Don’t even go there, Paula Deen is my hero. 

  • Madicaruso

    “scientifically energy” ? engineer? 

    • Guest

      yeah, I was wondering too…

  • http://twitter.com/CourtneyCrowley Courtney Crowley

    I can only assume from your cavalier attitude that you have yet to partake in the wonderment that is the McGriddle. Let me enlighten you: what happens is, the one true god grows McGriddles in the  Elitian fields using a mystical incantation. He then proceeds to magic them down to your local eatery where whatever societal reject McDonald’s has rescued off the dole that week gently wraps them in cellophane, and passes them along to you, the fortunate consumer. You proceed to ingest this finery in the vain hope that your obviously overmatched tastebuds can comprehend the delectable intricacies that face them. Is that egg? Why yes, yes it is. And bacon too. But wait, did they? They did. They did indeed–they added cheese. And then, my friend, they wrapped it in a sensuous pancake bun. As your tastebuds try to process this amazing piece of information, it hits them–the syrup nugget. The mother. fucking. syrup nugget. It announces itself with a burst of confectionary grandiosity–the likes of which your palate has never seen!

    • vA

      Good God. Marry me.

    • Damon Goldsmith


    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      I can see why you’re in marketing.  You could sell me anything.  Cigarettes, tampons, the latest Rob Schneider movie.  You have me sold, Courtney.

    • Alexa

      taken from Tucker Max’s I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell? I don’t believe anyone else would actually come up with the term “mother fucking syrup nugget” and once you’ve read it it’s hard to forget where it actually came from. kudos for putting the quote to good use though and for that I applaud you, still an A+ comment

    • Indignation

      this does not deserve to be on the “top 10 comments” article, as it is plagiarized. from tucker max’s book, of all things. shameful.

      even more shameful that i’ve read it, and recognized the quote. but at least i’m no plagiarist.

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