I have always been so cautious, especially with those I would give my heart to. I was always dwelling in a pool of ‘What ifs’:
What if he hurts me? What if he leaves tomorrow? What if he just wants something from me?
Before relationships even started to blossom into something beautiful, I sabotaged it right away with my pessimistic thoughts. I guess that’s how it is when you have anxiety; thoughts just keep on filling your mind; non-stop, never-ending.
But it’s okay; who would ever love a sad girl anyway? I’m just sparing them from the impending toxicity that they would feel when they get close to me – the late night cries, the neediness, and the continuous anxiety attacks whenever they make me remember the hurt I felt in the past.
I’m used to being on my own now, of being lonely. Loneliness has already been a part of me.
Then suddenly I found myself craving attention – I have no idea if it’s just my imagination but I wanted to be cradled in the arms of another, cuddled with utmost care – I kept craving something I never thought I would;
I craved you, your presence and your entirety.
I have no idea how it happened, but I knew it – I want you.
I saw the things others didn’t see in you – your beautiful scars, your perfect flaws, and your edges and curves that made you who you are today. They might have deemed it as your downfall, but for me, it was the things that made you striking and salient.
They say, in the Law of Reflection, you attract things and people that mirror who you are – but we are not alike in any way – you’re an angel in disguise and I am a damsel in distress.
You weren’t aware of this but you are enthusiastic, the darling of the crowd, the one all wants to be – and I was everything you’re not, surely, there can never be you and me.
I fell in love with how you viewed the world – realistic – altruistic, that’s how you are. You told me things about me that I didn’t know; you told me that I resemble a star, an angel, something of worth with compassion in her heart.
And for me, you’re perfect.
Not because I like you, but because I know you now – you have such a good heart, love overflows from it – you’re so fragile; you deserve so much love and I can give it to you – and I will, in all ways that I can.
But perhaps I don’t actually like you.
They say when you love someone, you take risks, you trust. No matter what the outcome will be, you jump in wholeheartedly because love tells you to do so.
So maybe, I already love you.
I knew it when I opened my heart and wanted to do the things I stopped doing – trusting, taking free fall, and investing feelings solely to one person.
You made me trust again, fall madly in love, and take risks once more.
I don’t mind if you don’t reciprocate my feelings for you, as long as you receive all the love you deserve – from me. I can show it by giving you my attention, caring for you like a best friend, and praying for your heart’s desires to God.
Because when you truly love someone, you don’t ask for returns – you just do it because you know it can make you happy and at the same time, you make them happy by pouring all your love for them willingly.